Kids

By mee - 02/01/2016 08:25 - United States - Opelousas

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year-old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 407

You deserved it 3 824

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 22:33 - United States - Washington Crossing

Today, I was standing in line at the checkout, and my children were arguing with each other. The guy in front of me sighed loudly and told me over his shoulder: "There're these things called condoms, you know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 807

You deserved it 7 451

By DesperateToBeDad - 31/12/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Gravenhurst

Today, after trying unsuccessfully for three or so years to have a baby with my wife, my broodiness has gotten so bad that when I saw a couple with their daughter at the bus stop, I briefly had a daydream where I shot them in the head and took their daughter home to raise as my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 025

You deserved it 4 966

DesperateToBeDad tells us more.

DesperateToBeDad 7

Sunday 3 January 2016 2:00

OP here. Wow, wasn't expecting so many comments! I feel I should probably clarify a few things here: First of all, I have a very vivid imagination and tend to have involuntary daydreams where various scenarios to a situation play out. This was one such case, and doesn't mean I'm violent or am actually contemplating shooting people or anything like that, my mind just rollercoasters through various things happening and I'm just sort of along for the ride. I found this one amusing enough to post on FML. My wife and I are currently looking into fertility tests to find out exactly what the problem is, and will of course consider adoption/fostering if it turns out that natural conception isn't on the cards. Don't worry, I'm not going to abduct anyone's kids or go on a murder spree. :P

Phoebe??

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 00:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting a young girl, I put on the movie Bambi, as she told me it was her favorite movie. I didn't know that her parents always skipped the scene where Bambi's mom dies. Despite my attempts to comfort her, she was still upset when her parents returned. Her mom blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 390

You deserved it 1 706

By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 17:29 - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 378

You deserved it 2 203

By oldskoolfun - 26/12/2015 23:04 - United States - Warminster

Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 420

You deserved it 10 689

Fire hasard

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 18:23 - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 637

You deserved it 3 068

Signposting

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 05:40 - United States - Latonia

Today, I walked in on my 13-year-old sister cutting her pubic hair with scissors. After a long talk about what on earth she was doing, she confessed to doing it so her boyfriend could find her clitoris. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 668

You deserved it 2 495

By mommiedearest - 24/12/2015 16:06 - United States - Columbia

Today, I found a disturbing video on my 8-year-old's tablet. In the video, I was suffering from sleep paralysis. He's convinced I'm part demon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 831

You deserved it 1 837

By donguigeek - 24/12/2015 04:32 - France

Today, my 4-year-old son is distraught. This morning we saw a man, dressed as Santa, passed out drunk on a public bench. My son is now convinced that it was his corpse, and that Santa Claus is dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 431

You deserved it 1 966

By BadLuck - 21/12/2015 11:45 - United Kingdom - Bicester

Today, four days before Christmas, I discovered a rash on my daughter's shoulder. The doctor took one look and said, "It's chicken pox. Merry Christmas." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 956

You deserved it 2 051

By Anonymous - 20/12/2015 08:25

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 927

You deserved it 1 669

By 117halo12345 - 17/12/2015 21:37 - United States - Sedgewickville

Today, I was showing my 4 year old some of my fire magic tricks. I ended up getting 2nd degree burns on my left hand and burnt off half of her hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 282

You deserved it 21 739

By who wants spaghetti - 17/12/2015 03:42 - United States - Oconomowoc

Today, during a family dinner, I witnessed my younger brother casually slip his hand down the back of his pants, take it out, sniff each finger individually, before stirring his hand in his spaghetti and continue to eat normally. I was the only one who saw this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 886

You deserved it 1 555

Time out

By Starfucks - 17/12/2015 02:55 - United States - Bensalem

Today, I was in Starbucks with my daughter when she noticed a travel cup she liked. She picked one up and asked for it, but I said no because it was expensive. She angrily slammed it back into its stand and in the process, knocked over a display of ceramic mugs. I had to pay for each broken mug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 877

You deserved it 4 543

By anon - 16/12/2015 15:28 - Australia - Salisbury

Today, my daughter asked me if we could adopt a child. I said no, since we can't afford to support another child. She then asked me if she could just adopt another dad instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 137

You deserved it 2 141

By Teacher - 16/12/2015 09:10 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 601

You deserved it 2 049

Confused

By anonymous - 12/12/2015 20:58 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my stepmom sat me down and told me that she doesn't think that my dad is my biological father because she hasn't gotten pregnant from him. I don't think she quite understands the concept of being a stepmom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 367

You deserved it 2 268

By ilovekids? - 12/12/2015 02:05 - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 118

You deserved it 6 009

By anon - 05/12/2015 00:32 - United States

Today, my 6-year-old daughter watched The Lion King for the first time. Now, whenever I ask her to do something, she replies "Hakuna Matata" and doesn't even get up. I think she took "no worries" to mean "don't give a shit about anything". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 142

You deserved it 2 826

Sneaky

By Suckered - 04/12/2015 21:47 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university two years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 718

You deserved it 4 738

By Hi_Five - 03/12/2015 20:48 - United States - Wake Forest

Today, I spoke to a highly recommended therapist for my special-needs child. After 45 minutes of describing our challenges, heartbreaks and other very personal information, she told me that her schedule was permanently full. But she invited me to go through the phone book to find someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 287

You deserved it 1 780

Hi_Five tells us more.

Hi_Five 7

Monday 7 December 2015 5:12

OP here - uh, no. You are making things up out of whole cloth. I would never self-diagnose my kid. We have been through years of trying to get the best help we can find, and that does not include charlatans, vaccine-deniers and the internet. Try again.

By jimmy - 30/11/2015 21:27 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, my 5-year-old son put my car keys in the microwave thinking that they would 'warm up' my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 002

You deserved it 2 485