Sex, Relatable, Farts and Intimacy: Date night

Date night

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, I told my husband that I wanted to take advantage of the alone time we would have while our kids are visiting my parents. My idea? A nice dinner out and kinky sex all night long. His idea? Chinese buffet and subsequent dutch ovens in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 733

You deserved it 4 028

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Livin' la vida loca

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 08:01

Today, I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday, hinting that he could have anything sexual, and he asked me to… take the kids and visit my mother over the weekend, so he could have 48 hours totally alone, naked, drinking beer, and playing his Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 185

You deserved it 953

Date night

By Anonymous - 10/01/2023 02:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I booked a restaurant and nice hotel for date night. We only get a few hours away from our baby, so we may as well squeeze in sexy time! I told my husband and he was more worried about the awkward early check out than excited for the sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 246

Dirty talk

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 06:57 - United States

Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 309

You deserved it 4 750

Can't catch a break

By Anonymous - 22/04/2023 18:30 - India - Bengaluru

Today, my husband went out for a walk. My kids were tucked in bed and all the chores were done, so I finally had time to myself in a long time. I just wanted to watch porn and masturbate, but then my husband returned early to kiss me good night, and my son snuggled into my bed as he had a nightmare. Me time? Lol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 044

You deserved it 372

Romantic evening

By Neglected - 11/12/2013 19:06 - United States - Wimberley

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 208

You deserved it 6 262

Teaser

By Frustrating - 21/07/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, my wife spent the entire evening grabbing my crotch, whispering dirty things to me, and telling me how horny she was, right up until the kids went to bed. Then, it was, "Baby, I just want cuddles, I don't feel like sex" and pouting. This happens at least three times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616

You deserved it 130

Needs and desires

By Yeah, no. - 28/11/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I found out my husband is a cuck. After explaining that I'm not exactly satisfied in the bedroom, we were thinking of ideas to spice things up. I suggested buying a few toys he could use on me. He immediately got mad, because he wanted me to find other men to screw instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 291

You deserved it 88

Let down

By Anonymous - 27/08/2020 05:01

Today, after having spent two weeks planning my husband's surprise birthday party with his friends and family, we get in the car on the way to "dinner" and he says, "I really hope it's just the two of us tonight." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 505

You deserved it 349

Bursting at the seams

By Anonymous - 22/10/2023 07:30

Today, after I returned from business dinner at a hibachi restaurant, my wife decided she wanted sex for the first time in years on a weekday. We did it and I pooped a little on “our” stupid white comforter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 434

You deserved it 352

By Inkabadger - 20/11/2009 18:41 - Canada

Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 112

You deserved it 4 093

KingDingALing 9

Tuesday 23 November 2010 1:38

Take the hint, OP. What guy would give up the chance to have kinky sex with his wife all night long? I'll tell you what kind of guy would do that, a gay guy. Give him a ***** for Christmas.

WhatTheFuq 0

Tuesday 23 November 2010 1:28

u can still have sex. just not with him.

Comments

star351225 0

Tuesday 23 November 2010 4:47

i also want to know what the kinky sex and Duchi oven are

sapphireflames11 0

Tuesday 23 November 2010 4:53

ooorah!

Sh0wT1M3 0

Tuesday 23 November 2010 5:01

make sure u have lots of air freshener

Doortje 29

Tuesday 23 November 2010 5:24

I'm not liking the term Dutch oven :(

rebwonders 0

Tuesday 23 November 2010 5:36

don't worry, term comes from a cast iron pot with a lid most people encounter when camping out. Then when camping it was a good trick to fart in someones sleeping bag and then hold it cloves over their head. Now it's a trick you pull on your sex partner. You cut one under the covers and hold their head under. it has nothing derogatory to do with beautiful Holland. Let's smoke some pot together at a coffee shop next time I'm in Amsterdam! ;-)