Intimacy: Directions

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 658

You deserved it 14 019

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Same thing different taste

By mrricecakes - 23/03/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 411

You deserved it 5 234

By Anonymous - 02/11/2012 19:46 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 751

You deserved it 8 431

By shitfaced - 18/09/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 675

You deserved it 9 516

Take a chill pill

By failed - 23/02/2011 10:06 - Switzerland

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 100

You deserved it 46 303

By sucks at sucking - 15/12/2012 00:27 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 886

You deserved it 9 239

By Anonymous - 17/01/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 106

You deserved it 7 023

By illequipt - 16/03/2009 03:20 - Canada

Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 204 569

You deserved it 32 066

Like a virgin

By chchboy - 22/05/2012 05:05 - United States

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 154

You deserved it 7 122

By nicknack22 - 01/02/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 736

You deserved it 5 944

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 578

You deserved it 12 446

KeinBaum 12

Monday 3 November 2014 0:08

At least she's giving feedback and seems to have quite some humor.

TTowntitan13 8

Monday 3 November 2014 0:09

Actually it's a taco...so I think you were pretty close to doing it right!

Comments

mister_icicle 17

Monday 3 November 2014 14:28

For ****'s sake, Jeff! :-D

Nerdgurl86 18

Monday 3 November 2014 15:03

She should feel lucky that at least you're willing to go down on her. My bf hasn't done that to me for many years now :-(.

deejoy 22

Wednesday 5 November 2014 7:53

Time for a new bf!

pred8885 14

Thursday 20 November 2014 7:40

Poor girl that should be a crime

nandybear 19

Monday 3 November 2014 15:05

Somehow I don't think you'd eat a burrito like that

MrsKilown 20

Monday 3 November 2014 15:32

Haha! I feel the same way most of the time! Some people just don't know how to be gentle!

jdcg116 10

Monday 3 November 2014 16:26

Damn all this talk about burritos and tacos is making me hungry. Thanks guys. :)

cjwayy 22

Monday 3 November 2014 16:49

Damnit, Jeff.

NessieIsNotACat 8

Monday 3 November 2014 18:02

you know what this reminds me of? "I JUST WANNA **** THIS BURRITO" any All Time Low fans out there?

sophienzstein 12

Monday 3 November 2014 19:27

This will forever be my favorite quote.

bgon1350 4

Tuesday 4 November 2014 2:26

actually it's a type of fish taco.

17eagle 1

Tuesday 4 November 2014 2:59

I applaud you

Keywords

Miscellaneous Family DIY Cats Intimacy Sex Am I overreacting? Friends Awkward Management Work Poopoo peepee Relatable Coworkers Frustration Capitalism Animals ADHD Dogs Transportation Love Dating Health Anxiety Technology Mental health Sleep Roommate Clumsy Noise

The Top

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 486

You deserved it 38 932

Today, I pulled my Christmas tree out of my mother-in-law's garage, only to find out rats had ruined all the lights. The tree cost $2600. FML

I agree, your life sucks 184

You deserved it 489

The Top

Today, I found out the boyfriend of 2 years is actually 22 years-old instead of the 28 that he told me. I'm turning 39 this year and I'm very pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 884

You deserved it 486

Today, I participated in the "Color Run," an event where you walk across town while people douse you with colored powder. They have yet to implement a rule saying you can't hit people in the face. My ears are pink and blue, my hair's orange, my lips and beard are purple, and I can see better WITHOUT my glasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 810

Today, as a priest, I was invited to the home of a lady who claimed that the face of Jesus had appeared to her. She took me upstairs to her bathroom and... it was poo. She genuinely thought she could see Jesus in the poo sitting in her toilet bowl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 290

You deserved it 357

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 501

You deserved it 431

Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 158

Today, 30 seconds after waking up and shuffling into the bathroom, the mother of all spiders lost its fight with gravity and fell into my lap while I was peeing. I went from 0-100 wide awake and screaming at 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 989

You deserved it 301

Directions

Same thing different taste

Take a chill pill

Like a virgin

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