Intimacy: Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your... - FML

By mistletoe - 09/12/2013 02:21 - United States - Miami

Spicy

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 951

You deserved it 5 198

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Same thing different taste

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Spicy

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

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I agree, your life sucks 28 779

You deserved it 5 132

What did you just say?

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Today, I was serving a family at the restaurant where I work. When I went to ask the little girl what she wanted, I was tongue-tied and got "cutie" and "hun" mixed up and ended up asking, "What can I get for you, cuntie?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 242

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Limited edition prank

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Today, as always, my boyfriend has the ability to pop his eyeballs out of his eye sockets. He thought it'd be funny for me to wake up face-to-face with the disgusting sight. The shit in my bowels did an early Thanksgiving Day parade straight into my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 693

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Miracles

By smyp - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Lithuania

Today, my wife and I decided to celebrate Christmas Eve with her side of the family. When we arrived at her parents' house, I heard her mother say that Christmas miracles don't exist since my wife brought me along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 760

You deserved it 1 688

Effective

By Nublet - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Spicy

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob. It gave him a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 406

You deserved it 5 582

Crossed wires

By hudd357mag - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, the girl I have a crush on texted me to go out tonight. When I got to her house, she peered at me quizzically and asked, "What do you want? Did I text you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 755

You deserved it 2 532

Great, just great

By lax22 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, thirty minutes after the end of a great date with a great girl, she texted me, "Yeah, uh, never come near me again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 169

You deserved it 6 311

You what now?

By starboi - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Weaver

Today, I heard a girl say, "Darth Vader is that black guy from Star Trek, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 904

You deserved it 1 535

Next

Top comments

hnz 13

Monday 9 December 2013 12:53

That's when you say "Yo, can I kick your ass under the mistletoe"

Ambient25 24

Monday 9 December 2013 12:54

Smack the shit out of him. I actually went to a bar before in DC and saw this pretty drunk guy try this on a girl: "Hey baby were your parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special"... I burst out laughing

Comments

mosquito19 14

Monday 9 December 2013 21:20

the sad thing is, it probably works for some other tart.

bushada 18

Monday 9 December 2013 21:26

Wow, and I thought I had no tact.

sabrinalynn22 19

Monday 9 December 2013 21:56

I would smack him with the mistletoe.

FemskyD 26

Monday 9 December 2013 23:02

Kiss my fist instead :s

CaptnNorway 10

Monday 9 December 2013 23:54

If you said yes you would be a Mistleho, and if you said no you would me a mistleno, and he would say MistleDo'h

ercdndrs 9

Tuesday 10 December 2013 0:39

"No, but you can kiss my ass!"

jack_splat 11

Tuesday 10 December 2013 1:09

I left my ******** at your place. When can I come get it?

a4s 8

Tuesday 10 December 2013 2:16

And you said no????

worldclassrager 39

Tuesday 10 December 2013 4:17

That's way to far way too fast....I really hope he always falls short...

leftyb10 12

Tuesday 10 December 2013 4:26

Well, did it work??

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Keywords

Awkward Love My ex AITA Jealousy Friends Poopoo peepee Embarrassing Health Sports Proposal Annoying Snow Cold weather Cheating Work Money Relatable Parenting Kids DIY Accident Parents Medication ADHD Weather Miscellaneous Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird

The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try the ice cubes in the vagina thing we'd read about. He kept sticking one in after another and they got stuck. My vagina had a brain freeze for a half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 3 941

Today, my husband has been out partying all night. While my in-laws didn't ask him a single question, earlier I received more than six calls from them about when I'll be home to cook and clean. Where was I? In the office for the first time after working from home for past 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 059

You deserved it 111

The Top

Today, my pregnancy test came back positive. My boyfriend is no fan of fatherhood, so it was with some hesitation that I called him and let him know I'm pregnant. He replied, "Like hell you are!" and hung up. He now refuses to answer any of my calls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 921

You deserved it 10 865

Today, I was in an elevator with my brother and a woman. He signs to me that she has a 'damn fine ass'. I chuckle and then shake my head. He shrugs. A second later the woman signs to us, 'Rick, don't you remember me?' Turns out she helped teach my brother sign language when he was six. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 013

You deserved it 25 888

Today, I took a team meeting from home. More specifically, my bed. Because I make great decisions, I ended up falling asleep. At some point during my nap, my cat walked over my keyboard, turning on my webcam. I woke up to my video on and no one left in the meeting. Everyone saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 371

You deserved it 5 854

Today, I got a new CD player for my car and an alarm installed for added security. After work, I saw my windows smashed, the CD player gone, the alarm wires cut, and a note that said, "Try again." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 119

You deserved it 2 717

Today, I got bitten by my aunt's dog. My brother was holding the leash. He said he didn't pull the dog away from me because he didn't want to rip my shirt. Meanwhile, the dog was biting a penny-sized chunk out of my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 081

You deserved it 2 795

Today, I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall, and when I went to carefully take it off, a large chunk of the wall came with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 081

You deserved it 8 485