Drunk, Weird and Animals: Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying...

By Anonymous - 10/01/2015 03:41 - United States - Houston

Today, I found my intoxicated step-father in our back yard trying to domesticate a stray opossum, attempting to give it steak and malt liquor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 553

You deserved it 2 461

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Animal control

By possum oh possum - 02/05/2021 05:01 - United States

Today, I had a small get together in my backyard. My idiot sister got blackout drunk and found a stray cat. She was holding it and taking selfies, until her dumbass realized she’d actually picked up a possum. She panicked and dropped it. Now it’s loose somewhere in my house and I can’t find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 261

You deserved it 136

By Cecilly2010 - 28/04/2011 15:53

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 614

You deserved it 5 242

By meeeoow - 22/01/2011 10:05 - Australia

Today, my drunken father decided to walk my quiet street naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 665

You deserved it 2 777

This is fine

By Anonymous - 07/08/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I found out that my father, who very recently lost his wife, decided that drunkenly hitting on my long-time boyfriend's mom was a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 86

Anger management

By FML - 08/12/2013 18:00 - Puerto Rico - Cayey

Today, my dad came home drunk off his ass. So drunk that he couldn't manage to open the refrigerator, and ended up punching it in a fit of rage. When I tried to calm him down and get him to bed, he told me to fuck off, and grounded me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 661

You deserved it 3 397

Asshole

By Anonymous - 21/06/2013 20:38 - Netherlands - Mierlo

Today, my drunk dad decided to wake me up by lobbing our cat directly into my now-mauled face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 144

You deserved it 3 234

By Sadfaic - 23/01/2012 02:59 - United States

Today, my long lost father came to visit me. He got drunk, then tried to beat me up. My neighbor called the police, and as soon as they got there, my father yelled, "Help! This man tried to stab me!" The sad part is, they believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 643

You deserved it 2 151

By Z - 09/04/2011 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad decided to have a little father and daughter bonding time. Unfortunately, his idea of bonding involves him sitting around at home, getting piss drunk, and falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 458

You deserved it 3 035

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 20:02 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, a drunk man started yelling at the lamppost outside my house, demanding to be let inside, all while my neighbors watched. That man is my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 361

You deserved it 2 465

By Deadman - 02/04/2012 13:37 - United States

Today, my dad came home drunk at four in the morning. He walked into my room, screaming at me to wake up so he can kill zombies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 898

You deserved it 2 532

Spencyy 18

Saturday 10 January 2015 16:15

Well did he succeed?

rieebee 23

Saturday 10 January 2015 16:15

Obviously the logical thing to do.

Comments

_kyleG_ 34

Saturday 10 January 2015 16:27

Sounds like the opossum-whisperer strikes again

devildog562 33

Saturday 10 January 2015 16:29

Am I the only one thinking that this is one lucky opossum?

MrConcise 34

Saturday 10 January 2015 16:37

I doubt it's a quality cut, the stepfather seems trashy. The opossum might as well be eating a gas station hotdog.

sweetkickboxer 7

Saturday 10 January 2015 22:51

Right!! I would be happy to accept free steak and liquor lol

groza528 17

Saturday 10 January 2015 16:58

Wtf is a "stray" opossum? Aren't they all "strays"?

Noreason89 6

Saturday 10 January 2015 18:04

Not if someone else's drunk father succeeded in domesticating one

NamesIncognita 15

Friday 25 December 2015 19:09

i want an opossum now :V

Econforthwin 15

Saturday 10 January 2015 16:59

Your step dad sounds like a real man's man. Hey I met an opossum yesterday, gave it a steak and some liquor.

exuberant_orange 17

Saturday 10 January 2015 17:11

Knowing possums, more like F his life. Those creatures are terrifying.

blindkid1790 12

Saturday 10 January 2015 17:26

Sounds like a good host!

patrickalamo 47

Saturday 10 January 2015 17:33

Film that YouTube gold...

x3sarax3 17

Saturday 10 January 2015 18:02

Give him to me.. He sounds awesome!

yomomonastick 9

Saturday 10 January 2015 18:09

he sounds like a cool dude.

istishia 12

Saturday 10 January 2015 19:11

Well that does perfectly encapsulate the "spirit" of Texas doesn't it?

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The Top

Today, yet again I had to lie to a date about what I do for a living, because every time I tell someone the truth, that I work in private equity, they have some choice words about "people like me ruining things" and "ruining the housing prices." I feel like an evil James Bond or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140

You deserved it 492

Today, I took my new boyfriend's virginity about 10 minutes ago. He kept whispering, "It’s inside you, it’s actually inside you… feels kind of sticky, slippery, it’s actually inside you I can’t believe it.” It was super off-putting and a bit creepy. And no, I definitely did not orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 277

The Top

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, the kids in the pool decided to start a new game. The game involved spreading out to different parts of the pool and pretending to be drowning at the same time. Whoever was "saved" first, won. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 921

You deserved it 3 689

Today, I called a jerk of a client who has anger issues. As he started yelling and losing his temper, I began recording the call. The phone exclaimed : "This call is now being recorded." He hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 435

You deserved it 182

Today, I gifted my boyfriend a $150 watch on his graduation day, but he was more excited when he got a $2 mug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 297

You deserved it 783

Today, I'm studying abroad in Russia, and I lost my keys to my dorm room. In the office I asked for a spare and she spoke really fast so I couldn't hear her. Assuming I don't speak Russian, she gets on the phone and calls maintenance saying, "There is this ugly girl about to cry... come fix it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 212

You deserved it 3 680

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 806

You deserved it 3 665

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 764

You deserved it 3 170