Intimacy: Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However,...

By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 977

You deserved it 50 592

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Same thing different taste

Tanned

By caughtorangehanded - 01/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 918

You deserved it 46 336

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 677

You deserved it 33 481

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 23/03/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 424

You deserved it 320

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 589

You deserved it 51 118

Wanking to death

By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 00:17 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 752

You deserved it 12 427

By betterthanhodor - 03/06/2015 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 139

You deserved it 5 953

By Wannabees - 03/04/2012 05:13 - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 437

You deserved it 37 775

Tanned pits

By huulo - 16/11/2010 10:07

Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 486

You deserved it 28 088

Overdoing it a bit

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 16:00

Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 1 179

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 348

You deserved it 7 361

abbytequiere 9

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:26

You deserve this just for calling it your man-mush. Really?

bobbyfmaul 2

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:23

New nick name - "The Thing"

Comments

moop256 10

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:36

Well at least your genitals look like that of an oompa loompa

CABOOSE8563 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:45

Willy Wonka Fetish?

moop256 10

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:47

Well if creepy forty year old men who live with midgets and lures kids with candy is your thing... Your going to jail >:(

HetaliaFreak 10

Wednesday 21 December 2011 4:51

*You're

sgates1997 0

Saturday 24 December 2011 9:08

hopefully not the same size though

deviable 9

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:36

The red hand! Er, orange hand.

deviable 9

Tuesday 20 December 2011 13:03

Awh, no one caught the reference :(

HannahJoButtons 2

Thursday 22 December 2011 5:15

He'll be caught red....no, orange handed!

superpoptart 24

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:38

At least it wasn't the $90 lotion.

lunamoon_fml 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:54

haha nice

nofearjenshere 12

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:39

Snooki would be proud

sk8rchick97 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:23

Now you can be on season 5 of jersey shore....

yourlifesfucked 0

Wednesday 21 December 2011 0:05

Jersey Shore can suck a chode. Can't believe some people actually aspire to be like those morons.

flippityfloop 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:48

Haha, what wording

hnz 13

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:50

Does it smell like vanilla too?

rocker135 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:56

Well thats guna be hard to explain when your streaking

armywife0609 4

Tuesday 20 December 2011 9:14

lol now your a half oompa loopa

meanmachine888 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 9:15

If you were the thing you would be like "Orange Crush"

Thrashmetaldrumm 3

Tuesday 20 December 2011 9:16

Same here.

Keywords

Miscellaneous Family DIY Cats Awkward Management Work Poopoo peepee Am I overreacting? Capitalism Relatable Coworkers Frustration Animals ADHD Dogs Transportation Dating Love Health Anxiety Technology Mental health Sleep Noise Roommate Clumsy Confused AITA Parents

The Top

Today, I got my first acting part. I played the role of a bad boy who has to grab the leading lady's ass, who then slaps me in the face. The ass grab was done in one take. The slap required 14 takes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 932

You deserved it 5 095

Today, I was at a wedding reception with loud music. A guy told me that his sister couldn't be there because she "went home to be with her boy." I said, "That's too bad, she's missing a great party." He paused and repeated, "She went home to be with her LORD." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 268

You deserved it 4 813

The Top

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 614

You deserved it 5 916

Today, I was so lonely, I tried to hold hands with plastic "horror hand" I bought for Halloween. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 597

You deserved it 9 081

Today, I snuck out of my bedroom to go pee very quickly, so I wouldn't wake up my new puppy who doesn't like being away from me. In the 60 seconds it took me to pee, wash my hands and walk back into the room she had pooped, peed, and left potty-paw-prints all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 636

You deserved it 8 111

Today, I finally fixed the flickering light in my office by tapping it with a broom. Turns out, it wasn't actually the light but a family of squirrels having a some sort of disco party in the ceiling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 95

Today, while I was shopping, a girl walked past me and said, "Hola!" I'm Indian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 848

You deserved it 3 237

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 757

You deserved it 5 900