Intimacy: Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However,...

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By Colton - 20/12/2011 02:29 - United States

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 980

You deserved it 50 606

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Same thing different taste

Tanned

By caughtorangehanded - 01/10/2010 22:12 - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 930

You deserved it 46 343

By Metime - 05/11/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 681

You deserved it 33 496

Ouch!

By Anonymous - 23/03/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 437

You deserved it 327

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 00:27 - Canada

Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 593

You deserved it 51 125

Wanking to death

By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 00:17 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 761

You deserved it 12 432

By betterthanhodor - 03/06/2015 15:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 146

You deserved it 5 956

By Wannabees - 03/04/2012 05:13 - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 437

You deserved it 37 779

Tanned pits

By huulo - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 608

You deserved it 28 362

Overdoing it a bit

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 16:00

Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 1 191

Ouch

By Jackmeister - 03/11/2018 03:00

Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 351

You deserved it 7 379

abbytequiere 9

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:26

You deserve this just for calling it your man-mush. Really?

bobbyfmaul 2

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:23

New nick name - "The Thing"

Comments

moop256 10

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:36

Well at least your genitals look like that of an oompa loompa

CABOOSE8563 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:45

Willy Wonka Fetish?

moop256 10

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:47

Well if creepy forty year old men who live with midgets and lures kids with candy is your thing... Your going to jail >:(

HetaliaFreak 10

Wednesday 21 December 2011 4:51

*You're

sgates1997 0

Saturday 24 December 2011 9:08

hopefully not the same size though

deviable 9

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:36

The red hand! Er, orange hand.

deviable 9

Tuesday 20 December 2011 13:03

Awh, no one caught the reference :(

HannahJoButtons 2

Thursday 22 December 2011 5:15

He'll be caught red....no, orange handed!

superpoptart 24

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:38

At least it wasn't the $90 lotion.

lunamoon_fml 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:54

haha nice

nofearjenshere 12

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:39

Snooki would be proud

sk8rchick97 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:23

Now you can be on season 5 of jersey shore....

yourlifesfucked 0

Wednesday 21 December 2011 0:05

Jersey Shore can suck a chode. Can't believe some people actually aspire to be like those morons.

flippityfloop 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:48

Haha, what wording

hnz 13

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:50

Does it smell like vanilla too?

rocker135 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 8:56

Well thats guna be hard to explain when your streaking

armywife0609 4

Tuesday 20 December 2011 9:14

lol now your a half oompa loopa

meanmachine888 0

Tuesday 20 December 2011 9:15

If you were the thing you would be like "Orange Crush"

Thrashmetaldrumm 3

Tuesday 20 December 2011 9:16

Same here.

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