Intimacy: Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night...

By Barrel - 05/02/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 794

You deserved it 9 051

The rhythm of the fight
Discover all the best anecdotes from the month of January, with or without snow, with or without you. More…

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Same thing different taste

Permission granted and rejected

By Anonymous - 28/09/2023 04:00

Today, my wife lost interest in sex a long time ago. I’ve tried to reignite her interest lately, which culminated in an argument where she gave me permission to go out and shag other women. We might as well divorce at this point if she’s going to say things like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 122

Busted

By Anonymous - 31/12/2008 23:41 - France

Today, my girlfriend left a message on my phone. It was just the sounds of her having sex with somebody. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 902

You deserved it 2 850

By an unlucky man - 05/08/2016 09:37 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 015

You deserved it 3 107

By Anonymous - 15/05/2019 01:00

Today, my wife served me with divorce papers that included an accusation that I haven’t given her a decent orgasm since 1996. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 616

You deserved it 770

Last trip

By cap - 09/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Manhattan

Today, I had sex with my wife only to be told that the sex was horrible and to be given divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 252

You deserved it 322

Definitely maybe

By Anonymous - 05/06/2022 00:00

Today, my marriage is more or less over, as my wife is so career-obsessed that when I asked if we could spend some time together, she rolled her eyes and gave me permission to sleep with other women, since sex is all I think about. I didn’t ask for sex, just time together. Definitely over I think. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 875

You deserved it 186

Marriage doesn't solve anything

By Anonymous - 12/03/2021 17:00

Today, my wife told me how she really felt about me, and said she didn't love me anymore. We got married last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 260

You deserved it 140

By TheLoneSoul - 13/09/2015 14:22 - France

Today, I received a call from my wife. It would've been great if she hadn't left on a business trip three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 149

You deserved it 1 617

There must be other reasons

By Anonymous - 12/05/2022 00:01

Today, my wife is leaving me because I don’t satisfy her sexually. Chance would be a fine thing, every time I get romantic, all I get is, "I have a headache", "I think my period's coming", “Is sex all you think about?”, “What if the neighbours hear us?”, and my all time favourite, “Ew, not a chance.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 272

You deserved it 303

Pleased to see you too

By Anonymous - 13/05/2022 10:00 - United States

Today, my wife, who I haven’t seen for over a month because we both travel a lot for work, got home. The last thing she said to me was that she couldn't wait to get home because she just wants some alone time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 232

pezzlo 0

Tuesday 10 February 2009 0:45

Sorry, Rob. Alex

Dr_Phil 0

Thursday 5 February 2009 13:11

No sex in two years ... and you're still married, why?

Comments

My2864 1

Monday 7 June 2010 22:42

lmao you havent effed your wife in 2 years ... relation problems much?

Tarak_fml 7

Monday 14 June 2010 16:15

simple solution. buy a gun. go to her work. follow her afterward. find the guy. cap his ass.

b182link 0

Sunday 20 June 2010 20:48

awww poor rob! :( i'm sorry!

hazelkee 0

Wednesday 23 June 2010 3:26

my mom and dad haven't had sex in ten years but they still sleep together

bonnibrown 0

Sunday 31 October 2010 13:22

whatever makes u sleep at night

hockey_66 0

Wednesday 7 July 2010 10:49

Obviously the fml wasn't that she cheated, but that he hasn't had sex with his wife in two years

B33FY 0

Saturday 17 July 2010 19:20

hey leave Bubba out of it, he wasn't even there.

TiNyBuBbLeZ 0

Sunday 18 July 2010 21:44

my life isnt even that ****** up

XxCrazygirlxX 0

Saturday 24 July 2010 2:09

WTF

soul_fml 0

Monday 16 August 2010 5:52

2 years? wtf

punkglamazon 0

Tuesday 24 August 2010 6:20

they r u married, it can't b 4 d stimulating conversation

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend and I went on vacation. We flew 2000 miles, got off the plane, got our bags and stood outside the airport for our ride. She looks at me and says, "I can't do this anymore." So, she broke up with me and flew back home. Now I'm on vacation alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 325

You deserved it 4 035

Today, I was at a party with my boyfriend. There were some tents set up out the back so we decided to go in one. When we came out we got weird looks. It turns out my friend had turned on some lights behind the tent, showing a huge silhouette of me giving head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 671

You deserved it 36 481

The Top

Today, I was going to take my father to dinner for Father's Day. It all would have gone according to plan, but he saw my Facebook post about a 12-hour stomach virus I had yesterday, so he went out fishing with his friends instead without telling me because he didn't want to catch my "disease." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 088

You deserved it 1 835

Today, a house I'm working in burned down overnight. My entire cordless tool line up and everything else needed to remodel a 3-story home is gone. Almost $14000. The only way I will be somewhat, maybe, possibly, reimbursed is if I stay on to rebuild the home. I don't have anything left to even start. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 249

You deserved it 107

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend whom I love dearly because he doesn't share his feelings and won't commit. Yesterday, he wrote me a long love letter telling me he wanted to marry me. One of my kids had shoved it under my printer and I didn't find it until after he had moved out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 410

You deserved it 11 713

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 272

You deserved it 2 736

Today, I was sitting in Science class and to my surprise I felt my pants suddenly becoming warm and wet. I looked behind me to see that 4 boys from my class had inserted a small funnel into my exposed buttcrack and where pouring the melted butter from the experiment into that area. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 987

You deserved it 29 848

Today, the person who signs off on my work asked me to change numbers on a federal report, saying my logic didn't make sense. They have a bachelor's degree in education. I have two graduate degrees in math and computer science. FML

I agree, your life sucks 986

You deserved it 134