Intimacy: You have been warned

You have been warned

By PUA - 15/03/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 332

You deserved it 6 601

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By thisisavirus.exe - 31/12/2013 20:57 - United States - Sherwood

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time. The first thing he did was show me a bullet, then he basically said that if I don't submit to his daughter's every whim, that bullet will end my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 208

You deserved it 5 549

Meet the in-laws

By Anonymous - 13/11/2021 19:59

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad. He pointed to two crossed swords above the fireplace and informed me the right one is his, and that if I ever hurt his daughter, he’ll give me a fighting chance by letting me use the left one. This guy thinks he lives in the Middle Ages or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 403

By quit fucking up my life - 23/11/2013 01:08 - United States - Kenai

Today, my dad met my boyfriend for the first time. He soon "casually" took a huge knife from the kitchen drawer and told my boyfriend that he's always wondered what it'd be like to stab someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 658

You deserved it 4 922

By daniel55 - 18/02/2013 00:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 390

You deserved it 5 869

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 09:24 - Australia

Today, I finally invited my girlfriend over to meet my oddball parents. The first words out of my dad's mouth were, "So, you're the silly girl who agreed to date my dickhead son." It went downhill from there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 761

You deserved it 6 945

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 23:13 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 699

You deserved it 5 699

Thousand-yard stare

By timiscuous - 20/04/2020 20:00 - New Zealand

Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents for the first time. Her dad killed and skinned a goat in front of me, while staring at me the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 282

By pdub523 - 27/01/2013 05:57 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 193

You deserved it 3 814

Love and threats

By soontobedumped - 15/01/2012 19:26 - United States

Today, I introduced my boyfriend of two weeks to my parents. My dad asked me to leave the room so they could have some "guy talk". I eavesdropped, only to hear the words "sex-crazed fuck" and a threat to stick bamboo shoots under my boyfriend's fingernails if he ever hurt me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 882

You deserved it 4 880

By TronCat8230 - 20/05/2017 12:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's father for the first time, and from what I'd heard he's super strict and uptight. I go in for the firm handshake after introducing myself while looking him in the eyes and I accidentally grabbed his junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 077

You deserved it 2 165

Trembelwick 5

Thursday 15 March 2012 5:02

Ex-Marine used Slash on the wild enemy Boyfriend! It was super effective!

xii_clueless 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 5:03

Oh the joy of fatherly love ;]

Comments

Mirorbo 26

Thursday 15 March 2012 7:40

Yeah...no...sorry....whenever I got into a situation where a parent threatened me like that, I always went back to the 'just friends' stage for my safety and peace of mind, after explaining the situation to their child. I'm sorry, but if I can't be within 50 feet them without either parent unit trying to murder me with their mind, I don't feel safe or comfortable in said environment. It's not funny. It's just cruel.

tdog567 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 7:54

Lmao that's awesome I had a girlfriend who's dad was scary, not Marine scary, but prison scary. Don't let it stop you

ayel14 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 7:57

At least shes got a father that looks out for her.

br0ccoli 14

Thursday 15 March 2012 8:04

"oh no sir, the only thing I'm breaking is her hymen...err I mean..." *runs*

DevilDog91 1

Thursday 15 March 2012 8:25

Former Marine fucktard, there's no such thing as an Ex-Marine

Llama_Face89 33

Thursday 15 March 2012 8:26

Hmmm....that's a good idea...I should invest in a machete...

maddithegreat 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 8:28

Yep, I'd take that as a compliment.

Leviathan337 0

Thursday 15 March 2012 8:28

you better not **** up bro we got some crazy motherfuckers in this gun club

Xaviexis 6

Thursday 15 March 2012 8:40

If I knew how much you loved her, I'd know whether it's an fml, a ydi, or a neither (because if you really loved her enough, you'd have nothing to worry about but if you cared for her but are still in the whole "Is She or Isn't She the one?" phase than it's an fml but if you're stringing her along because you're a jerk, it's a ydi).