health

Bummer

By Anonymous - 24/12/2022 09:00

Today, I guess I’m really special because my body can do things others can't, like eat loads of good food and still feel weak and malnourished. Or spend 13 hours in bed and come out bleary-eyed with lack of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 179

Noise annoys

By IckyAsmr - 24/12/2022 02:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, after much delay, work was finally completed on my parents' new ensuite bathroom. It shares a wall with my bedroom. I was relieved, until I realised the endless crashing and drilling sounds have now been replaced with the sounds of my parents' bladder and bowel movements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 173

The impending sense of doom

By Awake - 23/12/2022 21:00

Today, I've known for a long time that I generally only wake up at ungodly hours in the night when something is wrong with me. Since last week, I've been doing this pretty much every night. Only now, I can't figure out what's wrong. Consequently, my anxiety is now keeping me awake too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 811

You deserved it 178

There's a Brendon Burns joke in there somewhere

By Fucking, Impossible - 23/12/2022 11:00 - United States

Today, I was attacked with the classic "I fucked your mom" joke. I calmly informed the troll that my mom is 51, obese, still married to my father after 20+ years, and, most importantly, had a life-saving hysterectomy when I was five. He still insisted that he did the act. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 1 215

Alexa, play "Insomnia" by Echobelly

By Anonymous - 23/12/2022 15:00 - Germany

Today, I have officially lost count of how many nights in a row I couldn’t fall asleep until the small hours, even though I go to bed early and get up early every single day. I’m the kind of person who needs at least nine hours of sleep to be anything other than useless and depressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 796

You deserved it 163

It's all downhill from here…

By Tree Hugger - 22/12/2022 17:00 - United States

Today, I went skiing with a friend of mine. He went first. I heard a loud *THUD* and went to investigate. When I went past him, he yelled, "I ran into a tree. I don't feel so good!" He said it in such a defeated and humorous way, that I crashed into a tree myself because I couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 893

Early bird booze special

By Anonymous - 22/12/2022 18:00

Today, I received an invitation to a Happy Hour happening tomorrow. It's at 6 a.m. How am I supposed to drink at 6 a.m.? FML

I agree, your life sucks 670

You deserved it 203

The red knob incident

By Bee - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 511

You deserved it 93 275

Heavy load

By alyssa ig idk - 21/12/2022 18:00 - United States - Taylor

Today, I realized why my sister has had so many fluids coming out of her, yet I was sick too and nothing was coming out. It's because everything I ate in the past 72 hours was piling up in my ass, and just came out as a monster 5 times bigger than normal, and left my ass on fire for 45 minutes straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 859

You deserved it 156

Leg day

By Anonymous - 22/12/2022 07:00 - Australia - Glen Iris

Today, I walked into the gym to do legs and walked up to the leg press machine where a trainer was taking weights off. I asked him if he was about to use the machine and he gave me an odd look and said no, then walked back to his client who was in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 147

Cocobananas

By Anonymous - 20/12/2022 14:00 - United States - Chicago

Today, while celebrating my 10 years home from Iraq, my brother told us about his new affiliation with Scientology. Apparently, all those roadside bombs I keep dreaming about are just alien ghosts that need to be purged. What's worse is how well it fuses with his new brand of politics: YouTube QAnon channels! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 140

Hi-Di-Hi!

By Jeff Turner - 20/12/2022 06:00 - United States

Today, I was preparing to leave my campsite when I noticed that my neighbors were trying to put up a canopy. I walked over and said, "Do you need a hand?" Then I noticed the man had a prosthetic hook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 871

You deserved it 158

Safe as houses

By chucklesman96 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 867

You deserved it 1 365

Seek help?

By Anonymous - 19/12/2022 09:00 - United States - Forest Grove

Today, everything I eat makes me sick, so I don't know what to eat anymore now. My BMI is low and I'm absolutely starving. I can't even eat rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 940

You deserved it 124

Kevin Shields is here

By Ring-a-Ding-Ding - 19/12/2022 12:00

Today, I woke up to find out that my tinnitus has suddenly worsened. I used to be able to just ignore it, but now it's ridiculous. Almost everyone says I'm "too young" to have it, especially this bad. I say those people can go fuck themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 939

You deserved it 120

It doesn't get better as you get older

By Anonymous - 19/12/2022 09:00

Today, I woke up with a stinky smell piercing my nose. Yesterday there was a party at my boss’s house, where I got super drunk and passed out. When I regained consciousness, I realized my panties were wet, my pants were wet, and, of course, the bed was wet. I’m 21 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 208

You deserved it 1 351

It's The End Of The World As We Know It (And I Feel Like Shit)

By The lights will flicker on...and off... - 18/12/2022 18:00

Today, the massive snowstorm that has been mercilessly attacking my city for the past week started causing random, brief blackouts every 2-5 minutes. I'm very sick, so the last thing I need is for this house to be cold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 864

You deserved it 145

I can't get you out of my head

By Anonymous - 18/12/2022 09:00 - Portugal

Today, it's been a week since I realized how much work the tongue actually does during eating. It pushes food around the mouth to my teeth like a little slug. I've been so conscious of it, I haven't enjoyed eating since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 795

Junk food

By Diabeetus - 18/12/2022 05:00 - United States

Today, it's been a year since my mom was diagnosed as being borderline diabetic. Since then, she has been giving all her unhealthy foods to me. With all due respect Mom, I don't plan on becoming diabetic myself any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 148

Foreshadowing

By Anonymous - 18/12/2022 00:00

Today, I sliced my finger open on a blender while removing a sticker that said, “Sharp blade, remove carefully”. I wouldn’t have gone near the blade if it weren’t for the stupid warning sticker that needed to be removed to use it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 988

You deserved it 214

Live through this

By IceBreaker - 17/12/2022 18:00

Today, while on my way to a meeting and the following job interview I had lined up, I slipped on ice crossing the road, landing on my dominant arm. The pain was awful but I persisted and attended both. Later, it turned out I'd shattered my elbow and fractured my radius. I really hope I get that job now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 107

Dad of the year

By Anonymous - 16/12/2022 21:00

Today, my dad told me that people requiring psychiatric treatment are just weak and pathetic, and what they really need is a kick up the ass and to get a fucking grip. He told me this not 30 seconds after my doctor recommended I spend some time in a facility for my severe depression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 186

You deserved it 152

Ouch

By Annalise - 16/12/2022 19:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I jumped up to touch the ceiling, then I landed on one of my younger sibling's Lego. FML

I agree, your life sucks 545

You deserved it 806

Better feel like shit than dead

By SirEnigM0nk - 15/12/2022 18:00 - United States - Parkville

Today, while preparing to celebrate my daughter's second birthday, we all discovered we got a present: COVID. We're all vaccinated, but still feel like shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 391

Cruel trick

By Anonymous - 15/12/2022 21:00 - Hungary - Budapest

Today, it's my one-year anniversary of being sober. For the occasion, my father decided to spice-up my non-alcoholic cocktail with booze. I didn't realize, and drank it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 680

You deserved it 131

I like to move it move it

By sunshinexx - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I announced to my family that I was going to start playing netball with my work colleagues. They all burst into fits of laughter at the thought of me doing physical activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 397

You deserved it 4 516

Rain check

By Anonymous - 14/12/2022 21:00 - United States

Today, I was supposed to leave for Switzerland for a month, to see my boyfriend whom I haven't seen for over 6 months. Unfortunately, I broke my leg three days ago and I now I need to stay home and get surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 025

You deserved it 127

Truth bomb

By Anonymous - 15/12/2022 00:00

Today, 98 year-old mom with dementia thought she was talking to one of my dead sisters and not my wife, telling her she'd better never tell me who my real father really, that I ruined her marriage. She won't have me ruining her reputation, so her getting pregnant with me from an affair was my fault apparently. None of my siblings ever told me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 371

You deserved it 134

Bigmouth strikes again

By Anonymous - 14/12/2022 18:00

Today, I was pretending to be a mom with my friends, and I was joking how I bought them candy and that it cost me an arm and a leg, only to realize that the cashier only had one arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 815

Glue ear

By I can't hear you! - 14/12/2022 09:00

Today, I found out that my waking up every morning with my ear being ridiculously plugged is actually an ear infection. How did I not know? It's simple: my ears generate enough wax to make an entire fucking candle, so I assumed they were just building up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 141

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The Top

Today, I told my long-distance partner that I wanted to take them on a date to the aquarium next time they're in town. They said, "That would be my first date ever!" When I asked about when we went to the zoo and dinner last week, they said it was, "the closest thing to a date" they'd had. Apparently, we're actually just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 847

You deserved it 253

Today, I was with my boyfriend. He got up, shut the blinds and turned around to say, "I don't usually shut the blinds, but no one can see this." Assuming we were going to have sex, I took my pants off. He asked me what I was doing, then sat down to eat an entire tub of ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 294

You deserved it 2 147

The Top

Today, I borrowed my 23-year-old son's laptop. The sticky keyboard gave me a good idea of his browsing history. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 076

You deserved it 14 092

Today, it was my first day at my new job at a nursing home. Not only were we short staffed, two residents passed away, and I got beaten up by an old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 553

You deserved it 2 553

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 466

You deserved it 6 767

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 923

You deserved it 2 523

Today, my new girlfriend, with whom I have not had sex yet, showed me her collection of sex toys. She picked up one approximately the size of my forearm and said "This one is my favorite." Now I'm scared for her to see me naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 824

You deserved it 5 007

Today, I still don’t know how to act in front of my mother in law. She thinks that the Earth is flat and told her kids that all sunscreens cause cancer. She also has other theories that make me feel weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 126