All the FMLs

By dumped - 23/08/2015 10:22 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 481

You deserved it 2 473

By emily074 - 23/08/2015 03:13 - United States - Salem

Today, the nine year old girl I was babysitting got the hiccups, so I told her to drink some water upside down to cure them. She ended up vomiting on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 159

You deserved it 11 931

By YourAverageFckUp - 23/08/2015 01:21 - United States - Richmond

Today, even after explaining to my boyfriend that I was self conscious about my breasts because they're slightly misshaped, he still persisted with begging me for a tit pic, saying he would still see me as beautiful. I gave in and sent one. He responded with "LOL WHAT ARE THOOOOOOSSSEE." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 590

You deserved it 14 857

YourAverageFckUp tells us more.

YourAverageFckUp 9

Wednesday 26 August 2015 1:37

OP here. First, thanks for all the support and funny comments :) no, my face wasn't in the picture. He said he did it to lighten the mood. He apologised and then surprised me by showing up at my place with flowers and chocolate to make up for it. Happy ending after all!

Security breach

By BryanTazed - 22/08/2015 12:21 - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tased. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 810

You deserved it 6 752

By period pains - 22/08/2015 10:47 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, my period started again. I just finished a 17-day period 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 878

You deserved it 2 133

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 09:44 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my wife accused me of cheating. Why? Because I recently started working out, and according to her, no married man tries to improve his physique unless he's trying to look good for other women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 425

You deserved it 4 653

By yooitscallo - 22/08/2015 07:30 - United States - Pekin

Today, I woke up from a dream in which my girlfriend gave birth to a litter of puppies. I can't even look at her now without getting nauseous. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 855

You deserved it 3 036

yooitscallo tells us more.

yooitscallo 8

Monday 31 August 2015 5:34

Haha, ironically the next day my girlfriend asked me if we could get a puppy, I couldn't even explain to her as to why I nearly threw up. Lol

Suck up

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 06:58 - United States - Cadillac

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered, "Fucking tryhard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 793

You deserved it 3 418

Connection

By Anonymous - 22/08/2015 05:49 - Canada - London

Today, my coworker called me a liar when I said I've been to New York. This is the same psycho who honestly expects me to believe that she and Brad Pitt have a "thing" and that he secretly communicates with her through interviews on TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 889

You deserved it 1 813

What the frick?

By cuckoo - 22/08/2015 03:59 - United States - Mobile

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 540

You deserved it 4 102

By FishFlingingMonkey - 22/08/2015 03:55 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I was eating and my dog kept bothering me. She kept scratching my legs for food, so I took a large piece of fish from my plate and tossed it out into the hallway. It flew right into my mother's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 304

You deserved it 8 133

By Kaei - 21/08/2015 20:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a box full of crickets in my room. I sealed it up with tape and went to take a shower. When I returned, I found that the box had popped open, releasing almost all of the crickets. I can still hear the chirping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 049

You deserved it 8 033

Kaei tells us more.

Kaei 21

Saturday 22 August 2015 16:53

thank you omg someone who puts 1 and 2 together

Culture wars

By FrustratedTutor - 21/08/2015 20:00 - United States - Andover

Today, the kid I was tutoring told me that, "Pirates were a myth. Like the Greeks and Romans." He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 817

You deserved it 2 831

Awkwaaaaard

By notwhatithought - 21/08/2015 19:43 - Germany - Erlangen

Today, the professor I've had a crush on informed me that there's only one way left I could still pass his course. Thinking this was an attempt to flirt with me, I told him I'd do anything he could imagine. He then looked confused when he asked me to write an essay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 248

You deserved it 33 695

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 563

You deserved it 2 628

Health and wellbeing

By fuck - 21/08/2015 18:22 - United States - Somerville

Today, I scolded my son at a buffet after he pointed at an obese woman in a motorized wheelchair and asked how anyone could let themselves get so unhealthy. As I lectured him on genetics and thyroid problems, she rolled past with a plate stacked with an obscene amount of fried food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 047

You deserved it 6 476

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 16:07 - United States - San Leandro

Today, after months of taking care of my grandma after a surgery, the doctors gave her a clean bill of health and I finally got to sleep in my own bed. She passed away while I was at home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 079

You deserved it 1 804

By MyBallsForSaleOnEbay - 21/08/2015 15:25 - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I screamed like a little girl and scrambled to climb atop the toilet seat when I saw a cockroach running around our bathroom. My 5-year-old nephew came in, slapped it to death and said not to be scared, because he'll always protect me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 146

You deserved it 7 257

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 08:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was putting the cat outside. He wouldn't go, so I kicked him. Then I woke up to my husband screaming. I’d been dreaming, and the "cat" I kicked was his family jewels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 688

You deserved it 9 172

By ANON - 21/08/2015 06:22 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, one of my ears randomly went deaf. I went to the doctor, thinking I had an ear infection or something. Turns out that your ears can go deaf entirely without reason, and I now have medication to take to see if I can get any of my hearing back in that ear. I'm only 26. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 098

You deserved it 1 636

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 05:55 - United States - Truckee

Today, I took my daughter to the zoo, because she loves tigers. Correction: she used to love tigers, until one sprayed urine on her from a distance of four meters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 401

You deserved it 5 438

Help!

By technicallywroteabook - 21/08/2015 05:15 - United States - Grapevine

Today, I turned in an essay about a book I'd read over the summer. My teacher later called me to her desk and began to gush about how interesting the book sounded and asked to borrow my copy. The book I wrote about isn't real, and the main characters are named after my childhood pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 098

You deserved it 17 390

By Anonymous - 21/08/2015 01:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by offering me a foot massage to ease my sore feet after a run. I asked for a lot of pressure. Now I'm back home in a walking boot after being diagnosed with a fractured fifth metatarsal bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 571

You deserved it 5 413

By sstahpp - 20/08/2015 21:24 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, while I was taking a long relaxing shower, the shower head decided to fly off and hit me in the face. The dentist couldn't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 546

You deserved it 5 026

Life imitates life

By Anonymous - 20/08/2015 17:48 - United Kingdom - Glenrothes

Today, my boss bitched me out for violating workplace privacy, after he found an FML post from last year that eerily resembled a situation that happened the same year. He thought I posted it and twisted things to make him look like an idiot. I've never posted here in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 161

You deserved it 2 581

By Anonymous - 20/08/2015 17:25 - United States - Houston

Today, I was driving home. I desperately needed the bathroom, so I was speeding a little bit. A cop pulled me over and gave me hell. He said he'd heard my story a hundred times and didn't believe me. I couldn't hold it and ended up marinating in my own piss while he ran my plates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 077

You deserved it 2 845

By fuck you btichass cuntshit - 20/08/2015 16:18 - United States - Shelburne

Today, I accidentally dropped and shattered my small bathroom mirror. My sister came to see what was going on, took one look at the shattered mirror, and said, "About time you put it out if its misery." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 816

You deserved it 2 728

By Anonymous - 20/08/2015 12:37 - Portugal - Lisbon

Today, I was talking to a colleague about love. He told me he's given up on love because things ended badly with a previous girl. I said, "Maybe it wasn't meant to be, and she wasn't the one." He then said the reason it didn't work out was because she killed herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 764

You deserved it 4 009

By NotCollegeBound - 20/08/2015 07:21 - United States - Butler

Today, after working incredibly hard to get into college without having to take out loans, classes started. I was told we'll need a $200 piece of software, and we'll fail without it. There's no way I can afford it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 898

You deserved it 2 190

NotCollegeBound tells us more.

NotCollegeBound 17

Friday 21 August 2015 1:37

Hey guys, OP here! I did consider pirating the software but I know there's a good chance of running into buggy software if I do so, and I'd rather not have to scramble to find something else if it quits on me in the middle of a lesson. The instructor's looking to see if there are any computers on-campus that already have the software installed, but that ruins the point of taking online classes, and there's no guarantee that even if she finds some, they'll be available on the days that I can get there. It turns out I'm going to need the software again for two more classes, though I can take them both in the same semester to make it easier on myself. I can also rent it for about $20/month, which is probably going to be the option we take once we can shift some of the bills around. I'm going to need it this semester (my first) and in my third semester, so it'll help save some of the cost. On the upside, though, it means we'll be using the same textbook for all three classes, so there's a little money saved there as well. I really think that the biggest suck was not telling us beforehand, because my husband and I had the money a few weeks ago. When we discovered that it was extra money, we decided to drop our 1-year-old off at my grandparents' and take ourselves out on a long-awaited (as in, we hadn't been out since before our daughter was born) date night. If I had known that I would need that money for the software, you can guarantee that we would have saved it!