Intimacy

Deadbeat

By Nola - 18/04/2023 15:00

Today, I found out that when you and your boyfriend are having sex and you say, “I wanna have your baby” and he says, “Yes baby” and ejaculates inside you, it doesn’t mean he’s gonna stay. He said in his defense, “You said you wanted to have my baby, I never said I agreed to be a father.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 562

You deserved it 1 905

Otter struggles

By Anonymous - 17/04/2023 15:00

Today, wanting to surprise my boyfriend, I shaved everything "down there." When he saw the result, he burst out laughing and said I looked like a plucked chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 146

You deserved it 309

Nice

By hborkowski - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Asheville

Today, I went to a urinal next to an elderly gentleman. As I was doing my business, he zips up and begins to leave. On his way out, he leans over my shoulder and whispers in my ear, "That's nice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 629

You deserved it 3 378

Put it away!

By Need eye bleach - 05/04/2023 17:00 - United States

Today, a woman had a wardrobe malfunction right in front of me. As if that's not awkward enough, that woman was my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 146

Undo! Undo!

By Anonymous - 04/04/2023 16:00

Today, I emailed a bunch of documents to a potential client, only to later realise later I'd also emailed them a folder of mine and my husband's very intimate photos. There’s things in there we only do when I’m very drunk, and am very embarrassed by. I’ve been ducking my bosses calls for two hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 1 308

No time to be joking around

By Anonymous - 03/04/2023 19:00 - United States - Omaha

Today, I had to have two stents removed from having kidney stones, so I was strapped down to a table. The doctors were guys. I said, "I’ve had this dream before, but you two weren’t in it." I didn’t realize the female nurse was still there. It took them quite a while to stop laughing before they started.. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 358

What on Earth are you doing?

By Anonymous - 01/04/2023 16:00

Today, in a bizarre power move, my cousin flashed me her tits. I thought it a mistake and didn’t acknowledge it, until it happened again for much much longer. I was terrified. Prior to this I hadn’t even realized she had fake tits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 207

Horndog

By Anonymous - 31/03/2023 20:00 - Australia - Buderim

Today, I left my student in charge of locking up because my wife was sending me risqué texts during a thunderstorm. When I got home, the windows broke and the living room got flooded. I then found out that my student didn't lock up properly and all my art got soaked. Everything got wet except me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 452

You deserved it 1 198

Bad student at the school of life

By Anonymous - 26/03/2023 00:00

Today, despite spending literal years educating my son about safe sex and warning him not to do something stupid like get a girl pregnant at 16, he actually surpassed my expectations. He got her pregnant at 17. Plus she gave him a nasty STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 389

You deserved it 237

Living in a bad TV show

By Anonymous - 25/03/2023 14:00

Today, I met my girlfriend's mom. Turns out I had sex with her once about 3 months before I met my girlfriend, and had no idea who she was. She’s been “happily” married to my girlfriend's dad for 25 years. I have no idea what to say or do and it’s awkward, so my girlfriend is getting suspicious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 073

You deserved it 462

Might as well make the most of it

By what the actual fffff?! - 23/03/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, grateful that my husband has been helping out more around the house, I figured he’d hired someone since he hates cleaning. What I wasn’t expecting was that he hired some chick in skimpy/kinky underwear that he found on Craigslist. Apparently the “lingerie cleaning service” is a thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 003

You deserved it 279

You never see that in those pornos (or so I'm told)

By Anonymous - 23/03/2023 04:00

Today, while trying anal for the first time, my partner pulled out but the condom got stuck. It was left it dangling outta my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 799

You deserved it 368

Good to know

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I went on Facebook. The third post down was a selfie of my mom looking sad, with the caption, "God I need a good dicking." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 057

You deserved it 14 154

Horny on main

By UnsexyWife - 15/03/2023 20:00

Today, I sent my husband a bra and panties pic. He simply “Liked” it on iMessage. Yet he always comments, “Beautiful, hot, gorgeous, sexy, etc.” on bikini models he follows on Instagram’s photos, along with lovey dovey emojis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 293

You deserved it 321

50 shades of shit

By Anonymous - 13/03/2023 09:00

Today, I got home and I saw my dad come out of the kitchen in a red silk hood. I had no idea what the hell he was doing, until I went inside and heard him upstairs say to mum, “Oh my grandma, what a big mouth you have.” Hell of a way to discover your parents like roleplay in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 231

You deserved it 244

Biblically correct frustration

By Bigfoot73 - 09/03/2023 08:00 - United States - Statesville

Today, it's been twelve years, seven months, and fifteen days since my wife has wanted sex. She was drunk. She no longer drinks. Guess my name is Job now and I have to be patient. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 138

You deserved it 356

Superfreak

By Anonymous - 07/03/2023 03:00

Today, I caught my brother masturbating into my underwear. Again. Our parents punished him, again, but I can guarantee he’ll carry on doing it anyway. Why can’t I afford my own house yet? I need to move out away from this creep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 516

You deserved it 225

Safe word

By But i like it rough - 04/03/2023 04:00

Today, I was arguing with my husband and he screamed at me to the point of tears. He asked, “Why are you crying? Last night we had rough sex where I spanked you, threw you around in bed, called you names, and you enjoyed that shit.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 394

So frustrating!

By Marvin-jones - 02/03/2023 02:00

Today, my wife accused me of using her for sex. I'd only just admitted to her two days ago that I've been struggling to get it up to try and perform, after a hospital stay and a month of almost no sexual contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 133

Self love

By why - 28/02/2023 10:00 - United States - Brookline

Today, I broke my leg. It's bad enough on its own, but I secretly have a fetish for casts and crutches. I'm constantly turned on and it's driving me crazy. Six weeks to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 481

You deserved it 1 184

Turned off

By Anonymous - 26/02/2023 17:00 - United States - Ingleside

Today, my boyfriend texted me a video of him having sex with a girlfriend he was screwing before we met. He thought it would turn me on; instead I am completely repulsed, and it will probably will haunt me for the remainder of our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 719

You deserved it 240

Creeped out

By Anonymous - 25/02/2023 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, I found out that my fiancé has been having sex with his sister while we've been together. I'm 5 months pregnant with his baby. They don't plan on stopping and talk everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 199

Major red flag

By Anonymous - 25/02/2023 05:00 - United Kingdom - Ashfield

Today, my boyfriend has been super nice to me all day and I was enjoying the attention. At bedtime, he asked me if I was happy, I said yes, he asked if was I happy enough to try butt stuff. I said no, like I do every time he asks for butt stuff. He turned over and went to sleep. So much for being nice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 582

Concentrate

By why am I like this?! - 24/02/2023 04:00

Today, stress makes my ADHD skyrocket. I lost focus while rubbing one out and didn’t realize I forgot to finish while I was doing the dishes. When I went to my room to try to get the job done, I lost focus again and ended up doing laundry. Not exactly the load I had in mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 777

You deserved it 460

AAaaaaaah!

By Anonymous - 23/02/2023 16:00 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I finally got to see my girlfriend's mouth open with pleasure… while she was scratching a bug bite. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 730

Medico issues

By Anonymous - 21/02/2023 10:30 - India - Chennai

Today, a guy on Bumble sent me a dick pic to me. I opened it, stared at it for a good few minutes, and replied, “I don’t see anything unusual. What are your complaints?” And then it hit me: It’s what they call “the life of a medical student.” I’m ruined! FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 309

Dick move

By facepalm - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to ask my boyfriend to stop measuring his penis during our conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 811

You deserved it 4 537

Great plan, kiddo

By Anonymous - 15/02/2023 16:00

Today, my daughter confessed to me she is pregnant from a guy she had a three-minute hook up with in an alley with, but I shouldn’t worry because she’ll make plenty of money from her OnlyFans, since lots of guys like pregnancy porn, Plus it gives her a real good reason to quit smoking. I'm gobsmacked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 729

You deserved it 381

Protip

By Herman - 13/02/2023 06:00 - United States - Bedford

Today, I went to my room to find my girlfriend on the floor, butt up, with her pants down. I elatedly took the invitation and dropped my pants too, only for her to tell me, "Not so fast champ, I'm trying to force some farts out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 471

Mini me

By ItsAGrower - 12/02/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, the device I bought to gradually stretch my penis longer arrived in the mail. I'm too small to get it to stay on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 071

You deserved it 576

Keywords

Embarrassing Miscellaneous Awkward Sleep Work Love Dating Am I overreacting? Annoying Parents Health Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts Fight Neighbours Cops Drugs Relatable Medication Dogs Animals Teenagers Ironic Video games Gamers Zoom

The Top

Today, yet again I had to lie to a date about what I do for a living, because every time I tell someone the truth, that I work in private equity, they have some choice words about "people like me ruining things" and "ruining the housing prices." I feel like an evil James Bond or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 512

Today, my brother's girlfriend came over to visit and we got to talking about books. Thinking she'd be interested, I suggested a few. She responded that she "only reads good literature." The only books I've ever seen her read are Fifty Shades of Gray and the Twilight saga. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 068

You deserved it 125

The Top

Today, my daughter was complaining about having no friends. My son told her it’s her own fault for attending church 3 times a week and trying to convert everyone at school like a Jehovah's witness who you can’t shut the door on. He’s 100% right but now she won’t stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 893

You deserved it 343

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 933

You deserved it 219

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 592

You deserved it 4 704

Today, I slept over at a friend's house. We decided to dress up as ninjas and play a trick on her younger brothers, sleeping in the basement. While sneaking down the stairs, in the dark, her mother came home. Thinking I was a robber, she beat me with a lamp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 332

You deserved it 42 371

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 584

You deserved it 62 927

Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 328

You deserved it 15 918