Kids

Dogfished

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took my 13 year-old fishing off the pier for dogfish. The only thing he caught was a piece of my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 201

You deserved it 4 447

My house, my rules

By Anonymous - 27/07/2022 00:01

Today, my daughter asked to go to a party and I said no, because I know some of the other people going and they're bad news. She then said she only asked permission as a courtesy, and is going anyway and just left. She lives with me but she did turn 18 last week, and I don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 948

My child is so hilarious!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while stocking shelves with canned goods, a kid no older than ten ran down the aisle, knocking down everything in his path. He was followed by his mother who was laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 464

You deserved it 2 815

Paranoid parents

By LibraryPedo - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was yelled at and called a pedophile by a mom for talking to her 5 year-old girl. I work at a library, and she looked like she needed help. This is the third time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 718

You deserved it 4 140

It's all too much

By Anonymous - 25/07/2022 04:00

Today, after my boyfriend dumped me, my job cut my hours, and my toddler got an ear infection, all I wanted was a takeaway after I finally got her to sleep. I fell asleep too and never heard the doorbell, so they left my food by the door where rats got at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 252

You deserved it 191

Tight fit

By Anonymous - 25/07/2022 00:01

Today, my two boys wanted to sleep in bed with us. My wife gave them the okay, even though there’s not enough room for all of us to lay. I’m now sleeping in my 3 year-old’s bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 168

Oh Lawd, he coming

By KidKillah - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Napa

Today, a small kid looked at me, screamed in terror, and hid behind his dad. I was just walking down the same aisle in the store. This is far from the first time it's happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 575

You deserved it 3 278

Sitcom dad

By Anonymous - 23/07/2022 06:00

Today, my wife is convinced I don't love my daughter. Why? She got her first boyfriend recently, and I was friendly with the lad, instead of doing the stupid "overprotective dad" routine. Apparently, not feeling the need to act like a dumbass sitcom character means I secretly resent my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 518

You deserved it 123

Dream baby dream

By MandieL - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I rushed over to stop my infant daughter from falling off her swing. Luckily just before she hit the ground, I woke up. Unfortunately, I woke up because I'd rolled off my bed and hit the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 764

You deserved it 1 907

Go play with your Lego

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 22:00

Today, I had to hide under my husband silently as he tried to get our 3 year-old son to go play in the living room so we could both finish. Sex is hard when you have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 426

Take your pencil and shove it

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 18:00

Today, I realised I will never be as important to my mom as her career. I asked if we could spend the day together on my birthday and she offered to “pencil me in” on one of her slower days in September. My birthday is in August, but apparently that’s inconvenient for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 264

You deserved it 149

Follow through

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 16:00

Today, my kid was on an app that makes fart noises. After too many minutes of this, I wrestled the phone away. He then went on to make real farts. Stinky ones. Then, had the inevitable shart, along with hysterical laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 277

Deranged

By Anonymous - 21/07/2022 04:00

Today, my half-sister lied and told my mom I got a girl at school pregnant. My mom is unreasonable at the best of times, but after a full hour trying to get me to name this nonexistent girl, she's calling every parent from school to check if their daughters are hiding a secret pregnancy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 212

You deserved it 89

Judge Judy

By mother of a weirdo - 20/07/2022 16:00

Today, my teenage daughter came out into the living room and began belting out a song. When I cleared my throat, she screamed, turned beet red, and said, “I THOUGHT I WAS ALONE!” She’d been hiding all day, and to say I'm judging her would be an understatement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 492

When you gotta go…

By Anonymous - 19/07/2022 20:00 - United States

Today, my youngest son, for the third time, decided that the toilet is not where he wants to go to the bathroom. This wouldn't be an issue if he wasn't also squatting in the yard to take a dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 212

Never assume

By It_gets_better - 19/07/2022 06:00 - United States - Las Cruces

Today, at a family gathering, I gave my toddler my phone to get a moment of peace. After assuring my nosy, judgemental aunt and cousin that I wasn't worried about it because I have dropped it myself numerous times over the last two years, and I trusted the OtterBox phone case it was in, my son dropped and broke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 935

Soldier boy

By Anonymous - 19/07/2022 12:00

Today, after my idiot son joined the army, flew out on deployment, he then flew straight back home again after accidentally shooting himself. His squad leader said it was the most bizarre accident he’d ever seen while still being considered an accident. As I said, my son's an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 118

You deserved it 232

Did I teach you NOTHING?

By Anonymous - 19/07/2022 00:00

Today, I ordered pizza for dinner and left cash by the door so my son could pay for it, in case it arrived before I got home. I told him they should get all the money, but I just found the tip. Apparently he thought I'd miscounted. I'm a server. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 189

Social services

By Anonymous - 18/07/2022 06:00

Today, at work I had to handle two selfish parents returning their adopted 6 year-old daughter to foster care because, “She doesn’t, like, fit with our lifestyle, and my mom is, like, too old to babysit her anymore and we, like, can’t afford a nanny.” I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 033

You deserved it 122

Waste of time

By Sick - 17/07/2022 16:00 - Chile - Santiago

Today, after our in-laws begged us to go, we drove 350 km each way to attend a birthday party on a Sunday. Upon arriving, they informed us the party started at 5 pm, not lunch time, leaving us to drive 5 hours in the dark. Our reward? My husband, 3 year old, 7 month old, and myself tested positive for Covid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 107

You deserved it 207

Best vacation ever

By anon - 16/07/2022 18:00

Today, I've been on vacation with my friend and his family for a week. Apparently, his idea of a vacation includes constant screaming arguments with his wife, while their kids sob in the living room. I tried to take the kids out once and got a lecture on boundaries, which started another huge fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 189

You deserved it 114

You can't say anything these days

By Ashley Marshburn - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my 4 year-old daughter walked into my home office and said, "Fuck you!" Then she ran to my husband and said, "Did I say it right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 589

You deserved it 5 378

Stranger danger

By anniethemoth - 15/07/2022 16:00

Today, my five-year-old daughter is absolutely miserable and constantly putting herself down, as she has been for a week. What happened a week ago? She bumped into a stranger at Walmart, apologized, and the guy told her, “Nope, not good enough. You need to die.” Who says that to a child? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 436

You deserved it 126

Lovely family vibes

By Anonymous - 14/07/2022 18:00

Today, we have three kids. Two were "natural" and our third was through expensive IVF. Of all three kids, only our IVF son turned out to be a real asshole. Now he’s going to jail for armed robbery and pushing a pregnant woman to the floor. Wish we’d saved that IVF money and paid off the mortgage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 326

You deserved it 501

Nice try, kiddo

By Anonymous - 12/07/2022 22:00

Today, my 9 year-old son actually thought he could blackmail me for money and an Xbox with a very badly photoshopped picture of me in bed with Hermione from the Harry Potter films. My wife thinks this is hilarious, but I’m worried if he’s doing this at 9, what will he be doing at 18? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 489

You deserved it 241

That's entertainment

By Liam - 12/07/2022 04:00

Today, my son and his girl best friend have been dancing around each other for a year, unwilling to make the first move. It's a great source of entertainment for my wife, while I just want to yell at them to kiss already, but my wife has threatened "CONSEQUENCES" if I ruin the fun she has watching their teen drama. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 206

You deserved it 261

They grow up so fast these days…

By Anonymous - 11/07/2022 06:00

Today, my 5 year-old and I walked in on a girl giving her boyfriend a blow job in the washroom at the playground. Last week we found a crack pipe on the picnic table. So many conversations I wish we could have waited for… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 258

You deserved it 167

This season on Succession…

By DeathBySquirrelsShallBeHis - 10/07/2022 04:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my dad started openly playing favorites among his kids, just to start drama. I had to warn my little sister - the favorite - that he was using her senior photos to do it. I'm gonna kill him, and get her a better dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 141

Scarred for life

By Guess who's back - 10/07/2022 10:00 - Australia - Homebush

Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 1 817

Party of five

By Five Is The Spiciest Number - 09/07/2022 14:00

Today, while I was helping my parents clean their house to my dad's playlist, the song "Mama Told Me (Not to Come)" started playing. My mom very casually said to my dad, "I did tell you, but you did anyway. Five times, in fact." Guess how many children my parents have, including myself? FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 233

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I just found out that my sister will be bringing her boyfriend along to spend Christmas with my family. The two of them, along with my brother and his wife, make me the only single one in the family this year. Looks like I'll be spending Christmas Day with the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 147

You deserved it 1 044

Today, while at work in a subscription TV call center, a 71 year-old male customer went into explicit detail about the "adults only" programming that he enjoys, including all the kinky things he learns from said programming, and tries out on his 70 year-old wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 025

You deserved it 6 525

The Top

Today, my manager said I could go on a break when he came back from his. After 7 hours with him still missing, I started to get dizzy. I ended up passing out and hitting my head on a ladder from lack of food. I woke up in the hospital to a card from my manager saying, "Get Well. Don't Sue." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 533

You deserved it 588

Today, I got told once again that I’m being a horrible mother by letting a man move in with me. We recently got engaged after 6 years together. Meanwhile, my ex has a new girlfriend practically every other month and forced our kids to call multiple women “Mommy.” Yeah, I’m the bad guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 136

Today, at work, a table of girls complained to the manager about me. The complaint? "He's not hot enough to work here. We want a sexy server." The manager agreed with them and sent me home. I might lose my job because of a table of shallow women. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 676

You deserved it 203

Today, I was late to work because the metro broke down. Yesterday I was late to work because the train in front of me broke down. The week before that I was late to work because the swat team shut the entire metro station down. Even the interns think I'm making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 505

You deserved it 31

Today, my friend told me she was going to start drinking Gatorade, so she could get the body shape of the athletes on TV. When I tried to explain to her that she'd also need to work out to achieve this, she went nuts and hurled the bottle at my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 382

You deserved it 3 232

Today, I got an email from the local D and D meet up group that the next meeting will be on Feb. 14th. I don't know what is more sad: that the group is meeting on Valentine's Day, or that I have nothing better to do but go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 253

You deserved it 4 530