Wanker and Intimacy: Caught

Caught

By Boredom - 26/01/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 845

You deserved it 76 244

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Same thing different taste

False alarm

By dirtyhands - 18/02/2009 23:01 - United States

Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 529

You deserved it 62 912

Great chat!

By eric - 16/03/2011 07:31 - United States

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 236

You deserved it 96 460

Self harm

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 6 229

Play it cool

By Fraser - 08/03/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 203

You deserved it 56 647

Knock next time please

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 21:32 - India

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 969

You deserved it 794

Overdoing it a bit

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 16:00

Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 1 179

You wanker!

By Nik - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 456

You deserved it 4 567

By Jared - 25/02/2012 19:09 - United States

Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 015

You deserved it 30 875

By Anonymous - 25/08/2018 19:30 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I had to get stitches on my nutsack. I didn't know my mom had waxed the bathroom floor, and while I was stepping into the tub to take a shower my feet slipped in different directions. I landed crotch-first on the metal door frame. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 713

You deserved it 193

Hot boy summer

By dumbassbuffet - 11/11/2011 15:53 - Canada

Today, I cut my penis on a desk fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 748

You deserved it 84 094

MisterJD 0

Sunday 8 February 2009 15:37

Gravity - you fought the law, and the law won.

Inkspell 2

Friday 13 February 2009 2:01

wait-wtf? why is barely anyone messing with this guy about an attempt at giving himself a *******, that's...friggen disgusting..wth? some of you even ask how to do it and ..wtf?! Well.. i'm only 15..so i woudn't know..but jebus guys, what the blazing balls.

Comments

Bkkid99 0

Friday 6 March 2009 2:14

Dude . You needa girl .. like really bad

cooler66 0

Friday 6 March 2009 6:41

LOL shit go to a doctor so they will remove one pair of ribs and it will be much easier then for u

y_2_me 0

Saturday 7 March 2009 18:42

I agree with #3 or just lock your door or go to the bathroom and lock the door

WayneStorm 0

Sunday 8 March 2009 4:16

#49; most people don't have beds in their bathrooms. Who's going to lie on a hard floor and suck themselves? And it's completely different than using your hands. It's one thing to feel IT in A mouth. And it's another to feel one in YOUR mouth.

Nabee143 3

Thursday 11 October 2012 19:10

I'm pretty sure he wasn't lying on the floor. That would be almost impossible. He was probably in a sitting position. I don't know but it's weird. Lol

wtf20007 10

Wednesday 11 March 2009 14:55

lol i know a dude that can do that.. and he's not well hung.. just kinda flexable.. gives more insinitve do to aerobics eh?

deuce_wild 0

Thursday 12 March 2009 20:13

if you could, would that make you gay?

jhon316 0

Tuesday 4 May 2010 6:22

no actualy not it's called um shoot I forgot but it's called haveig sex with yourself so it's not gay

bassguitar19 1

Friday 13 March 2009 3:30

guys anyone who goes like "wow..." or 'disgusting' is just plain retarded. its your penis, nothing wrong with trying to suck it. and it is NOT gay #46

Eryx_fml 3

Sunday 15 March 2009 23:24

I agree with #47 and my dick is big enough so I can autofellate. It's pretty good, and I'm sorry for the ones that can't do it and are just plain jealous :D Anyway... Sorry for your mom figuring you out, I wonder what she thought.