Intimacy: Screwing

Screwing

By ThanksMom - 26/03/2009 18:17 - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

I agree, your life sucks 104 589

You deserved it 9 207

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Same thing different taste

Too. Much. Information.

By knnev - 05/09/2021 08:01

Today, I had to explain to my mother that she needed to buy a new mattress, telling her that we could hear the springs rattling every time she had sex with my dad. She then went on to explain that that is why they have sex on my bed when I'm not home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 647

You deserved it 179

By Noname - 24/02/2009 18:13 - United States

Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 688

You deserved it 5 273

By CallaC - 15/03/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 505

You deserved it 2 898

Back to reality

By Anonymous - 24/12/2012 18:02 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 968

You deserved it 28 295

By taurus05 - 14/11/2009 03:02 - United States

Today, I was talking to my fellow coworker about how nervous I was about sleeping with this guy I really liked. She's been constantly giving me advice about him for months, but today she said "Oh don't worry, he isn't that good in bed anyway." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 161

You deserved it 3 341

By bunkbed - 30/08/2011 16:45 - Canada

Today, I bought my daughter a bunk bed. After spending several hours building it, she climbed up, then fainted. Turns out she's afraid of heights. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 056

You deserved it 3 876

Neglect

By Very caring parents - 26/02/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I'm staying at my parents' house. I was woken up by the fan in my bedroom falling down. I calmly picked it back up and went to bed, wondering why my parents weren't concerned at all. My mom said she figured it was nothing, and when my dad tried to say something, she retorted, "You didn't even wake up!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 102

By fmjob - 21/07/2009 04:39 - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

I agree, your life sucks 90 294

You deserved it 6 253

By linn - 27/09/2012 20:14 - United States

Today, my mom decided the time was right to give me the sex talk. Towards the end, I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. As I came back, I overheard my dad telling my mom that I'm so unpopular, the only time I'll get laid is when I'm being put in a coffin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 133

You deserved it 3 210

Dry

By moresexperience - 11/09/2009 12:26 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. It all was going fine until my mom asked aloud, "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied, "No." I'd actually been painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 469

You deserved it 4 307

puffingdragons 0

Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

Mothers deliver the sickest burns. True story.

ohhboyy 0

Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

tell your mom you inherited the ugly genes from her. that'll keep her quiet.

Comments

Serial 2

Friday 27 March 2009 2:05

nothing wrong with screwing on a collapsed bed

fishbowl 0

Friday 27 March 2009 2:11

I agree with # 33. and # 17

TheEmoPrepGirl 0

Friday 27 March 2009 2:19

I can't believe she would say that! Haha, #29 made me laugh!

f_my_life05 0

Friday 27 March 2009 2:47

Haha! That sounds like something my mom would say. Get back at them by having sex in their bed and not changing the sheets afterwards.

JFoster123 0

Friday 27 March 2009 2:56

just say "no mom ur right. mines not big enough. that y i had to use urs last time"

SmexxiHunny 0

Friday 27 March 2009 3:30

Awww that sucks! Prove them WRONG!

libertyprime 0

Friday 27 March 2009 3:40

Wow, Mom shows a vote of no confidence. Haven't heard that one thirty thousand times before.

yeahreally 6

Friday 27 March 2009 3:42

say "well im sure your bed will more than suffice."

napalm_fml 0

Friday 27 March 2009 4:01

If it wasn't for grandmothers, mothers, girlfriends and wives, who would have left to emasculate men?

plus81 0

Friday 27 March 2009 4:04

Looks like she doesn't want a grandson yet and doesn't trust condoms... or doesn't trust you.

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I'm in the south of France and I was trying to impress a cute date at a coffee shop by ordering in what I thought was perfect French. He gave me a weird look, and the barista looked confused. Turns out, instead of ordering a "latte," I asked for "lait," which is just milk. I sat there awkwardly, sipping my cup of cold milk while he watched. FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 497

Today, my boyfriend started to suck on my boob, which I quite enjoy, until he said he was breastfeeding and called me "Mummy". I don't think I can ever let his mouth near my boobs ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 015

You deserved it 3 402

The Top

Today, after Boris made his Monday night lockdown announcement, my husband announced that no way can he handle another lockdown stuck in the house with me and two teenagers, so he drove all night to our static caravan and insists he’s staying there alone until lockdown is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 905

You deserved it 191

Today, I walked out of the operating room at the end of an emergency case. I spent ten minutes talking to a woman about her son before we realized I was talking to the wrong family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 252

You deserved it 28 740

Today, I started my new job. Only after I met my new boss did I realise I've met him before. He was at my friend's party last month, the only time in my life when I got so wasted that I danced on a table before puking on myself. He remembers me, too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 219

You deserved it 12 053

Today, I was caught on a hot mic during a work department meeting complaining about someone using a leaf blower, F-bombs and all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 237

You deserved it 869

Today, I tried to turn in a final exam online. When I went to check if it had been submitted Blackboard told me it did. My grade told a different story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 201

You deserved it 155

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 916

You deserved it 7 173