Health: Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog...

By Anonymous - 22/12/2010 07:54 - United States

Today, I found out that if I try to resist a 70 pound bulldog that's humping my leg, I will end up with stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 239

You deserved it 3 253

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Same thing different taste

Bad boy!

By Anonymous - 12/04/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I dog-sat for my neighbors' pitbull. Weighing in at 100 pounds with a nasty bite, this dog is no lap dog, but I treated it as one - not knowing how deadly this dog could be - beckoning it towards me with my hand. I now have 6 stitches in my hand and arm, and the neighbors didn't pay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 255

You deserved it 17 906

By Anonymous - 08/02/2017 04:00 - United States - Tucson

Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 943

You deserved it 1 094

By ZAnon - 06/02/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 702

You deserved it 3 819

Jogging is bad for you

By Broken - 17/06/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was running with my sister's dog. It had the brilliant idea of shooting between my legs and I immediately faceplanted on the cement. I now have a swollen nose and cuts all over my body. I'm a grown man who does martial arts and I got beat up by a dog the size of a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 920

You deserved it 6 757

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Kelsiiii - 11/03/2020 03:00

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 2 093

Beast Mode

By Vee - 24/09/2017 07:00 - United States

Today, my 80lb black lab decided that the moment I start doing pushups is her cue to mount me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 202

You deserved it 434

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 23:05 - United States - Evanston

Today, I laughed at my grandma's chihuahua poodle mix, as it barked at me entering the house. "What are you going to do, nibble me to death?" is apparently enough to make it jump and bite me. I needed five stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 491

You deserved it 13 250

Showtime

By Anonymous - 16/09/2019 12:00 - United States - New York

Today, I accidentally rammed my finger into my desk, and it felt like I'd broken it. Yelping in pain, I fell over onto my bed, missed it, and landed on the floor. My dog saw this as a good opportunity to climb on top of me and start humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 583

You deserved it 298

By Anonymous - 07/03/2015 20:14 - United States - Columbia City

Today, a dog bit me, tearing a hole through my sweatpants, my shorts, and my underwear, all to get at the dog treat I'd hidden in my pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 435

You deserved it 9 322

By humanchewtoy - 07/07/2018 20:30

Today, I was lying in bed recovering from a laparoscopy with my dog laying next to me. I fell asleep and later awoke to a burning pain on my incisions. My dog had decided the stitches would be fun to chew on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 933

You deserved it 483

Battledog5006 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:10

Dam that's one sharp dick

btnhdude 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:18

you're in an abusive relationship lady.

Comments

ILEUX 3

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:07

first! and yea fyl

OverweightNinja 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:09

life goal reached?

lovebug254 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:08

sound fun haha

quaddrummer93 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 15:12

puts a whole new meaning to "needle dick"

Garytt 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:08

ydi

x_Cupcakes 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:09

You don't have to resist...

skull4k9 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:09

sucks

backdownbreh 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:09

ydi for not accepting his compliment for your attractiveness

Battledog5006 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:10

Dam that's one sharp dick

btnhdude 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:16

hahahaha

Zesty697 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 13:27

omg @9 that was classic pure humor

charlesnk7 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 15:53

gd 1

Garytt 0

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:11

you too :)

jewban 3

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:15

sue the dog

gunmania0 12

Wednesday 22 December 2010 12:16

just wait till he's finished... you wouldn't want to give him blue balls.

icantellu 7

Wednesday 22 December 2010 13:10

haha ur awesome

Keywords

Health Miscellaneous Embarrassing Party Dogs Animals Shopping Coffee Relatable Cute Kids Holidays Cats Love AITA Relationship advice Ghosting Awkward Sports Money Solitude Lonely Management Work Surprise Birthday Food Gross Friends Depression

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Today, my father seems to be having an affair. A used condom was carelessly left on his nightstand and my mother found it. She refuses to believe that my boyfriend and I are not responsible. As punishment I am "no longer allowed to see him." We're both 22 and live together in our own apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 259

You deserved it 3 350

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DA. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!...

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Today, my 20-year-old sister put ketchup on my back instead of sunscreen at the beach. FML

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You deserved it 218

Today, I accidentally dropped my birth control pill. My cat ate it before I could pick it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 348

You deserved it 2 786

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 075

You deserved it 3 721

Today, I received a text from my dad, which was borderline-incomprehensible due to an insane amount of text language. I replied, jokingly asked if he had a stroke while writing it. A few seconds after hitting send, I remembered the stroke he suffered last month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 757

You deserved it 54 877

Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 483

You deserved it 4 627

Today, I woke up to find my 6-year-old daughter had duct taped me to my bed and dropped my wallet down the toilet. Well played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 688

You deserved it 637

Same thing different taste

Bad boy!

Jogging is bad for you

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

Beast Mode

Showtime

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