Intimacy: Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death,... - FML

By strangely - 25/07/2015 00:12 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I had to imagine myself savagely beating my cat to death, just to stop myself from getting a boner while a girl laid her head in my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 355

You deserved it 6 304

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Same thing different taste

My eyes! My eyes!

By Anonymous - 03/06/2013 05:47 - United States - Sanford

Spicy

Today, I had to pee in my cat's litter box, just to avoid seeing my mom having sex in the living room on my way to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79 334

You deserved it 6 428

Surprise, wanker!

By pussnboots - 16/07/2024 13:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, as I was feeling frisky, I started to jack off. I was about to come when my cat attacked my hand and nether regions under the blanket. I really got the pussy, didn’t I? FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 218

By MrAries - 02/03/2016 11:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I'm so sleep-deprived, I got a boner from just thinking about falling asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 767

You deserved it 2 332

By djoe - 28/10/2010 12:00 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I was patting my kitten who was asleep underneath the blanket on my lap. My roommate walked in and gave me disgusted look. She thought I was playing with myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 899

You deserved it 6 323

Excitation morning

By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 05:00

Spicy

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 962

You deserved it 694

Smooth talker

By ugh - 31/01/2012 00:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 970

You deserved it 5 604

By Acne_problems - 22/02/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 994

You deserved it 268

Almost done

By Anonymous - 16/01/2020 05:00

Today, as I was trying to have some “self pleasure” time, my cat, WHO NEVER CUDDLES WITH ME, decides to come up and sit on my thigh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 889

You deserved it 414

By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 587

You deserved it 6 496

Vaporeon?

By me. - 07/05/2012 20:38 - Canada - Orillia

Spicy

Today, I got an inconvenient erection while at my girlfriends house, so I tried to think of something stupid to get rid of it. I tried thinking of Pokémon, which actually made me harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 285

You deserved it 12 182

Next

Top comments

JohnnyKade 25

Saturday 25 July 2015 20:03

You must've beat that pussy up good...

euphoricness 28

Saturday 25 July 2015 20:05

I don't think thinking of pussy will help your cause.

Comments

hahahehehe 9

Sunday 26 July 2015 20:00

That works??

Badkarma4u 17

Sunday 26 July 2015 20:29

Next time just let the boner happen. Women are not oblivious, they know we have penises. If it get hard what do you think she is going to do. The worst case scenario shes going to just sit up a little embarrassed. Don't sweat it. I wouldn't suggest grinding it on her face, but I would not go one inch out of my way to hide it. If she's putting her head in your lap she's interested.

dracolich 27

Sunday 26 July 2015 22:20

Next time, OP, you could stop being ashamed and use your words. "Hey, sorry, this position is making me a little "uncomfortable", could you move, please?" Women know reactions happen. If she's interested she'll let you know. Most of the comments above are just disgusting and frankly reducing men to the will of their penis. It's dehumanizing.

alex101676 8

Sunday 26 July 2015 23:18

what if she wanted you o get a boner, then blow u.

mullet3388 16

Monday 27 July 2015 0:19

u have some real issues

nghiadalat 3

Monday 27 July 2015 3:06

Seriously. She should have been expecting your boner and more.

gm1beanzz 14

Monday 27 July 2015 5:32

Flex any muscle in your body to get rid of an erection.

ventraltooth0 12

Monday 27 July 2015 11:51

I'm sorry man I know how you feel

Biker187 13

Monday 27 July 2015 19:42

Why an animal and not Jeffrey Dahmer

lmao_at_ur_life 8

Tuesday 28 July 2015 2:25

well good control on ur part...but she prob wanted u to get one

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Keywords

Awkward Smells Love Miscellaneous Embarrassing Health Painful Animals Cats First Dates Christmas Work Social Media Music Grieving Anniversary Boredom Abuse Ironic Intimacy Am I overreacting? Alcohol Drunk AITA Transportation Parents Gun control Kids Language Noise

The Top

Today, I decided to have sex with with my boyfriend. After we had finished, I jokingly said, "Who's going to sleep in the wet patch?" He got up and said, "You're optimistic, I'm not staying. Oh, and I'm dumping you, that performance was disappointing." It was my first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 574

You deserved it 4 529

Today, at my job as a hotel housekeeper, I accidentally entered the room of someone who hadn't left yet. To my horror, the man inside was having a massive heart attack. I just found out he passed away, despite immediate medical intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 698

You deserved it 83

The Top

Today, while at the dog park, I suddenly had to use the bathroom really badly. Since there weren't any facilities nearby, I decided to go behind a tree and relieve myself there. While doing this, two other owners, one who's in my math class, noticed me, despite me trying to hide. She definitely saw everything. School will be fun tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 226

You deserved it 26 422

Today, a tornado watch has been instituted in my town. At this moment, I have violent diarrhea, and my toilet sits right in front of a window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 276

You deserved it 4 250

Today, my dad was pissed and more concerned about his tomato plant being broken than the fact that I'd just tripped over it and hurt my knee. According to him, “It’s the best tomato plant we have.” Thanks for the concern dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 652

Today, it's been week since I won a Hackathon at work, while working from home, yay! Winners get trophies, which is cool. I asked my coworker who won if he got a trophy and another coworker decided to chime in with, "Only winners get the trophies." I won, but I just didn't get a trophy. "Oh, guess they ran out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 96

Today, in the morning, my wife and I were having hot but silent sex on my futon while our 3 year-old slept in his crib. It was going great until my turn to come when I released a loud, "AARRGHHHHHH". My son promptly got up, took one look at me and his mother's back, then promptly went back to sleep without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 451

You deserved it 1 816

Today, thinking maybe she could spare 5 minutes of her time and requires no work at all, I asked my wife for a handjob. She said no and told me I can “do it yourself.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 1 427