Intimacy: Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't... - FML

By No thank you - 04/02/2015 20:17 - United States - Columbus

Spicy

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 757

You deserved it 6 298

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 29/08/2010 07:27 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a really hot guy, when suddenly he pulled out and told me that "he had another fat chick meeting him in twenty minutes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 955

You deserved it 15 548

By M - 20/09/2015 23:59 - United Kingdom - Clevedon

Spicy

Today, during a work meeting, my boss leaned over to me and whispered, "I suggest we fuck". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 293

You deserved it 2 531

User manual

By Drewzter - 11/01/2010 03:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that pinching the tip of the condom before you roll it down to the base is NOT a suggestion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 961

You deserved it 26 497

Bigmouth strikes again

By Anonymous - 28/08/2022 16:00

Spicy

Today, after two months without sex, my new coworker began telling me about how his ex dumped him after fucking all his friends. The only response I could muster was, “Well, I wish I knew you better.” That got HR involved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 575

You deserved it 1 198

By workhoe - 20/02/2017 06:00 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a coworker I've had my eye on for awhile. Immediately after, he turned on the light and got on his phone. Me, trying to start a conversation, I said, "Well, that was fun." He looked at me and said, "Was it?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 004

You deserved it 1 760

By Anonymous - 27/11/2015 15:52 - United States - Westerville

Today, after many years of being single, I finally worked up the courage to ask my coworker out. He said no and gave me "fair warning" that he's going to report me for sexual harassment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 632

You deserved it 2 863

Denied

By Anonymous - 30/08/2023 22:00

Spicy

Today, I started coming on to my girlfriend, only to get a nasty rejection. I told her I would just go jerk off, to which she replied, "Don't you dare!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 517

You deserved it 142

Wanker

By alicia - 20/12/2012 22:45 - Canada - Montreal

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my fiancé that having me watch him jerk off over a porno is not in fact considered foreplay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 313

You deserved it 11 981

Sensual world

By Anonymous - 16/10/2015 15:05 - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Spicy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 241

You deserved it 3 011

By 123literateABC - 04/11/2015 03:10 - United States - Grand Haven

Today, at work, the janitor would not stop telling me how good I looked. This was after he told me he was fired for sexual harassment at his last job. He clearly learned that lesson. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 526

You deserved it 1 547

Next

Top comments

tdawg91 17

Thursday 5 February 2015 9:33

So romantic! What girl wouldn't swoon?

RobinGoodfellow 47

Thursday 5 February 2015 9:43

Are there actually effective pick-up lines? Though that one, I admit, is particularly bad.

Comments

shannon2348 14

Tuesday 8 October 2019 19:48

that is disgusting. only a complete idiot would think that's a good idea to say.

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Today, my 3-year-old pooped his pants in a public bathroom. As I was squatting down, doing my best to clean poop off of his legs and the floor, a wasp flew up my pant leg. I was stung four times before I danced it out of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 060

You deserved it 1 845

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 946

You deserved it 485

The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex while his parents were out. They came home early, ran upstairs, and knocked on the door. Scrambling to find our clothes, we gave up and just hid under the blankets. They barged in, drunk and laughing, and tried ripping the covers off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 000

You deserved it 8 945

Today, the office coffee machine was relocated next to my desk. My co-worker insists on making several cups of the stuff per day, but instead of drinking it, he stands next to me, audibly swishes it through his teeth, gargles, and drools it back into the cup. I retch every single time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 884

You deserved it 2 336

Today, I got rejected from participating in a depression study that provides free medication, for not already being on antidepressants. That's because I can't afford health insurance or medication, which is why I applied to the study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 386

You deserved it 285

Today, my boss called me to say that I've been slow at work this week and that I will be replaced if I don't pick up the pace. That would be understandable, if I didn't have a broken ankle and pneumonia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 141

You deserved it 1 627

Today, I used up the last of my deodorant for a business meeting on Zoom. FML

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You deserved it 1 402

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 1 435