Intimacy: Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work....

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 20:59 - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 019

You deserved it 6 028

Christmas: Snowy Joys and Blunders
Enjoy Christmas stories where unexpected gifts and family reunions create lasting memories... and fun! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By BatBee - 03/08/2016 02:29 - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 365

You deserved it 1 523

By Anonymous - 09/01/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 092

You deserved it 7 768

By Nav - 16/06/2019 22:00

Today, I sent a sexy text to my husband while he waited for a flight home at the airport. This was his response. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 364

You deserved it 770

By The Soul Of A Damned Queef - 31/01/2015 04:04 - United States - Dublin

Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 594

You deserved it 6 590

Access denied

By Anonymous - 26/09/2023 19:00 - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, my wife spent all day texting me dirty things so I used some of my holiday hours to come home 3 hours early for some sexy time. During my drive home she got in a bad mood, and no longer wanted sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 662

You deserved it 125

Sexy talk

By Anonymous - 16/01/2016 06:40 - United States - Denver

Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 010

You deserved it 4 819

Romantic

By Anonymous - 22/01/2011 05:29 - Canada

Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 913

You deserved it 6 864

Shower sex time?

By mark - 31/12/2011 17:40 - United States

Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 694

You deserved it 40 244

Steamy

By DreeStahr - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Liberty

Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 182

You deserved it 1 491

By ChopSuey - 01/06/2016 04:02 - United States - West Monroe

Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 917

You deserved it 1 627

Coop817 19

Saturday 19 January 2013 2:13

I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.

robo_thunder 13

Saturday 19 January 2013 2:12

He really has a way with words

Comments

hordriss 14

Saturday 19 January 2013 15:02

no beating around the bush with this guy. at least you know he says exactly how he feels!

gemmadaws 3

Saturday 19 January 2013 15:16

Hang onto him you got a keeper there

LittleMagicWolf 7

Saturday 19 January 2013 16:00

I wasn't even sure this was English at first.. That's some new dirty talk he shoulda kept to his damn self.

firefly319 7

Saturday 19 January 2013 16:21

Ahhh the art of foreplay. Sorry OP.

Sakaea 22

Saturday 19 January 2013 16:35

Hope you had fun, OP!

MatsumotoMania 13

Saturday 19 January 2013 17:04

What is he, a plumber?

erichsalvesen 13

Saturday 19 January 2013 17:05

I was 10,000! Winning!

thereseg69 7

Saturday 19 January 2013 18:36

I'd love to have a husband like that

vivek585 5

Saturday 19 January 2013 19:13

LMAO, this fml cracked me up! And I agree with everyone else. At least he warned you first and he ain't doing it with someone else.

xkncas 8

Saturday 19 January 2013 19:31

Honestly...if this is an FML, it means she doesn't put out enough to begin with and the husband is just finally that in need. Poor guy...start putting out more for him! Even if that means sucking his dick or taking a facial! This woman needs to be thankful her man isn't going out and cheating on her with someone like me, who would LOVE to have that kind of a text from a guy.