Intimacy: Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having...

By Anonymous - 11/06/2014 22:20 - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 635

You deserved it 8 171

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Same thing different taste

By margelover - 11/10/2011 19:06 - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 132

You deserved it 9 046

By Anonymous - 21/11/2015 10:03 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I was house-sitting for my friend. He was late to return and I ended up falling asleep on the couch and having a dream where I violently shat myself and suddenly developed a six-pack. When I woke up, I found the dream was half true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 046

You deserved it 2 323

By Anonymous - 10/07/2012 10:03 - United States

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 877

You deserved it 41 385

Poor pillow

By Randy Candy - 12/02/2021 17:01 - United States

Today, I was having a fantastic sex dream. So good, in fact, that I woke myself up breathing heavily and humping my pillow. I was at my friend's house and she saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 316

You deserved it 287

By AwkwardMoments - 26/01/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 971

You deserved it 712

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 25/09/2015 20:14 - Germany

Today, I brutally stabbed a guy to death for smiling at me, then puked and fainted. Then I woke up in bed, panicking, sweating like a pig and crying because I thought my dream was real and I was going to go to prison. I'm never taking sleeping medication again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 568

You deserved it 2 516

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 18:41 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I was having a wet dream and had a pretty vivid imagination. I ended up thrusting so hard that it showed up in reality. I literally humped so hard that I woke myself up. Not only that, but I was sleeping on the living room floor so my roommates saw and now it's their joke of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 717

You deserved it 3 994

By Dead_Fox - 21/11/2012 05:48 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I had a sex dream, which I interrupted by having an OCD-induced panic attack because apparently we weren't using protection. My brain won't even let me enjoy the fantasy action I get in my sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 881

You deserved it 3 891

By urgg - 05/09/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I woke up from a dream in which I had a penis. Apparently I talk in my sleep, because my boyfriend kept staring at my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 919

You deserved it 5 025

By Anonymous - 07/06/2012 17:41 - United States - Oregon City

Today, I woke up from a sexy dream about my boyfriend. Too bad I'd fallen asleep in my living room with my whole family over, grandma included. They were all staring. I'd been sleep humping and moaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 192

You deserved it 6 725

Paco_el_Taco 17

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Doh!

livinginabook 24

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Your mind scares me...

Comments

Paco_el_Taco 17

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Doh!

jerryj 27

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:37

D'oh!*

Sandsh8rk 36

Thursday 12 June 2014 11:58

Mmmmmm......sex *drools*

culo91483 8

Thursday 12 June 2014 19:42

@63 Your picture is perfect for the comment lol

AGB10 19

Thursday 12 June 2014 19:46

Doh! I didn't want to die so young. Good way to die though isn't it Margie ;)

incoherentrmblr 21

Friday 13 June 2014 1:56

Patti/Selma, is that you?...

peceout 29

Friday 13 June 2014 9:27

#32 is right. Its spelled D'oh. Look it up.

Paco_el_Taco 17

Friday 13 June 2014 21:00

Shut up Meg

katrinakae1 5

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

That's pretty crappy

DaMann360 19

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:02

Unless she enjoyed the sex part

ilikeirony 10

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:20

well homer is a hottie, i can see why op would have that dream.

JJ_86 22

Thursday 12 June 2014 22:17

Op should start practicing lucid dreams. Next time save the poor man from dying!!

DonkeyTeeth2013 22

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

You have very good dreams.

dimple13194 10

Thursday 12 June 2014 16:33

Depends on your definition of "good"

livinginabook 24

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

Your mind scares me...

ill_Will23 8

Saturday 14 June 2014 8:15

Lol your pic scared me

Nederlander95 14

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:47

JMichael 25

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:48

Start calling you Marge

norpedo 16

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:48

Well, you should get your dreams checked out and see what they mean.

meganlovestea 15

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:03

Yeah I'm sure there's a section in every dream book/website about having sex with Homer Simpson

StupidPeople18 1

Thursday 12 June 2014 18:16

There is a section for everything, I know, I'm a therapist/psychologist

AlwaysWatching 27

Thursday 12 June 2014 18:55

There is probably a blanket category like having uncomfortable/unsuccessful sex, but I highly doubt that Homer Simpson is a category.

tony2win 5

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:49

It could have been worse... It could have been his friend Barney.

martin8337 35

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:58

Or more worse, Mr. Burns.

meganlovestea 15

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:05

Mr. Burns would release the hound on you!

AnOriginalName 19

Thursday 12 June 2014 8:34

What about Mr. Flanders?

warsun 27

Thursday 12 June 2014 9:24

But Flanders is sexy though

krystenk93 23

Thursday 12 June 2014 9:44

Or Smithers...

TresAmusant 11

Thursday 12 June 2014 16:17

Or Hans Moleman...

meganlovestea 15

Thursday 12 June 2014 19:02

Nah Ned Flanders wouldn't, he's not a hey-diddly-ho

NatsuD_fml 13

Thursday 12 June 2014 19:07

Or Krusty

jsp16 24

Friday 13 June 2014 0:27

Or Comic Book Guy

mykeenblade 7

Saturday 6 September 2014 18:21

stupid sexy Flanders...

yourwifelovesme 25

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:49

Looks like Homer's lust.....*puts on sunglasses*......just took a dive *walks away dramatically*

KingreX32 21

Thursday 12 June 2014 6:39

YEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

willow196 9

Thursday 12 June 2014 17:42

BUMBUMBUMBUM BUM!

stupidface15 16

Thursday 12 June 2014 5:50

give me a call im into that stuff too

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The Top

Today, at work at an OB office, I heard a ruckus in the hallway before a very large woman burst into my room and tried to attack my very pregnant patient. Crazy lady is the wife of the pregnant lady’s baby daddy, who is nowhere to be found. I don’t get paid enough for this shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 503

You deserved it 64

Today, after months of getting shockingly more action from my girlfriend then at any point in our last 6 months together, I found out I’m getting more because she cut back on her formerly unmentioned husband’s “access.” Apparently, he refuses to lose weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 729

You deserved it 382

The Top

Today, I've decided that I am destined to be unhappy. I seem to get too invested in the ones who don't care. Including my current marriage, which is inevitably doomed no matter how much effort I put into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 194

Today, our youngest daughter bought her first house and moved out, meaning all three of our kids are now gone, so we can relax and gracefully grow old together, right? Nope. Barely an hour later, my wife showed me a positive pregnancy test. In nine months we have to start all over again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 517

You deserved it 943

Today, I was walking to my car after grocery shopping when I dropped my heavy-ass bag, which then ripped. Everything spilled out, and while I was picking it up, a kind stranger ran over to help me… by accidentally stepping on and smashing my carton of eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 364

You deserved it 81

Today, I was at a party with my crush. The collar on his shirt was sticking up so I fixed it for him. He gave me a hug and said, "Aww you're so good to me. You're like my mother. You can be my college mother." I got mother-zoned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 469

You deserved it 6 227

Today, I was so distraught during my mother’s funeral that I hadn’t been paying attention to anything around me. At some point, my kids changed my ringtone to “Ding dong the witch is dead” and turned my phone to full volume. They called while I was doing her eulogy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 99

Today, I took my daughter to get the expensive pixie cut she’s been "dying" for. As soon as we got home, my husband burst into hysterical laughter and pointed out that she looks exactly like he did in high school. Now she’s sobbing and begging for either a wig or even more expensive extensions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 092

You deserved it 228

Same thing different taste

Poor pillow

Night terrors

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