Spicy

Consent

By Anonymous - 10/01/2024 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife asked me to smack her ass as a sign of affection, so I did, she liked it, and we had sex. This afternoon I walked past and smacked her ass again. I now have a bruised eye, ringing in my left ear, and a severe warning to never do that again. Why? FML

I agree, your life sucks 572

You deserved it 190

Self rated

By Anonymous - 09/01/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, I realized my success rates for sex in my committed relationship were really, really low, so I've decided to stop trying for a while. I also recently have learned Excel. I made a pretty complex tracker if I ever decide to try again to monitor failures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 306

You deserved it 187

****** around…

By Anonymous - 08/01/2024 14:00 - United States - New Philadelphia

Today, I had unprotected sex with my 63 year-old friend. I’ve been told I would have trouble ever conceiving naturally. Now he’s worried I'm pregnant. It wouldn’t be so bad if his we weren’t both married. Here’s to hoping I’m not, and if so this baby comes out with brown eyes like mine and my husband's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 84

You deserved it 943

Classic tale

By Anonymous - 06/01/2024 21:00

Today, I literally caught my husband with his prick in another woman’s mouth and he had the nerve, the actual nerve, to tell me, "It’s not what it looks like, babe", all while trying to stuff his lipstick-coated knob back in his pants. CRETIN. IDIOT. CHEATING SCUM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 194

My house, my rules

By lordoftheweird - 06/01/2024 06:00 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I had to make a house rule for my extended family who live with me: No more incestuous sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 567

You deserved it 139

Bodyshaming sausages

By Anonymous - 05/01/2024 19:00

Today, I knew micropenises existed, I just never expected I’d see one in person after spending weeks building my anticipation of losing my virginity, getting naked in front of him, then being presented with half a cocktail sausage. Even if we had sex I think I’d still be a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 256

Gas giant

By Anonymous - 04/01/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend refuses to follow her doctor-mandated diet, which results in, among other things, utterly rancid gas. It's so foul that I've taken to sleeping on the couch, and I'm seriously considering hiring a prostitute so I can have sex without gagging on the stench. FML

I agree, your life sucks 406

You deserved it 224

Hard times

By Anonymous - 03/01/2024 03:00 - United States - Delmar

Today, I found out my husband of four years has been cheating on me with his boss, who had been kind and treated me well. I never suspected it until I caught them in OUR bed. All he would ever do was come home and complain about how hard his job was. I guess that wasn't the only thing that was hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 161

The policy of truth

By Anonymous - 02/01/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I'm ending a 35 year marriage. In the last few months, my husband has told me that he has been preferring porn to me since before we were married, he has had multiple affairs, he always knew his family was toxic and messing with me. Oh, and he wants us to, "Move on and have a happy retirement together." FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 143

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 800

You deserved it 13 299

Reputable

By Heartbroken Dad - 30/12/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, I found out why this reputable personal trainer resigned from our local gym. My wife started an affair with him and he thought it was better to quit so their relationship could be ethical. The worst part of all of this? Our 1.5 year old son is actually his and not mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 135

Business tip

By Anonymous - 28/12/2023 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I found a necklace on Marketplace identical to one my wife lost years ago, so I agreed on a price and drove over to get it for Christmas. There was no necklace and I now know that prostitutes will pretend to sell an item they’re photographed wearing, when in fact they are selling themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks 470

You deserved it 144

Piss poor excuse, dude

By Anonymous - 27/12/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 8 years is still cheating on me with the girl that he was caught sexting on my birthday back in July. His response was that if I didn't hang out with my friends on the weekends, he wouldn't have to find someone to entertain him all week. We live together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 428

You deserved it 232

Let's get it on

By Anonymous - 27/12/2023 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother-in-law berated me for not being pregnant yet, so I yelled at her that since she guilted us into letting her move into our house, she never goes out, our bedrooms share a wall, and she has the hearing of a bat, none of which helps me or my husband have any sexy time. It’s been 4 months FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 205

Pineapple juice

By Anonymous - 25/12/2023 18:00 - United States

Today, I was talking to my girlfriend when she said, "Babe, I'm not trying to be rude but your cum tastes horrible." I didn't know how to respond so I said, "Okay." Apparently, me saying that means i won't try to make my cum taste better, which I can "definitely do", and now she's mad at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 244

Don't send nudes

By Anonymous - 24/12/2023 00:00 - Sweden

Today, I fucked up by talking with a girl on Instagram, only for "her" to be a "him" and make me pay him $1000 so he wouldn't leak my private pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 133

You deserved it 745

What's wrong with me?

By Anonymous - 23/12/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, the guy I was seeing told me he only wants to be friends. Every guy I've dated in the last 10 years has lost interest after we've had sex for the first time, and nobody will tell me why or what I did wrong. I'm going to die alone and I don't even know why. FML

I agree, your life sucks 602

You deserved it 193

The long goodbye

By Anonymous - 22/12/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I were fooling around when her dad burst in, proclaimed an, “Aha! I caught you you pervert!” moment and threw me out of the house. We’re in our 30s with kids, and jointly own that house. Having a father in law with Alzheimer's is great isn’t it? Just fecking great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 552

You deserved it 138

The secret

By Anonymous - 20/12/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, my husband of 35 years told me he had an affair with his secretary in 1995, when I was home with 3 preschoolers. At the time, the phone system required that the secretary pick up, so I was saying hello to her like a fool. I had no idea at the time. He would just come home and tell me how hard his job was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 189

Captain Hook

By Kortnie Peterman - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my boyfriend and I found out my Nuva ring comes out quite easily, especially when he manages to hook it around the tip of his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 523

You deserved it 609

Major FOMO

By dan - 14/12/2023 13:00 - United States

Today, I learned my most recent ex-girlfriend is dating my previous ex-girlfriend who also broke my heart back then. I also learned that they both sometimes have threesomes with a man. I wanted to experiment by adding another woman when I was with each of them, but they always said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 273

You deserved it 473

Dating hell

By Anonymous - 13/12/2023 16:00 - United States - Midland

Today, a man I matched with on a dating app told me I was very unattractive but he would let me blow him if I put something over my face and kept all my clothes on. How did I get so lucky? FML

I agree, your life sucks 515

You deserved it 169

In training

By Anonymous - 13/12/2023 05:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend loves giving blowjobs; the problem is she is very bad at them, refuses to admit she is bad at them, and cries and stops talking to me every time I try and tell her how to do it better. My knob is red and sore where she keeps catching it with her teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 595

You deserved it 190

Cover up

By Anonymous - 12/12/2023 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and my sister have never gotten along, always slinging insults, getting in screaming matches, even getting in physical fights on two occasions. Well apparently it’s all been one massive act to cover up the fact they’ve been fucking behind my back for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 675

You deserved it 168

Creepy thing to do, for sure

By Anonymous - 11/12/2023 16:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my wife told me she wanted to try something that would turn me on immediately. While I was in our bed, she came in, wearing only the underwear she took from our 13 year-old daughter's closet. Now she doesn't understand why I'm genuinely disgusted and don't want to have sex with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 687

You deserved it 156

Confusing

By so confused - 09/12/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she was sexually frustrated. Naturally, I started coming on to her, only for her to shove me away and snap that just because she was sexually frustrated, it didn't mean that she wanted sex. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 441

You deserved it 218

Shenanigans

By seriouslywtf - 09/12/2023 07:00 - British Virgin Islands

Today, I found out that my husband is cheating on me with my ex-boyfriend, who came out about six months ago. We were still friends, and after they met, my husband admitted that he'd always wanted to "experiment." When I confronted them, he shook hands with my ex and said, "Now I get why you choose guys after her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 533

You deserved it 216

Date night

By So much for a friendship - 08/12/2023 13:00 - Israel

Today, I'm in hospital after a bad accident. An old friend of mine came to my ward, looked around, and asked if I needed any help. I asked him to stay and talk a bit, because we haven't seen each other since his wedding. He said, "Nah bro, I gotta go, or my wife will kill me. We're planning a sex night, by the way", and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 181

Gamers be normal challenge

By Anonymous - 07/12/2023 02:00 - United States

Today, some rando guy from a chat room asked me if I played Smash Bros or Mario Kart and I was like, "FUCK YEAH I play." Then they said, “Add me on Discord and Nintendo!” and I replied, “You bet.” He didn’t want to play Smash Bros, he just wanted the "smash." I ended up having to block him and disinfect my headset. FML

I agree, your life sucks 353

You deserved it 169

Caught in 4K

By Francia - 04/12/2023 14:00 - United States

Today, I walked in on my soon-to-be-ex-husband with his coworker (who we'd always argued about) bent over in front of him. Both of them buck ass naked. He was supposed to be watching our two year-old daughter, who was in another room eating applesauce by herself. She was drenched in applesauce from head to toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 201

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said, "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 700

You deserved it 94 045

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 512

You deserved it 84 247

The Top

Today, i managed to carve an hour out of my daily working-from-home grind to get some exercise and fresh air, only to spend all of that time stuck in the bathroom trying to take the same shit. I fucking loathe having Crohn's disease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 115

Today, I had my window open while playing my Xbox when my angry neighbour came over and kicked my ass for spying on his wife in the shower. Apparently, my room is opposite their bathroom, but my TV faces the opposite way, so I wasn’t even facing the right direction to be spying. Plus, his wife is ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 144

You deserved it 132

Today, I went on a coffee date. My date blew his nose on a discarded napkin, smoked half of my cigarettes despite "giving up", chewed tobacco at the table and casually invited a friend to join us. His friend spat out his tobacco and poured cough syrup into his coffee. I'll pass on a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 947

You deserved it 427

Today, my mother continues to copy everything I do. So far, she's switched to seeing my doctor, my therapist, my hairdresser, and even shopping at my preferred supermarket. I've lived independently for ten years, but I'm starting to fear for my safety. FML

I agree, your life sucks 977

You deserved it 114

Today, my mom lit a candle in our living room, telling the family how much she loved it. She then went on the tell us that my dad got it for her and it must have been some cheap candle. I bought the candle as a gift for her on her birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 972

You deserved it 3 133

Today, in an effort to look more professional at work, I wore high heels. My boss decided today would be a great day for me to walk around on the sidewalk holding a sign to advertise instead of doing the job I was hired for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 749

You deserved it 2 370