The Top

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By ksamp - 12/10/2011 04:26 - United States

Today, the man I love still thinks that female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 299

You deserved it 6 289

By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 623

You deserved it 6 737

By teeeessst - 13/12/2009 06:26 - United States

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 862

You deserved it 26 089

Not a morning person

By crazybitch - 18/06/2012 04:57 - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 009

You deserved it 4 069

By Darwin_Award_Winner - 07/06/2012 12:10 - United States - Beaumont

Today, in a drunken state, I decided that it would be a good idea to shave with a pizza cutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 711

You deserved it 36 317

By creepermagnet - 10/10/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, I rear-ended a car on the parkway. We pulled over, the guy told me his car was fine, and then asked me out on a date. It was only when I said no that he decided he wanted his car fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 936

You deserved it 18 843

By joolsie - 13/04/2012 13:11 - United Kingdom - York

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 289

You deserved it 32 047

We should do this again some time

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 559

You deserved it 2 490

Rash decision

By FilthyIke - 21/08/2009 20:17 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the rash I've been getting in my underarms, behind my knees and sometimes on my face. Turns out I'm allergic to sweat. I'm a varsity rugby coach, gym teacher, and I just shelled out a stack of cash to get a sauna and steam room installed in my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 767

You deserved it 4 386

By nevergoingonabusagain - 30/05/2009 06:52 - Canada

Today, there were no more seats on the bus I was taking home, which meant I had to stand. I noticed that a creepy guy sitting in front of me had a boner, so I took a few steps back. Suddenly the bus went through something like a speed bump, which caused me to fall and sit on the man's lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 264

You deserved it 5 712

By fatman - 14/12/2009 18:49 - United States

Today, I was on a plane. The person sitting next to me was using the plane's wifi, and was on Facebook. They joined the group 'I hate sitting next to fat people on airplanes'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 733

You deserved it 11 822

Traditional

By Vinny1017 - 07/10/2010 14:26 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend's father if I could marry his daughter. He smiled, shook my hand, and said "No. Now get out of my house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 419

You deserved it 4 852

I'm happy for you, but…

By OnlyMee - 09/07/2011 04:32 - United States

Today, at my ex's wedding, I had to listen to his joyful recounting of how he met his bride and how they fell instantly in love and he knew she was perfect for him. All this happened while we were still dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 882

You deserved it 9 984

Nice try, Steve

By betrayed - 16/07/2014 20:09 - United States - Portland

Today, I came home early, only to hear a mad scramble in the living room. I found my now ex-girlfriend and best friend in there, sweaty and in their underwear. The idiot actually had the balls to claim he was teaching her how to do push-ups. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 615

You deserved it 4 593

By Anonymous - 20/07/2010 10:12 - United Kingdom

Today, while driving through town, I was distracted by a pretty girl walking on the nearby pavement and accidentally rear-ended the car in front of me. Not only did the pretty girl witness the crash and give a statement, it turned out she was a very feminine man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 896

You deserved it 49 674

By negromancer - 11/07/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said, "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha, a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 674

You deserved it 4 387

Foiled

By james88 - 07/01/2013 21:39 - United States - Altoona

Today, in an elaborate plan to finally meet my cute neighbor, I convinced my friendly mailman to switch up our mail so I'd have an excuse to meet her. After I delivered her mail, I waited for her to mention that she had my mail, but she never did. I even saw her take it out of her mail box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 560

You deserved it 37 806

By still had to pay - 23/12/2012 21:36 - Australia

Today, I took my 5-year old daughter to get a photo taken with Santa, when she asked the dreaded question of why this Santa looked different from one at the other store. Before I could placate her, some cunt of a kid yelled, "Because he's not real, dumbass!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 576

You deserved it 6 272

Mah bawsac

By Anonymous - 12/07/2014 20:19 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I accidentally twisted my balls in my own underwear so badly that I had to be hospitalized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 019

You deserved it 8 045

News to me

By madaskueuchiha - 08/08/2009 03:57 - United States

Today, I got a call from my parents' divorce lawyer. When I answered the phone, she thought I was my mother and told me the details about my parent's divorce. I'm a 13-year-old boy who sounds like a woman and just learned that my parents are separating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 500

You deserved it 3 936

By Anonymous - 19/06/2009 17:52 - United States

Today, my mom thought it would be a good idea to see what websites I go on from my computer while I wasn't home. She clicked the link that gave my computer a virus that I just got rid of a few days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 176

You deserved it 5 544

By Anonymous - 21/02/2015 13:46

Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 153

You deserved it 4 054

By ab - 09/10/2011 05:11 - Canada

Today, a woman came into my work and yelled at me because no one told her the cake she had bought the week before was made of ice cream. She'd hidden it in the cupboard and it melted. I work in Dairy Queen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 472

You deserved it 2 575

By Laura - 03/05/2012 07:55 - France

Today, I saw my boyfriend spitting the mouthwash back into the bottle, because, "this stuff is really expensive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 486

You deserved it 42

The Gap

By mimabee - 14/06/2011 13:56 - United States

Today, my boyfriend got a job at a trendy clothing store in the mall. Trying to be supportive, I went to visit him and tried something on. I got stuck in the jeans and had to call my boyfriend, who sent the manager to pull the jeans off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 723

You deserved it 13 853

By Fmycar - 26/09/2009 05:19 - United States

Today, my football team played in a game against our rival school that was just a few blocks away. We hadn't lost the game in exactly 49 years, we were playing for the 50th year win. We lost 63-0, and got booed off the field by our own crowd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 409

You deserved it 38 110

By cbolig - 03/05/2011 12:15

Today, while on a first date with a guy who turned out to be twice my age, we were playing video games at the theatre before the movie started. Suddenly he falls face first while having a seizure. The EMT asked if my "dad" had a history of epilepsy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 386

You deserved it 31 776

Jailbird

By blondebarbie271 - 26/07/2015 23:55 - United States - Center Barnstead

Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 348

You deserved it 14 501

By Anonymous - 26/07/2009 17:00 - France

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 754

You deserved it 58 953

Some taken

By Atomic_Tangerine - 29/06/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, my mom, sister, and I were talking about a friend's girlfriend. My sister's opinion of her was that she was cute but not hot. My mom agreed, saying that she didn't think that someone without boobs could EVER be hot. She then looked at me and said, "No offense." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 727

You deserved it 3 689

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I came home early from business trip to Paris, where I bought an engagement ring. I was going to take my girlfriend of two years out and propose to her. I sneaked into our house as a surprise and… she was having sex with another man. Now I have a ring that I can only return in France. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 490

You deserved it 4 181

Today, my boss sent me a message about a project, via WhatsApp. It's my day off, so I figured it could wait till I was able to give a flying fuck. Literally a minute later, he was spamming me, demanding to know why I'd left him as read and reminding me that he has firing powers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 351

You deserved it 1 619

The Top

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of two years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 307 308

You deserved it 20 895

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that the size of a man's penis is not proportional to his height. He was insecure because he's 5'6" and assumed everyone taller had a bigger penis than him. He's 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 177

You deserved it 697

Today, I came back home to meet people before going away to university, including my ex and her new boyfriend. We broke up about two months ago and there were no bad feelings between us, so I decided to have a chat with them. I asked "How long have you been going out?" He replied "Seven months." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 100

You deserved it 2 795

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 809

You deserved it 2 243

Today, I came in to what was already going to be a long day at work. All of my coworkers no-showed. With them, it probably would've taken about 5-6 hours to get all my work done and go. It took ten hours. My feet hurt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 107

Today, my daughter had her gall bladder removed after just having liver surgery, my girlfriend tripped and fell, breaking several toes and possibly her ankle, and I got almost no sleep between my night shifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 93