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The Secret

By Anonymous - 06/08/2024 19:00

Today, I have a girlfriend. Our moms are best friends. Our dads are best friends. Our younger siblings are best friends. Our grandparents have known each other for 70 years. I hate my girlfriend. I have hundreds of texts proving she’s a cheating whore, but I feel trapped by our families' happiness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 728

You deserved it 209

Don't do drugs, kids

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while at a concert, I stepped into a restroom to use my nasal spray since my allergies were acting up. Apparently, someone thought that I had been snorting coke in the stall. I was escorted outside and had to wait for the cops until I could explain everything. I missed the headliner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 939

You deserved it 3 587

Such a gentleman

By Harry123 - 01/09/2024 12:00 - United Kingdom - Swansea

Today, I was trying to be polite by holding the door for an elderly lady in a shop. What I didn’t realise was that the doors were automatic. I ended up standing there awkwardly for a good 5 seconds, holding onto thin air, while she just smiled and walked by. A bloke behind me said, “The doors don’t need your help, mate.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 136

You deserved it 378

So frustrating!

By Anonymous - 17/09/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, I caught my husband masturbating to porn. I screamed at him and demanded to know why he was masturbating when he has a wife to have sex with. He said, "Because you always reject me?" I was about to yell back when I realized he was right. I'm a terrible wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 894

No refunds

By Anonymous - 18/09/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, after my 4 year-old was so excited to be a big sister, hugging my belly every chance she got, counting down the days till the due date, my son was born this morning. She took one look at him and declared, “I don’t like him, leave him here, do we have to keep him?” then started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 502

You deserved it 132

Thought crime

By Son of a BITCH - 21/09/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, while babysitting a 9-year-old boy, I stubbed my toe on a coffee table. I yelled, "SON OF A…" but managed to stop myself before saying the last part. The boy yelled, "You were gonna say bitch! I'm telling mom and dad!" and, despite my desperate attempts to dissuade him, he did just that. Guess who's fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 475

You deserved it 89

Morale booster

By Keith from Mars - 05/10/2024 00:00 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I was trying to give a motivational speech to my team at work, because morale has been low. Halfway through, I blanked and ended up just saying gibberish and stuff like, "We’ll just fake it until we… you know… whatever happens. You know?" Not exactly inspiring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97

You deserved it 426

Panic mode activated

By Man in car - 11/10/2024 12:00 - United States

Today, I got pulled over by a cop car. As I was fumbling for my license and registration, I handed the officer a half-empty bag of Doritos I’d forgotten was in my glove box. He thought I was trying to bribe him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 176

You deserved it 295

Not sure what's going on here, but…

By Anonymous - 22/10/2024 12:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'm 58 years-old, and the 40 year-old woman I'm sleeping with is so tight that she "spits me out" every time she has an orgasm. I have to work it back in at least 5 times every time we get together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 121

You deserved it 297

Thanks, I guess…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend and best friend decided to "help" by assembling my new front porch while I was away. Ecstatic, they displayed their handiwork. It's charming how the porch is precariously balanced, it leans in such a way that it appears it will fall over if you walk through the front door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 747

You deserved it 3 563

Stain influencer

By Anonymous - 11/11/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I tried to take a cool selfie with my coffee mug for Instagram. As I posed, I didn’t realize the mug was tilted, and I poured hot coffee all over myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64

You deserved it 645

It's PC gone mad

By Anonymous - 03/12/2023 13:00

Today, I received a written warning at work for being "unacceptably rude" to an official visitor. I guess fetching the fire hose because the building was actively on fire wasn’t a valid excuse for yelling at the dozy cow stood blocking the door to “move out the fucking way.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 149

The secret

By Anonymous - 20/12/2023 15:00 - United States

Today, my husband of 35 years told me he had an affair with his secretary in 1995, when I was home with 3 preschoolers. At the time, the phone system required that the secretary pick up, so I was saying hello to her like a fool. I had no idea at the time. He would just come home and tell me how hard his job was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 189

Hungover

By RedheadA - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my husband and I woke up to see my drunk mother passed out on our couch. She was wearing nothing but socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 652

You deserved it 3 696

Listen up during Sex Ed

By PregoPattie - 08/02/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, I found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant. I’m a senior in high school. I’m not sure who the father is since I was in a situationship with one guy after my ex, and I broke it off last Halloween. My parents strictly forbade me from dating until I was in college, so I don’t know how to tell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 271

You deserved it 935

Skittish

By bronzemedal97 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was leaning under a counter to get my girlfriend her favorite snack food out of a low cabinet when she decided it would be funny to poke me while I was in an awkward position. I jerked up, rammed my head on the bottom of the counter, and ended up at the ER with staples in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 073

You deserved it 3 310

Alone time

By Anonymous - 27/02/2024 14:00 - United States - Buford

Today, I finally got some alone time today with the boyfriend (we have kids, so this is rare) and we were going heavily at it when his mother decided to drop in and wouldn’t stop knocking on the front door. Worst timing ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 128

The Crazy World of Arthur Brown

By Anonymous - 08/03/2024 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, our new chef managed to start a grease fire. We couldn’t put it out because he managed to splash the flaming grease onto the fire extinguisher. Yes, we couldn’t put out a fire because our fire extinguisher was on fire. The fire department guys just laughed and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 544

You deserved it 102

And they say romance is dead…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 441

You deserved it 2 940

These aren't moans of pleasure

By Anonymous - 12/04/2024 21:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I hooked up with a guy I know from the gym. This dude is built like The Hulk, over 6 feet tall and almost 24 stone. We were really getting into it when he slipped and his whole weight went onto my knee, which bent completely the wrong way and dislocated everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 623

You deserved it 133

Splatter analysis

By Anonymous - 14/04/2024 08:00 - United States - Pataskala

Today, after I wore a pad last night, I woke up this morning, took off my underwear to use the bathroom, and a huge period glob flew hit the rug and splattered everywhere. The globs got on every piece if clothing I wore. I then had to clean what looked like a crime scene. FML

I agree, your life sucks 529

You deserved it 128

Gotta have it

By kp. - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I found ants all over my chocolate, but I'm so addicted that I just wiped them off and ate it anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 992

You deserved it 59 177

Thoughts?

By Anonymous - 19/05/2024 00:00 - France - Paris

Today, my boyfriend doesn’t like to go out, like at all. I went on a cruise earlier this year and met this guy from my school; we danced together, we talked all night long, and it was amazing. It's been nine months since, and I still haven’t got over it. I'm now questioning my entire 3-year relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 313

Outta control

By brother - 21/05/2024 21:00 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had to have a serious talk with my little sister about trying to hook up with my friends. Married or not. She just turned 18 but I’m hoping this was the first and last time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 82

Get up!

By Anonymous - 26/05/2024 23:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and I went to pee at 2 a.m., with the light off to avoid waking my husband. The wanker had left the seat up, so I fell right into the bowl and got stuck with my cheeks in the water because my belly wouldn’t let me get up. My useless sleeping husband couldn’t hear me yell for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 607

You deserved it 288

Dream on

By No more monkeys! - 28/05/2024 07:00 - United States - Riverside

Today, my husband’s dream has always been to have a big family. I however cannot physically or mentally handle having any more. He’s now threatening to hire a surrogate to continue pumping out babies for him. We already have 8. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 127

Office politics

By Anonymous - 03/06/2024 23:00

Today, I was turned down for a promotion because of complaints on my file. I’d never heard of them, so I demanded to see them. Every complaint was filed in the last six months and signed by either him or the other manager who doesn’t like me. Guess who got promoted instead? His “secret” side chick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 75

Real Housewives coded

By Anonymous - 14/07/2024 03:30 - India

Today, just because my mum's friend's son got better grades than me, she's now treating me like shit. You know what lady? His mom is way better than you too! She didn't attempt to kill her child half a dozen times, and you don't see me complaining about it all day long. FML

I agree, your life sucks 506

You deserved it 108

What is wrong with you?

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 05:00

Today, our dog is a racist. No other way to say it. We’ve had her since she was born, raised her just like our other dogs, but every time we try to take her for a walk, if she spots a black person, any black person, she barks at them, and once almost bit someone. We don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 442

You deserved it 160

Sick of it

By Anonymous - 31/07/2024 13:00

Today, my entire workforce downed tools today until I fire our new Human Resources rep, who in only a few weeks has made the workplace miserable and frustrating, and has increased sick leave by 48% due to the 'Can’t Deal With Her Bullshit' Virus. I can’t fire her; she’s the owner's mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 520

You deserved it 105

Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work My ex Jealousy Health Accident ADHD Medication Weather Snow Miscellaneous Embarrassing Awkward Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts

The Top

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 434

You deserved it 46 509

Today, my husband threw a bitch-fit and made passive aggressive remarks throughout the entire day. What did I do? Call him out on commenting an eggplant, peach, and winky face emoji under a female friend’s picture. He deactivated all social media accounts and shouted, “Are you happy now? I can’t talk to anyone now!” FML

I agree, your life sucks 568

You deserved it 97

The Top

Today, I found out I was dead. Yes, you read it right! Apparently, the pickpocket who stole my wallet two days ago was murdered and since his face was quite unrecognizable, they "identified" him with my ID from my wallet. My mom, who heard this on the news, got hysterical and started trashing my room in "grief." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 263

You deserved it 88

Today, I was hanging with my friends when out of the blue, I got thirsty. Friends said there was Gatorade in the fridge. Being the trusting person I am, I took a drink, only to discover it was piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 512

You deserved it 309

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 977

You deserved it 912

Today, my family and I finished moving to Texas. As if that isn't bad enough, I'll have to introduce myself all over again to everyone I meet and explain that yes, my parents really did name me Lilypad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 568

You deserved it 4 346

Today, my husband and I visited a new bar in our city. It turned out to be a swingers sex club. He asked if we could stay and try it out, even though we were easily the oldest people there by about 30 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 831

You deserved it 176

Today, someone misread some details of my dating profile on an app and thought I was subtly indicating that I'm a prostitute. In fact, I'm a shy 33-year-old virgin who's never been kissed and has obviously been failing at using dating apps and websites for years. I guess now I know one thing I did wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 916

You deserved it 253