All the FMLs

By mee - 02/01/2016 08:25 - United States - Opelousas

Today, I visited my boyfriend's uncle's house for a party. His 8 year-old cousin started asking if I like penis, so my reaction was to laugh, spitting my drink on her and her new dress. She can't pronounce peanuts, and I can't visit anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 402

You deserved it 3 821

By Anonymous - 02/01/2016 07:04 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was driving a little over the speed limit, when I saw a cop car waiting to join the road ahead of me. I quickly hit the brakes so they wouldn't have a payday with me. I hit the brakes too hard, lost control and almost ended up on someone's lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 553

You deserved it 25 230

By Anonymous - 02/01/2016 05:17 - United States - Norristown

Today, I have a stomach bug. I went to go downstairs, and my cat decided to dart between my legs, causing me to trip and fall down the stairs in a pinwheel of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 108

You deserved it 1 787

By Anonymous - 02/01/2016 03:46 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, I sneezed incredibly hard while eating a granola bar. 5 hours later, it's still hellishly painful to swallow. Please kill me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 152

You deserved it 1 849

By Anonymous - 02/01/2016 02:07 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, after much reflection, I realized my "happy childhood" was more like "the years I was oblivious to how much people despised me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 642

You deserved it 2 109

By Puff301 - 01/01/2016 23:25 - Australia - Tuggerah

Today, while on a flight, I was walking back to my seat after going to the bathroom, when someone stuck their leg out, causing me to trip and fall flat on my face. All the guy could say was, "There's a thing called glasses. Fucking use them!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 543

You deserved it 1 586

Puff301 tells us more.

Puff301 18

Sunday 3 January 2016 1:54

Hey guys, OP here. It was an overnight flight so they had the lights off, but I could still see the outline of objects and he definitely moved right before he tripped me. And my eyesight is fine. I just can't believe this got posted

By no love - 01/01/2016 22:41 - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 392

You deserved it 3 338

By ardea_alba - 01/01/2016 20:27 - Russian Federation - Yekaterinburg

Today, I was talking to myself in the bathroom to remind myself of what chores I need to do. My husband overheard me and is now convinced that I was on the phone with someone. No amount of proof, logic or reasoning can convince him that I'm not cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 882

You deserved it 2 295

ardea_alba tells us more.

ardea_alba 8

Sunday 3 January 2016 19:11

OP here: I'm a work-from-home mom and devoted wife :) We share bank accounts, mails, FB profiles (yes, we're one of those couples) and anything else you could think of...He knows how my phone works and what features it has better than myself, so to sum up - no, there is absolutely no reason he would think that except the fact that I am the first relationship he hasn't cheated in, so I guess it's true what they say - 'you assume for others what you're capable of yourself' :) cheers to all,

By Mewsmash - 01/01/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 276

You deserved it 1 556

Customers from hell

By fucking fuck off - 01/01/2016 14:28 - United States

Today, a customer gave me hell because a high-spec game he bought wouldn't run on his ancient Windows XP PC. I ended up having to profusely apologize and refund him. Whoever coined the phrase "the customer is always right" should probably be shot, run over by a bus, then shot a few more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 265

You deserved it 2 028

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 11:37 - Australia

Today, I went on a date at the park. Have you ever felt dozens of ants swarming up your legs and back? I have now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 085

You deserved it 1 721

Weird reason

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 10:33 - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend furiously bitched me out because I got more upset about my phone screen cracking than when she told me about the death of her cat. We hadn't even met when her cat died. Did she expect me to burst into tears from hearing the story? Guess who's single again… FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 146

You deserved it 3 451

Life and soul of the party

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 10:08 - United States - San Antonio

Today, during a party, my drunk mother stumbled over to take a picture of me and my brother. She told me to put a party blower in my mouth for the picture, but I politely declined. She threatened to spank me in front of everyone if I didn't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 629

You deserved it 2 288

Law and order

By Anonymous - 01/01/2016 07:03 - United States - Reno

Today, at the age of 20, I still have a bed time. It is strictly enforced by my cat via endless meows if I am up past 11 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 035

You deserved it 4 620

By sad as shit - 01/01/2016 00:41 - United States - Conway

Today, my life finally seemed to be getting on track after recovering from major depression, paying off most of my debt, and scoring an amazing job. And then I woke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 722

You deserved it 2 170

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 21:26 - New Zealand

Today, I found out how it feels to have a car door slammed shut on my hand, breaking two of my fingers. Hint: it's fucking painful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 166

You deserved it 2 038

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:55 - United States

Today, I overheard my mother-in-law and sister-in-law over the baby monitor. They were talking about how much better off my daughter would be if I were to die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 131

You deserved it 1 620

By Anonymous - 31/12/2015 18:15 - United States - Hyde Park

Today, I woke up to the sound of my psycho ex trying to break down my apartment door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 738

You deserved it 1 655

By ScaredOfClowns - 31/12/2015 16:40 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my girlfriend let me stay over at her house for the first time. I went into her room only to find out she's obsessed with the Joker and has a bunch of posters and toys of him. I am deathly afraid of clowns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 252

You deserved it 3 758

ScaredOfClowns tells us more.

ScaredOfClowns 11

Friday 1 January 2016 21:55

(I didn't know how to get it to comment as the OP...) For those of you who are asking how I didn't know, she had never brought it up in conversation. We only recently started dating and she hadn't mentioned it at all. She knew that I was afraid of clowns and admitted later on that she thought I was kidding. I guess it could be worse, when I made an excuse to leave and we talked about it later, she suggest we stay at my place instead.

By DesperateToBeDad - 31/12/2015 11:57 - United Kingdom - Gravenhurst

Today, after trying unsuccessfully for three or so years to have a baby with my wife, my broodiness has gotten so bad that when I saw a couple with their daughter at the bus stop, I briefly had a daydream where I shot them in the head and took their daughter home to raise as my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 024

You deserved it 4 965

DesperateToBeDad tells us more.

DesperateToBeDad 7

Sunday 3 January 2016 2:00

OP here. Wow, wasn't expecting so many comments! I feel I should probably clarify a few things here: First of all, I have a very vivid imagination and tend to have involuntary daydreams where various scenarios to a situation play out. This was one such case, and doesn't mean I'm violent or am actually contemplating shooting people or anything like that, my mind just rollercoasters through various things happening and I'm just sort of along for the ride. I found this one amusing enough to post on FML. My wife and I are currently looking into fertility tests to find out exactly what the problem is, and will of course consider adoption/fostering if it turns out that natural conception isn't on the cards. Don't worry, I'm not going to abduct anyone's kids or go on a murder spree. :P

By DriveNowhere - 31/12/2015 11:50 - Australia

Today, I drove my friends two hours to see a tourist attraction I had been talking up for months. It burnt to the ground last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 751

You deserved it 2 328