Health

The cycle begins

By seriously? - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Pickerington

Today, I was trying to explain to my mom that I've been having panic attacks. I ended up having a panic attack from talking about having a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 134

You deserved it 5 000

I was right all along

By 3peeps - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I came to the conclusion that I was right about thinking how much it would hurt to hit your head on a door-frame, stub your toe on a stone table leg, and then trip over your cat, who won't take it well and will probably claw your recently stubbed toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 813

You deserved it 4 059

You or the both of you?

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 17:02 - United States

Today, I celebrated my friend's 5-month sobriety milestone with her by getting absolutely wasted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 120

You deserved it 1 220

Very much "hands off" parents

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 08:00

Today, my son had an excessive nosebleed, like I did when I was little. I called my parents to ask what the name of the surgery was that I had to stop the bleeding. They don’t know because they don’t remember me needing surgery for that, OR when I had my tonsils and adenoids removed. They remember my brother’s though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 109

What were the odds?

By Anonymous - 02/10/2023 23:02 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell off my truck and landed on one of the stakes my wife uses to keep her plants upright. I landed on it so perfectly that it went through my shorts and perfectly straight up my asshole for a good 4 inches before it snapped. My wife helpfully removed it, but I still spent a night in hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 664

You deserved it 136

It's called getting old

By Anonymous - 02/10/2023 22:00 - Germany

Today, like most days recently, and even after 10 hours of sleep, I need at least 3 cups of coffee per day in order be able to… sit on the sofa and, well, not fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 552

You deserved it 198

Snowflake

By Anonymous - 02/10/2023 00:02

Today, my neighbour reported me for touching his wife’s vagina while she was asleep. She wasn’t asleep, she'd passed out giving birth and I had to help get the baby out because the ambulance was late, and her husband was busy vomiting from how slimy and smelly it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 101

Self improvement

By little tooth - This FML is from back in 2008 but it's good stuff - France

Today, my wisdom teeth decided to come in. I didn't know that being wise could hurt so much. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 325

You deserved it 9 435

Snap, crackle, and pop

By Anonymous - 30/09/2023 22:00

Today, I woke up from my wisdom tooth surgery… while they were still sawing my jaw. I had such a bad panic response that they also cut my lip, so I have stitches inside and outside of my mouth, as well as the haunting crackle of bone being removed from my skull stuck in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 111

Meanwhile…

By Yudith - 30/09/2023 09:30 - Canada

Today, after three months of wait, I expected to have a diagnosis and treatment plan from my doctor. Instead, I got an appointment with a surgeon "just to be sure", and an appointment with a GP to get referrals to two other doctors for more appointments. Meanwhile, my health gets worse and worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 747

You deserved it 105

You got slimed

By alyssa ig idk - 30/09/2023 00:00 - United States - Allen Park

Today, I wasted 20 minutes trying to open a container of slime, only for rotten green liquid and weird brownish yellow goo to spray spanning 5 feet in all directions from me and my bed. I nearly threw up and now am getting a wet, sleepless night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 191

You deserved it 649

Pranks should be outlawed

By hannah - 30/09/2023 04:00

Today, someone held me down and rubbed ChapStick all over my lips. I have a condition which requires medicinal balm, otherwise my lips crack and bleed, and ChapStick makes it worse. I’m still waiting on the balm to arrive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 791

You deserved it 98

Drunk with power

By Anonymous - 29/09/2023 22:00

Today, I was detained by a stubborn cop who swore he saw me sprinting away after shoplifting. I’m missing part of my right foot, and walk with a cane and a limp, I haven’t sprinted anyplace in 12 years. Not even showing him my foot convinced him. I was sat in his car over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 057

You deserved it 94

White out

By pussy - 29/09/2023 16:00

Today, I was told to "stop being such a little pussy." Why? Because my body chose to pass out from the heat. I didn’t complain even once, but I drank plenty of water and still passed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 746

You deserved it 105

But… why would you do that?

By cheerupsookylala - 29/09/2023 14:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I drank water from a random, half-full water bottle I found inside a bumper car (AKA dodgems) at the local fairground, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 128

You deserved it 886

Desperate measures

By dying - 29/09/2023 00:02

Today, after four days without sleep, I took an entire bottle of melatonin gummies. Nothing happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 597

You deserved it 192

One day this will all be yours

By diapermommy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my 5-year-old daughter saw a pad commercial. She asked me what they were, but I didn't think she was old enough to hear it. I just told her that they're like diapers for mommies. Now she won't stop telling people that mommy wears diapers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 162

You deserved it 47 181

Classic

By thirsty artist - 28/09/2023 08:00

Today, I was working on a painting and went to take a sip of my tea. Instead, I took a swig of paint water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 613

You deserved it 242

Faulty logic

By hhhhhhhh - 28/09/2023 06:00

Today, my daughter thinks the way to save money is to stop taking her antidepressants, because they give her “uncontrollable” food cravings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 606

You deserved it 110

Love in the time of Covid

By moving out now - 27/09/2023 14:00

Today, my germophobic girlfriend has tested positive for Covid, and is utterly convinced she's going to die. She's been crying in the bed for the last five hours, talking about how much she regrets her choices, and how she never should have spent her last year with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 945

You deserved it 119

Piss off, basically

By lonelyandcold - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, after coming home from surgery, I discovered that the heating in my entire building had failed. I called my mom asking if I could come and stay with her for a few days. She told me to "think warm thoughts." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 195

You deserved it 1 930

Malding

By fml - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I noticed the results of my hair growth vitamins. It's been a month since my bad haircut, and I've seen some definite growth… Everywhere except my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 237

You deserved it 423

Gaslighting 101

By Anon - 25/09/2023 20:00 - United States

Today, I volunteered to be a "mentally stable" person in a psychology experiment at my university. Little did I know, they'd paired me with a psychology grad student who asked me a series of increasingly bizarre and personal questions about my life. I ended up questioning my own sanity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 659

You deserved it 151

Snap!

By Anonymous - 25/09/2023 17:30 - Australia

Today, I took a nap in my hammock in the backyard. Just as I was dozing off, I heard a loud snap, and the next thing I knew, I was lying on the ground surrounded by broken ropes and a hammock that'd turned into a cocoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 604

You deserved it 105

Bounce off

By clumsy girl - 25/09/2023 12:30 - United States - Austin

Today, I embraced my inner child and went to a trampoline park with friends. I was having a blast until I attempted a somersault and ended up bouncing right into a group of screaming toddlers. I was escorted out by a concerned parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 275

You deserved it 745

Concerned parent

By trying - 24/09/2023 22:30 - United States

Today, I tried to nicely talk to my daughter about her rapid weight gain. Having a family history of weight-related illness, I felt it was necessary. I offered to get thyroid tests, teach her to buy healthy food, and start routine exercise. She told everyone I called her a cow and had fat-shamed her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 202

Number one or number two?

By Anonymous - 25/09/2023 13:00 - Australia

Today, I found out that the myth about what happens when you dream you're going to the toilet is not entirely untrue. At least for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 83

Boundaries

By Anonymous - 24/09/2023 16:00

Today, as I'm 7 months pregnant and craving sweets, I helped myself to my MIL's birthday cake a little early. The family got so angry, they actually made me leave the party. My husband agreed with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146

You deserved it 2 595

Not-so-biker chick

By Kris - 24/09/2023 10:00 - Canada

Today, I thought it was about time to learn to ride a bike as an adult. I wobbled down the street, lost my balance, and crashed into a parked ice cream truck. The owner yelled at me, and I was left with a bruised ego and no ice cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 580

You deserved it 205

By c.hip - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I picked off what I thought was a small bug feeding on my skin. I was wrong. It was a mole. I spent the next 30 minutes trying to stop the continuous bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 208

You deserved it 11 034

Keywords

Gifts Christmas Money Lonely Relatable Health Awkward Family Miscellaneous Social Media Technology Narcissistic parents Holidays Love Drunk Poopoo peepee Annoying Animals Dogs Work My ex Religion Shopping AITA Am I overreacting? Intimacy Break-ups Cheating Furniture Delivery

The Top

Today, I learned the meaning behind the phrase, "Love you long time". It's from the movie Full Metal Jacket, when a hooker comes in and says, "Me so horny, me love you long time." I've been saying this to my parents and people at school, having no idea what it really means for over 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 786

You deserved it 22 719

Today, I asked my Swedish friend for some lines to impress this Swedish girl I'd met at an expat party he took me to. I practised them all evening before I met her. I told her my feelings, and she scowled. Apparently I had wished the devil upon her - after asking if I could ejaculate on her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 092

You deserved it 22 859

The Top

Today, I asked my fiancé's daughter to use her phone so I could call mine which I'd misplaced. Busy with homework, she nodded. Only after she jumped up did I notice that she had my number listed with a humiliating nickname, and accompanied by a photo of her middle finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 963

You deserved it 5 526

Today, it was my first day at my new high school. I put on a tiny bit of makeup, just some mascara, to feel more confident. I got in the car and my mom started yelling about how horrible my makeup is, basically calls me a slut for wearing it, and makes me take it off. I ended up crying in the bathroom on my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 147

You deserved it 155

Today, after leaving a store I got stuck at a red light. A car pulled up next to me and there was a half retarded man jerking his junk at me. Nasty image burned into my corneas forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 193

You deserved it 3 881

Today, at around 11 p.m., the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 286

You deserved it 1 624

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 582

You deserved it 6 122

Today, I recorded a 20-minute TED talk and told my students to watch it on the app in preparation for next terms projects. I got bombarded with messages from my students, telling me that because I was sat down on a chair while recording, certain camera angles could see straight up my skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 912

You deserved it 671