Intimacy

By brokedick - 12/12/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, after 5 years of no intimate, sexual contact with a woman, I finally got my chance. Unfortunately, I also discovered that I have full-on erectile dysfunction. I'm 23 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 389

You deserved it 4 089

By Anonymous - 11/12/2011 11:54 - Australia

Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. Afterwards, he laid on the bed, silent and naked in the fetal position, I had to sit there stroking his head for an hour. I think I raped my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 281

You deserved it 8 649

By Joe - 11/12/2011 01:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom, braiding my dad's pubic hair. I don't know what scarred me more; my mom braiding his pubic hair or the fact that his pubic hair is long enough to be braided. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 474

You deserved it 4 174

Testing the waters

By Anonymousss95 - 10/12/2011 12:03 - Sweden

Today, I lost my virginity. Afterwards, he told me that he was only doing this because he wanted to know if he still truly loves his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 710

You deserved it 13 393

This Alpha male shit has gone toor far

By HBC - 10/12/2011 07:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend insisted that the dog stay in our bedroom while we had sex. He said it would prove his dominance, and "show the dog who's boss." My boyfriend needs to prove his self-worth to an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 539

You deserved it 5 156

By Anonymous - 10/12/2011 03:41 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I've gained weight. He replied, "Why do you think I've been so often on top lately?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 872

You deserved it 8 986

Scarred for life

By Aly - 09/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 171

You deserved it 5 836

By anonymous - 08/12/2011 10:37 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. As soon as I began to climax, he started repeatedly asking, "Are you done? Are you done yet? Are you done?" Well, NOW I am. Thanks, honey. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 151

You deserved it 4 291

By journey_Jeanne - 08/12/2011 02:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 037

You deserved it 5 159

By Anonymous - 07/12/2011 17:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting frisky. He pulled off my panties and was about to go down on me when he said, "Wait, what's this white thing?" It was a piece of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 881

You deserved it 20 679

By Surprisebuttsecks? - 07/12/2011 04:39 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend shoved a Q-tip up my ass while I was brushing my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 305

You deserved it 7 403

By ThisIsGonnaBeAwkward - 06/12/2011 15:36 - United States

Today, I discovered that the word 'randy' means 'horny' in England. I'm going to England next semester to study abroad. My name is Randy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 584

You deserved it 5 290

By Anonymous - 06/12/2011 06:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found that when a hot girl asks you whether you have a girlfriend, saying, "I got 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" is not the best way to proceed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 061

You deserved it 76 088

Nice guy

By LucklessNiceGuy - 05/12/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 653

You deserved it 45 235

Sorry to disappoint you, but…

By Anonymous - 05/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 227

You deserved it 12 450

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 968

You deserved it 18 670

By wowthatwould - 04/12/2011 21:39 - United States

Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 407

You deserved it 46 705

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 13:01 - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 136

You deserved it 11 222

Equality

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 07:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was disgusted because I dropped a Skittle on the floor and ate it. He thought peeing on me in the shower was just fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 228

You deserved it 6 354

By Anonymous - 04/12/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I played Taboo with my boyfriend and my conservative family. It was my boyfriend's turn and his word was "cherry". His only clue to me was, "I popped your..." He was the only one who found it funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 424

You deserved it 5 837

Inappropriate

By aninnocentonlooker - 04/12/2011 05:35 - United States

Today, I was driving my drunk best friend and his "new friend" back to his house. Halfway, this new friend started to give him head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 508

You deserved it 3 910

Sounds nice

By sugarbeet - 04/12/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 217

You deserved it 3 954

By djkimmaz - 03/12/2011 11:23 - United Kingdom

Today, my mom, who is relatively new to Facebook, posted on her friend's wall, telling her about her recent diagnosis of vaginal thrush. She assumed that her wall post was private. Six of my friends liked the post. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 754

You deserved it 3 377

Romance me please

By trembelwick - 03/12/2011 10:04 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend refered to her vagina as a meat wallet, and to my penis as small change. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 792

You deserved it 6 069

By Jess49 - 03/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 415

You deserved it 4 838

By pops up - 01/12/2011 22:25 - United States

Today, I sat on Santa's lap. He got an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 369

You deserved it 10 646

By sometingwong - 01/12/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 392

You deserved it 3 450

By Anonymous - 01/12/2011 03:11 - United States

Today, I was casually shopping at Walmart. Everything was normal until the young guy browsing the aisle next to me suddenly approached me and whispered "sperm" into my ear. My spine has never experienced a chill like this one before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 361

You deserved it 4 398

By mee - 30/11/2011 06:43 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try something new. I ended up tied to the bed, and my girlfriend discovered how ticklish I am. Worst 3 hours of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 100

You deserved it 8 832

By bgoodwin07 - 29/11/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, I found out my dad has been sending dirty text messages to my mom. Which wouldn't be a problem except they're divorced and my dad is remarried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 007

You deserved it 2 878

Keywords

Miscellaneous Insects Gross Cute Neighbours Kids Love Proposal Awkward Health Amazon Relatable Hair Delivery Scary Allergies Animals Dogs Babysitter Skincare Emergency Doctor Hospital Vacation Engagement ring AITA Social Media Facebook Money Scams

The Top

Today, I told my long-distance partner that I wanted to take them on a date to the aquarium next time they're in town. They said, "That would be my first date ever!" When I asked about when we went to the zoo and dinner last week, they said it was, "the closest thing to a date" they'd had. Apparently, we're actually just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 254

Today, I finally felt ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. It all went great, until I tried putting the condom on him. In the process, I managed to nick his penis not once, but three times with my nails. His eyes brimmed with tears and he completely lost his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 138

You deserved it 28 441

The Top

Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 015

You deserved it 5 291

Today, I tried to impress my boss with my knowledge of a subject and ended up sounding like a complete idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 226

You deserved it 1 090

Today, I have my new iPod Touch, and I'm walking down the street. Since it's really cold, I'm wearing gloves. At some point, I want to change the song, and don't want to remove my gloves. I try changing the song with my nose, for about 3 minutes, until I realize I look really stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 243

You deserved it 37 538

Today, a little girl I give horse-riding lessons to told me she had saved up $8.00 for her own pony. I laughed and thought how cute she was, then realized that was more than I have in my own savings account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 285

You deserved it 12 710

Today, I started my first day at a new hospital. My first assignment? Shave an elderly man's testicles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 114

You deserved it 5 672

Today, I turned 30 years-old. My dad, the only living relative I have, gave me a call. Not to wish me a happy birthday, but to tell me about "a hot piece of ass" he nailed at the senior center last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 712

You deserved it 3 057