Kids

Polite

By bleue - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - France - Montberon

Today, in a crowded doctor's waiting room, my two-year-old daughter let rip a loud fart. I asked her, "What do we say?" She replied, "IT'S ME!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 459

You deserved it 4 917

The thrill of it

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right; she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 285

You deserved it 2 903

Lookin' good

By MaL - 07/08/2023 20:00

Today, my little brother compared my new haircut to the one Hermione has in the first Harry Potter movie. I assumed this was a compliment, until my sister said, "Hermione's haircut is really cute" and he replied, "Seriously? She looks like shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 162

This charming man

By prince-charming - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Kuwait

Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of, "Nooooo!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 234

You deserved it 4 056

Never try this at home

By Anonymous - 06/08/2023 13:00 - United States - Grass Valley

Today, a bunch of cops showed up at my house demanding to see my wife to make sure she was OK. Turns out my insane out-of-state daughter swatted me, calling 911 to tell them I had tied up my wife, and been impersonating her for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 035

You deserved it 134

Cough up, daddy

By Anonymous - 05/08/2023 10:00

Today, my son told me he and his ex deliberately got pregnant, despite being broken up, because she wanted a baby, he wanted sex, and she promised she wouldn’t ask him for child support. She must have had her fingers crossed because his court date is next week. Moron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 262

Tachycardia

By Anonymous - 05/08/2023 04:00

Today, after a three day hospitalization, four weeks of a new heart med, no alcohol and no caffeine, my heart rhythm was finally back on track. That is until some a-hole teens decided that banging loudly on my door and running away was hilarious. Oh well, back to square one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 98

Kick him out

By Hot hot hot - 04/08/2023 22:00

Today, my two children and I are spending the night in our SUV until God knows when, all because we walked in on a young lady bouncing up and down on their father on our bed. Did I mention our SUV’s A/C doesn’t work? It’s 90 degrees outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 679

You deserved it 155

Misty and Captain

By i hate you bluey! - 04/08/2023 14:00

Today, thanks to that stupid ass blue dog, our kids haven’t stopped hounding me about when their dad and I are getting married. They’re too young to understand, so I try to gently change the subject. That worked for about 5 minutes before they were right back to asking. Holy uncomfortable subject Batman! FML

I agree, your life sucks 244

You deserved it 728

First amendment issue

By God please make it stop - 03/08/2023 22:00

Today, my four year-old son has reached the phase where yelling random words is funny. I can't go five minutes without hearing, "CHICKEN NUGGET!" or "KALAMAZOO!" or "STINKY SOCKS!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 547

You deserved it 270

Good news!

By Anonymous - 03/08/2023 08:00

Today, I told my family I’m pregnant again. My boyfriend is now sat outside, crying and getting drunk. My oldest son is looking at apartments for rent because he doesn’t want to be around screaming babies again, and my younger two are crying because they don’t want another sibling either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 357

You deserved it 1 730

Mix up

By Anonymous - 01/08/2023 06:00

Today, my husband presented me with a DNA test proving that our newborn daughter isn't his. Confused, I got her tested again. She's not a match to me either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 437

You deserved it 113

Let me out of this mess

By Anonymous - 31/07/2023 22:00

Today, I realized I have helicopter parents. They monitor my phone and don't let me have social media or get apps without their permission, give me a screen time limit, and snoop through my texts whenever they want. Then they expect me to trust them. I feel like my house is a prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 856

You deserved it 361

Secret life

By Anonymous - 28/07/2023 06:00

Today, my dad has dementia and has been getting my name wrong with increasing frequency. During one of his lucid moments, he ended up admitting those wrong names are actually of his other 7 kids, my half siblings to various women, 5 in this country and 2 in Europe, but I’m not to tell my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 922

You deserved it 96

Teenage kicks are hard to beat

By oh my sweet summer child - 26/07/2023 10:00

Today, I’m not sure how to explain to my naive daughter that her new boyfriend is playing her. She insists that he’s just shy and that’s the reason he demands that no one knows about them, and pretends not to know her when other people are around. She thinks them having a secret is “romantic”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 153

Home invasion

By Anonymous - 26/07/2023 00:02

Today, I found my neighbours bratty kid in my house, eating my snacks, dirtying my sofa, and drawing on pages torn from my books. I marched him back home by the ear, him screaming I was a meanie, and his mother's only excuse was, “Boys will be boys.” No apology or anything. I HATE KIDS. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 194

You deserved it 146

Time for a conversation

By Anonymous - 25/07/2023 15:00

Today, after spending a great day with my nieces, I turned to my husband to ask him if maybe we should start trying to get pregnant like we both agreed we wanted to multiple times. Before the words even left my mouth he said, “God they were exhausting, thank God were not having kids.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 821

You deserved it 247

That would be correct

By Anonymous - 23/07/2023 00:02

Today, my dad is infuriating by increasingly asking me to do things around the house, but because he doesn’t like how I do them he yells at me and then does it himself. It’s almost like he cares more about inventing excuses to yell at me than he does to actually get things done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 160

Apex predator

By Ihatestraycats - 22/07/2023 12:00

Today, after we finished making my 6 year-old daughter a net to catch an injured baby bird, when she went out to catch it she witnessed a stray cat catch and eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 159

Behind closed doors

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Mansfield

Today, my wife brought my 5-year-old daughter to visit me at the office. My boss has a speech impediment, and when she heard it, she exclaimed, "Hey my daddy can sound just like you! Show him daddy! Show him!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 218

You deserved it 45 154

Con man

By 4lphab3t4 - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 487

You deserved it 663

Above the law

By Anonymous - 19/07/2023 06:00

Today, our wedding was ruined. My fiancée detests children due to traumatic childhood abuse, so our wedding was adults only. Two families showed up with children known to always misbehave. The stress pushed my fiancée into a minor heart attack, she’s now in hospital and the wedding didn’t happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 362

You deserved it 173

Pissed

By mommy2004 - 18/07/2023 03:00

Today, my nineteen year-old boyfriend dumped me and kicked me out of his place where I was staying. All because my two year-old peed on his couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 470

You deserved it 923

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out

By Mom - 17/07/2023 15:00

Today, I told my 21 year-old son he either has to break up with his girlfriend, who fills his head with lies about me, or I'd stop speaking to him. He laughed and said he'd fine with us not speaking ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 308

You deserved it 1 463

Grilled

By Anonymous - 17/07/2023 03:00

Today, I made several beautiful steaks on the grill, then set them to rest. While I left to use the bathroom, my four year-old decided they looked yucky and poured syrup on them. My wife was too busy giggling and recording it to stop her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 198

Extreme Couponing

By DezyCoCo - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Penfield

Today, I spent two hours organizing all of my coupons, just to leave out my room for ten seconds to come back to my two-year-old crumbling them up and ripping them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 646

You deserved it 2 900

Too late

By Anonymous - 16/07/2023 03:00

Today, my husband told me he'd changed his mind and no longer wants children. We already have two kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 878

You deserved it 140

Suitor

By PleaseDontBeSerious - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my daughter brought home her new boyfriend. He has a neck tattoo, and his life's dream is to be a professional "beer pong player." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 618

You deserved it 3 654

My legacy

By ManyRegrets - 14/07/2023 21:00 - United States - Bloomsburg

Today, I found out that the one who got away just had a baby, and named it after me. My current longtime girlfriend and I already decided not to have kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 215

You deserved it 721

Tantrum

By brokedad - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was questioned by police for forcing a 12-year-old to get in my car. That 12-year-old is my daughter, who refused to get in until I agree to buy her a highly expensive purse just to become popular. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 288

You deserved it 7 581

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for being "obsessed" with my new female coworker. She gave me a piece of paper with dozens of tally marks on it. What were the tally marks keeping count of? Every time I've mentioned my coworker to my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 849

Today, after being in love with one of my best friends for ages, he took me on a date. We then went back to his place and we made love. Afterwards, he told me he wanted to show me something and led me outside. He ran back in and locked the door. It's a two hour walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 279

You deserved it 7 542

The Top

Today, in the middle of my divorce, I got paternity tests for both my sons. God must hate me. My eldest son, a criminal currently in prison who I utterly despise, is my biological son, whereas my youngest, who makes me proud every day to be his father, is not my biological son. FML

I agree, your life sucks 668

You deserved it 250

Today, while meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time, the first comment I received was, "Well, at least this one is white." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 017

You deserved it 458

Today, my mom's boss reversed into my parked car. She expects me to say that it's my fault so she doesn't have her insurance increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 462

You deserved it 757

Today, I flew across country to college. My luggage did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 702

You deserved it 3 359

Today, I found out my mother cleans the dishes with bathroom cleaning chemicals. She doesn't see anything wrong with this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 056

You deserved it 2 686

Today, I had an allergy test. Not only was I allergic to 35 out of the 40 items, they also found out that I'm allergic to the latex gloves my doctor happened to be wearing. Now my entire back is covered in a rash that will last at least another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 989

You deserved it 3 218