Intimacy: Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful...

By Hallllo - 11/05/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 303

You deserved it 9 101

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 876

You deserved it 11 718

By scatter00x - 08/02/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 094

You deserved it 7 095

By heartbroke - 03/11/2012 10:02 - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 581

You deserved it 3 485

By Jebus - 24/01/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 117

You deserved it 34 790

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 20:02

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 633

You deserved it 309

Ostentatious

By dgordo3 - 09/02/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 433

You deserved it 46 505

By depressed - 22/02/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 823

You deserved it 26 498

By Clader - 10/12/2008 03:09 - France

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 621

You deserved it 2 890

By jibberish - 22/11/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 693

You deserved it 39 006

By sister sister - 25/11/2013 17:38 - United States - Rhinebeck

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 879

You deserved it 19 343

Luckster 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:12

Sounds like another retarded Twilight fan. Find someone who doesn't dwell on the fantasy world.

Millybug 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:14

And Twilight screws over another poor guy. Ok-- I am a Twilight fan, they are wretchedly cheesy teen romance novels, but still I am a fan. On that note; Twilighters, those stupid, obsessive, moronic little fangirls who want every guy to be like Edward should be shot in the face. Sorry dude, that really blows.

Comments

wh0regasm 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:18

**** twilight such bs

elara15 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:18

Twilight: just say No to Mormon fanfiction.

clos14 0

Monday 3 August 2009 20:27

guys we should pretend to be vampires =D score! yea i had this problem from my own girlfriend....i bought her the whole series now we just read everyday and she has a crush on him.. FML

sole21000 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:18

What is this I don't even

zee209 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:19

#6, Oh don't get me wrong. I know there are some fans of the series who aren't insane...(but MOST are) I have a good friend who likes the series, but never mentions it outside because she hates all the crazy, delusional, moronic, etc fangirls.

donkeyslap 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:20

I realistically don't think Edward could exist. That's what annoys me about the books and the people that read them - people are too ignorant to realize that he's simply not a real person and guys aren't like him 24/7.

Imreallytired 0

Tuesday 26 January 2010 4:14

that's the point of reading a book to get away from real life. and stupid guys!

Jasper_fml 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:20

******* twilight.

wutupbruh 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:21

this is the opposite of an FML because, as #12 said, you were lucky enough to get away from someone who thinks a guy sneaking into a girls room and watching her sleep without her permission is love. isnt there sposed to be a thing where vampires cant get into a house if they dont have permission anyways?

leyla_fml 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:22

I feel sorry for any kid named Edward these days. I hope you're not an Edward. Either way, FYL and FH future.

krisFrAnHeehar 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:22

K, I am a major Twilight fan and yes it would be awesome if somehow Edward Cullen materialized out of my book, or Robert Pattinson showed up at my doorstep to marry me, but... I get really ******* annoyed when people get stereotypical and say all Twilight fans are like this. I live in the real world and so do my friends who like Twilight. When people say this it just proves you don't think and are a stereotypical idiot. Twilight was a good book (don't hate on a book who sold that many copies). So #1,2,6 and 7, maybe if you read more you can talk about more than the ONE book you read just so you can make fun of it. Your pathetic.

Luckster 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:23

#17, vampires don't sparkle either, nor can they survive in sunlight. Twlight broke every rule in the Vampire Handbook just so it can be its own breed in the vampire world. In the end, it just pissed REAL vampire fans off and spawned a new breed of retarded fangirls.