Intimacy: Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful...

By Hallllo - 11/05/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, after spending the night hanging out with a beautiful girl we start to walk back to my place. Halfway there she turns and says, "I wish you were a vampire" and goes back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 303

You deserved it 9 101

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 19/12/2009 05:13 - United States

Today, I met a girl at the bar. Things were going really well and we ended up going back to her place. Problem? Her husband who normally works the graveyard shift was home sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 876

You deserved it 11 718

By scatter00x - 08/02/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 094

You deserved it 7 095

By heartbroke - 03/11/2012 10:02 - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 581

You deserved it 3 485

By Jebus - 24/01/2009 16:07 - Canada

Today, I brought a girl home from the bar. After sleeping together, she drunkenly stumbles to the bathroom to wash up. On her way back, she accidentally walks into my parents' room, turns on the lights and asks where her clothes are before figuring it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 117

You deserved it 34 790

Mixed signals

By Anonymous - 13/07/2020 20:02

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 633

You deserved it 309

Ostentatious

By dgordo3 - 09/02/2009 01:01 - United States

Today, on my way home from watching a movie with a girl, I began having an erection because I thought I could kiss her goodnight. She dropped me off at home, and with my full blown erection, I walked in front of her car with the headlights on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 433

You deserved it 46 505

By depressed - 22/02/2010 07:23 - United States

Today, a girl I have been wanting for years told me she was drunk and needed me to take her home. On the way home she was very frisky and flirty, and I kept telling her to wait till we got to her place. When we finally arrived, she passed out on me and I was stuck there watching her sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 823

You deserved it 26 498

By Clader - 10/12/2008 03:09 - France

Today, it's 2:23 in the morning, and my drunken girlfriend has just rung me up from a party where she's the only girl there. She seems to be having a great time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 621

You deserved it 2 890

By jibberish - 22/11/2009 00:15 - United States

Today, I woke up after drunkenly hooking up with a girl who was really into Twilight. I felt bruises on the lower end of my neck and so I went to the mirror and checked it out. She bit me, 5 times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 693

You deserved it 39 006

By sister sister - 25/11/2013 17:38 - United States - Rhinebeck

Today, after having some drinks at the club, I went home with this awesome girl. When I woke up, I thought the house looked really familiar. It belonged to my ex's younger sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 879

You deserved it 19 343

Luckster 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:12

Sounds like another retarded Twilight fan. Find someone who doesn't dwell on the fantasy world.

Millybug 0

Monday 11 May 2009 12:14

And Twilight screws over another poor guy. Ok-- I am a Twilight fan, they are wretchedly cheesy teen romance novels, but still I am a fan. On that note; Twilighters, those stupid, obsessive, moronic little fangirls who want every guy to be like Edward should be shot in the face. Sorry dude, that really blows.

Comments

x3chibi 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:30

Wow. Good job OP, you just broke fml fans into hating each other over twilight haha. Just to be corny and proud, my bf is like edward..just the romantic side, not the stalkish, I wanna suck you side. :] edward is out there, but girls need to stop looking for him and just accept the side of the guy and appreciate what he has to offer. Maybe it's better than edward and bella's tragic romeo&juliet story. Wtf really wants a vampire? Everyone would really flee. Jeez, girls. Get over it.

westsideknight 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:35

and that's how I met your mother

twilighter_644 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:36

**** everyone who says twilight is a bad book. have u even read the series? it's amazing, I agree that some people get really obsessed and it's gone wayyyyy too far, but come on, it ain't shit.

censorshipoff 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:40

#19, the books are written in the context of a junior high student. The book sold million copies to preteen girls who are in denial about the reality of men and dating. All the stories about girls dumping guys because they aren't Edward Cullen proves it. Last I checked, vampires aren't supposed to sparkle. OP, you should have bit her neck and told her you are tempted to suck her blood and that you love watching her sleep at night.

ammali 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:41

#58 is about right, I kind of like the cute protective, possessive instinct some guys have, but not to his extent, he's downright weird. Plus if you think about it, he's technically an old old man. PEDOOOOO... Sorry she turned out to be such a weirdo. If she holds guys up to such unrealistic expectations, she'll never really be happy. Maybe she'll grow up one day.

Brinya 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:42

I'm with #4 and #72. (Also: lol, "wing nut". I haven't heard that in forever) She might've been pretty, but her head was obviously empty except for "OMG sparkly vampires WHEE!"

dancing_bear 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:42

So start stalking her, then have sex with her while she's unconscious and break all her bones in the process. It's what she wants, after all.

soiree_fml 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:43

she may have been beautiful, but trust me, you dodged a bullet with that one.

dulong 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:53

These ******* Twilight twerps don't know what a real vampire is. THEY DON'T SPARKLE.

Pointless 0

Monday 11 May 2009 15:54

Quick note: Everyone defending twilight to the point of being a "twi-tard" so far has written their comments either with huge amounts of incorrect grammar and spelling, or awkward run-on sentences. I'm sure that's a coincidence. I read all the books, thinking it might be good. It wasn't. Apparently everybody likes stalker-pedophiles who claim to be vampires, but really aren't. Yay for metrosexual sparkly men.