App
FML for mobile
Free
Open in app

Whispers

By SimpleSimon - 01/07/2009 00:14 - United Kingdom

Spicy
Today, I went to work leaving my girlfriend asleep in my bed. Later she calls me, demanding to know how long I've been cheating on her. We don't use condoms but she found several in the bin when she decided to empty it. I had to explain while my colleagues listened that I use them to masturbate. FML
I agree, your life sucks 47 350
You deserved it 19 756
Epic Easter: Chases and Chutes
From egg hunts gone wrong to unforgettable family dinners, Easter has never been so much fun! More…
Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

Next

Top comments

Deeno15 0

i don't know one man/guy that doesn't **********

82 6
dyld921 2

Couldn't you just **** into tissue papers?

80 6

Comments

24788 6

Lol, find a better place to hide the evidence.

5 3
SweetestSin 4

wouldn't it be cheaper to just jerk into a sock or tissues? does your hand have warts that you need protective masturbation condoms?

14 2
crimson_smurf 0

i still reckon not using condoms is pretty rank. fck leaking **** after sex

2 4
Books4Me 0

Obviously you haven't had too much sex- it's kind of hard to avoid.

5 0
Stupidstupidrat 0

Ah the good ol' posh wank, the point of it eludes me. Your situation i particularly bizarre as you DON'T use them for regular sex, which is a little weird. Also, doesn't 'safe' in the phrase safe sex refer more to STI/STDs than conception? As in you can have unsafe sex while the woman is on the pill as, without a condom, they are still susceptible to infections/diseases then other may have.

9 0
Lullibug 0

Interesting that you think you are going to get some sort of disease from YOURSELF..........

2 8
cms70 0

I have never heard of a guy using a condom to **********, wtf. Sounds to me like his "masturbation" excuse is nothing but a lie to cover up the fact that he HAS been cheating!

7 15
crazy_cat_lady24 0

It's not that strange to ********** with a condom, more guys do it, but you should have told her. I told my boyfriend I sometimes put one over a sex toy I have so he doesn't get upset if he would accidentally stumble upon a condom wrapper. Now he won't freak out. You really should have told her that. I hope you got to explain it to her.

3 1
aback 4

The professional way to handle that would have been to tell her you'd discuss it when you got home, then hang up.

5 0
SimpleSimon 0

Perhaps, but I didn't really want to go home and find my house ransacked by an enraged woman. Hell hath no fury...

7 0
aback 4

You might want to rethink whether she's a keeper, then.

1 3
DeltaBalls 2

Well, that's kind of a win/lose situation.. you win by well having your friends if they were to find out about this by them thinking you're a ladies man but you lose the girl (depends on the girl) cuz she's going to think you had all that time to think of an excuse.. it all varies lol

0 2
EhLasalvadorena 0

agreed #30, i would have done that in a heartbeat lmao

1 0
SimpleSimon 0

Condoms aren't the only form of effective contraception folks. You can take it as fact that my girlfriend could not have got pregnant, and that both of us are STI clear. Masturbating with a condom on, the posh wank as #25 says, can be an interesting break from the norm. Fact is i had a few condoms left over and no need to keep them for sex, it's really no big deal. lol.

13 1
fretforyerlatte 0

well that makes sense, i guess. i (and others i think) were under the impression you were going out and buying condoms specifically to ********** with. a rather expensive and pointless endeavor.

8 0