The Top

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By LilyL - 06/06/2010 21:53 - United States

Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 167

You deserved it 5 729

By Anonymous - 06/02/2012 10:38 - United States

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 078

You deserved it 2 649

By jake - 07/02/2010 18:56 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I forgot it was her birthday. We had only been dating for 2 weeks. I didn't even know when it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 187

You deserved it 8 234

By hot_friend - 19/12/2013 06:13 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said he was in love with my best friend instead of me. I wouldn't be so upset if it wasn't the third boyfriend in a row this happened with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 973

You deserved it 4 894

By riptoofie - 16/01/2010 21:36 - United States

Today, I found my beloved hamster, Toofie. Toofie escaped from his cage. 4 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 002

You deserved it 4 977

By ladylol - 24/11/2012 13:54 - United Kingdom - Towcester

Today, I asked my boyfriend if he'd rather play the new Assassin's Creed game or have a night of sex with me. He started crying from indecision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 178

You deserved it 12 526

By Anonymous - 11/12/2010 05:16 - Canada

Today, I went to check if my neighbours were home to return their dog, having looked after her for a few days. I looked in the window and the place was empty. They'd moved house and stuck us with their dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 546

You deserved it 3 578

By John_Elvis - 09/04/2016 03:30 - United States - Valparaiso

Today, I took a girl to a sushi restaurant for our first date. She insisted she's had sushi before, but I had to watch her struggle with the chopsticks for a few minutes before mercifully asking the waitress for a fork. She then ate a fork full of wasabi, thinking it was guacamole. I think there won't be a second date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 355

You deserved it 3 509

By redeye - 19/09/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be funny to put rubbing alcohol in my contact lens case while I had them soaking overnight. I didn't realize this until I put the first one in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 681

You deserved it 2 459

By dontworrybehappy - 28/08/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, I was in the car going to a concert with my family. I was listening to my iPod, when the wheel broke and I couldn't change the song. So for the rest of the trip, I was stuck either listening to my parents arguing, or Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin on repeat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 980

You deserved it 6 155

By myselfami - 31/03/2011 11:31 - United States

Today, someone wearing dark grey clothes thought it would be a good idea to run in front of my car in the pouring rain. I slammed on my brakes and managed to stop before I'd have turned him into a blood sprinkler. Unfortunately, the person behind me didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 156

You deserved it 2 873

myselfami tells us more.

myselfami 1

Monday 11 April 2011 14:15

Okay, I was pretty unclear about specifics on this FML. The runner was barely tapped by the front bumper of my car. He fell, got back up, and limped off somewhere. The guy that was behind me doesn't have insurance. I have five stitches in my forehead from bashing it against the steering wheel. Kind of wish I wouldn't have stopped, honestly.

By dgilbs - 27/08/2012 14:50 - United States - Cheboygan

Today, I finished my shopping at Costco, and realized I had forgotten where I had parked. After scouring the parking lot for 20 minutes, I called the police and filed a report for a stolen vehicle. I then remembered I had bought a new car yesterday and parked it right next to the entrance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 024

You deserved it 37 918

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:21 - Canada

Today, while eating dinner with my family, I found out my boyfriend recorded me screaming while having sex with him on my phone, and set it as my ring tone on high volume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 815

You deserved it 6 164

By louise. - 18/10/2010 09:06 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 618

You deserved it 5 715

By Mangler - 22/06/2010 13:49 - Belgium

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 229

You deserved it 5 264

By Leigha - 02/01/2012 02:14 - Trinidad and Tobago

Today, I found out that if you see a tray with some black stuff in it and you can't decide whether it's powdered black pepper or cigarette ashes, it's not a good idea to taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 205

You deserved it 50 170

By moxy - 24/01/2011 15:00

Today, I got into a car accident. Why? I was distracted by a floating spec of dust and was pretending I was in space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 659

You deserved it 65 793

Smart move

By Triedtobecool - 06/04/2009 02:22 - Canada

Today, I went to buy beer underage for a party to impress a girl. I picked up the case of beer and went to the cashier, he ran it through without asking for ID. I left the store with a smirk on my face, I arrived at the party and showed the case to the girl. It was non-alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 974

You deserved it 99 955

By pootythe5th - 30/08/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was at my favorite Mexican restaurant when I realized my really cute waiter, along with his buddies kept looking at me and smiling. Trying to be cool, I took a bite of my burrito, choked, and spilled ground beef down my new shirt and in my bra. They laughed the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 536

You deserved it 38 668

Am I being detained?

By KidJwal - 28/02/2012 17:10 - United States

Today, I had to explain to a cop that the reason I was speeding was because my girlfriend was in the hospital due to a car accident. He was working the accident just ten minutes before and saw me leave behind the ambulance. He still gave me a ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 539

You deserved it 6 968

By Randall - 25/01/2011 07:28 - United States

Today, my uncle had a flashback to Vietnam. I'm now missing a tooth and have a cracked rib. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 641

You deserved it 3 432

By CantPublish - 12/04/2012 17:54 - United States - Modesto

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 089

You deserved it 21 904

By random - 06/05/2009 08:57 - United States

Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 022

You deserved it 4 325

Method

By EllieS9311 - 16/02/2016 13:16 - United States - Montevallo

Today, my 13 year-old son had a seizure in the middle of his history class. We were at the hospital for three hours and several expensive tests later he informed me he faked the seizure so he could get out of a group presentation. He was so proud that he was such a good actor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 584

You deserved it 3 081

Bon appétit

By Anonymous - 05/09/2010 05:22 - United States

Today, I took some friends out to the woods to show them a natural spring. I explained to them that the water bubbles up from underground, and that it's clean and tasty. I bent down and drank a few hefty handfuls, only to look up and see a dead raccoon floating near me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 007

You deserved it 24 682

Sounds like a keeper

By Anonymous - 11/04/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 817

You deserved it 11 896

By Merlin - 17/04/2012 17:37 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got a one-inch fish bone stuck in my throat. I went to the doctor, who claimed he couldn't see the long white thing embedded next to my tonsil. He charged me $70, and told me to eat some bread. I had to pull it out myself with a pair of tweezers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 672

You deserved it 2 358

By Scarred - 04/09/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 987

You deserved it 5 661

By ciararow - 14/04/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally let me take his dog on a walk, after two years of not trusting me to keep her safe. During the walk, a car drove by, causing her to run after it and pulling the leash out of my hand. Five hours later, and I still can't find her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 143

You deserved it 26 206

It's a conspiracy!

By Pox - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I got chickenpox. I'm 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn't going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Adults don't get chickenpox." He then fired me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 976

You deserved it 3 079

Keywords

Holidays Miscellaneous Family Thanksgiving Politics Transportation AITA Am I overreacting? Cars Contraception Love Suspicious Cheating Pregnancy Christmas Scary Sex Awkward Weddings Embarrassing Singing My ex Jealousy Friends Health Poopoo peepee Relatable Therapy Mental health Covid

The Top

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 236

You deserved it 5 157

USA, USA, USA; well, almost. Today we're not welcoming a French artist, not even an American artist, but an artist from... oh, you'll see! Are you in a hurry or something? Why can't we just sit down, have a nice cup of tea and talk about the future? ...

I agree, your life sucks 10

You deserved it 15

The Top

Today, I confronted my ex-employer about the money he owes me. He'd said he would pay me $3000. He asked me if I had it in writing. I said no. He said, “Well, too bad for you. No leg to stand on.” Then, in a cringey Indian accent, “Thank you, come again!” and slammed the door in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 136

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 318

You deserved it 69 083

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 404

You deserved it 2 793

Today, I decided to start working out. I made a bit of Internet research, and I found out about my body type. The first and only example that popped up is Natalie Portman. Oh, by the way, I’m a 16 year-old dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 721

You deserved it 166

Today, I discovered that the seal on my driver's door is defective. I made this discovery when I got rained on while I was getting my car washed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 103

You deserved it 3 066

Today, I received the gifts of my period, diarrhea, severe dizziness and double vision, and an ant infestation in my home. These were followed by the glaring absence of any gifts from my husband. Happy 40th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 215

You deserved it 238