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From the poster: I fully expected to a lot of "you deserved it" I just thought it was too funny not to share with the world. Yes, I was talking about petting an actual feline. No, I do not talk to myself while masturbating or have regular conversations with the cat. My neighbor's porch is a couple feet from my window and I can hear all of their conversations too. I am dating someone and have gotten laid recently. I think it is hilarious they put it in the "intimacy" section.

By NYMTS - 01/07/2011 23:22 - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 418

You deserved it 10 938

By belle_arina - 08/10/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 423

You deserved it 8 519

By mee - 11/11/2015 17:10 - United States - Providence

Today, my girlfriend informed me that we aren't officially dating until she changes her Facebook relationship status. We've been "dating" for 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 219

You deserved it 1 875

By need € for new iron - 16/05/2013 19:49 - Germany - Gevelsberg

Today, I walked in on my sister masturbating with my curling iron. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 539

You deserved it 6 747

Oh, the sinning

By Liliannn - 23/09/2021 08:00

Today, I found out I’m pregnant. This would be joyful news, if the father wasn’t my friend’s soon-to-be husband. I’m one of the bridesmaids at their wedding tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 4 472

By Liferuinedforever - 14/05/2013 07:13 - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I found out I'm actually the uncle of my children. All four of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 110 455

You deserved it 6 759

By Anonymous - 20/03/2018 15:00

Today, while bagging at a grocery store, a customer had me use some canvas bags he'd brought with him. This wouldn't have been a problem had they not reeked strongly of cat piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 794

You deserved it 229

By mr - 27/07/2010 18:44 - United States

Today, I realized every time I go to take a poop, my 9 month old crawls into the bathroom and sobs at my feet. I now have to let my 9 month old sit on my lap while I shit, because I can't do it any other way. The end to all privacy has now come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 767

You deserved it 10 425

By stk - 19/12/2016 12:56 - United States - Aurora

Today, I woke up at 3am to catch my flight back home, only to realize that my flight was pushed back 14 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 713

You deserved it 501

By sma93 - 17/12/2016 18:30 - United States - Baldwin

Today, after my work's Christmas party, everyone got so drunk that I had to help one of my only sober co-workers take everyone home and clean up vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 720

You deserved it 587

By Jared - 23/10/2015 18:08 - United States

Today, I picked up my car after I got it painted. As I backed up in the parking lot, my car scraped against a pillar. Now I have to put it right back in the shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 551

You deserved it 13 938

By ThatsIncentive - 15/12/2016 01:59 - United States - Granite Bay

Today, I stooped to pick up an earring back off the ground. It was actually a spider. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 958

You deserved it 1 139

Good question

By cynicalcindy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out, "Are you having fun?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 170

You deserved it 50 352

By Anonymous - 11/10/2015 03:54 - Canada - Montréal

Today, my 19 year-old brother called me a moron and told me to go read a book, after I corrected him when he said girls don't have colons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 736

You deserved it 2 190

Spiritual connection

By EmoToyBoy - 30/04/2020 14:00

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 258

You deserved it 454

Denial

By Anonymous - 02/05/2020 20:00

Today, I got told repeatedly to "stay in my lane" by a woman in her 40s. Why? Because I politely asked her if she had a mask when she entered the retail store I work in. Our policy is that everyone must wear a face mask in the store at all times. One hour down, 8 more to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 751

You deserved it 337

By edavis1993 - 06/10/2015 15:29 - United States - Milford

Today, my clinical instructor told me to stop being so negative, to get over myself, and to focus on nursing school. I'm only distracted because 3 days ago I was told I might have colon cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 993

You deserved it 1 480

By steam_engenius - 04/10/2015 18:11 - United States - Reno

Today, I discovered that spicy ground beef bits are the perfect size to become lodged in one's nasal cavity when vomited back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 147

You deserved it 1 902

steam_engenius tells us more.

steam_engenius 21

Tuesday 6 October 2015 5:53

I didn't close my mouth while vomiting...The ground beef just kinda made it up there somehow.

Great first day

By TordNorski - 03/10/2015 02:44 - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes into training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 827

You deserved it 1 428

By princessrose - 16/11/2016 11:05

Today, I asked the guy I share a desk with at work out because he has texted me a few times and seemed pretty into me. He said he doesn't date coworkers, even though the last 5 people he's dated have been coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 686

You deserved it 1 228

Captain Dumbass

By Anonymous - 26/05/2020 05:00

Today, after my husband spent several days in his shed welding, he showed me his completed Captain America shield. It looked shit. I warned him not to throw it, but he threw it anyway, missed his target, bounced it off the garage and smashed the kitchen window, showering our kids in glass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 974

You deserved it 580

Cryptic reaction

By Anonymous - 30/08/2021 03:01

Today, I found out I’m pregnant with the man I’ve been in love with for almost a year. When I told him, he got down on one knee, cuddled my abdomen and said, "Get out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 058

You deserved it 193

Control

By Person - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, my cousin invited me to an event that'll be happening on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 686

You deserved it 2 441

Helpful

By knuckleheadknock - 10/11/2016 02:11

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 405

You deserved it 701

Keywords

Thanksgiving Politics Health Family Argument Frustration Sex Intimacy Miscellaneous Love Awkward First Dates AITA Cars Road rage Transportation Dogs Animals Cute Alcohol Am I overreacting? Relatable Food Holidays Contraception Cheating Suspicious Gross Poopoo peepee Kids

The Top

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I agree, your life sucks 12

You deserved it 18

Today, police questioned me on behalf of my doctor, who couldn’t believe one person could use so much insulin, so he thinks I’m selling it to bodybuilders. I really do use it all myself, I use about 6 times as much as my sister who is also diabetic, and my diet is normal. I only weigh 10.5 stone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 508

You deserved it 117

The Top

Today, my boss, a treacherous weasel, threw me under the bus for a £300 mistake I made on my first day a year ago as an intern, trying to distract from his £12,000 fuck up from today. He got suspended, but my wages are temporarily reduced until the money from my mistake is paid back, all £300 of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 134

Today, I got chased by a duck. Not just any duck, the same duck that has chased me every morning for a week. I’m starting to think it has a personal vendetta against me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 126

Today, my boyfriend came to visit from another state. My mom didn't want me to go to his hotel, but I did. When she asked about it, I lied to her and said I didn't go. She the showed me a picture of my car outside his hotel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 2 672

Today, I finally got an answer as to why I've felt like crap this past week when I tested positive for COVID. My wife, a healthcare professional, is now madly Googling proof that COVID is fake, because she thinks it an elaborate ruse for me to not visit her grandmother next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 278

You deserved it 148

Today, in the absence of my god-daughter's parents, I went in their place to see her elementary school's principal. She apparently stood up to a known bully's violence and retaliated, sending said bully to the hospital. Not only she may be facing expulsion, I may get sued by the bully's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 998

You deserved it 225

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 681

You deserved it 3 699