The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By Scared - 05/06/2012 00:54 - United States - Arlington

Today, I walked in on my mother stroking my cat and murmuring, "Don't worry, kitty. One day, you and I... we will rule." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 659

You deserved it 3 402

My eyes! My eyes!

By someone - 29/07/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, while walking home, the gods were kind enough to grace me with the sight of an old man jogging past me in nothing but a pair of short shorts. The image of his balls swinging to and fro underneath like a pendulum has been forever burned into my retinas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 833

You deserved it 5 390

By Joplin - 13/09/2010 19:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I was lying on my recliner watching TV when I dropped the remote under the footrest. I got down on my hands and knees and pushed the footrest into the chair. The moment I touched the remote, the footrest deployed and hit me square in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 976

You deserved it 6 228

Run away time

By kittyfiddlernono - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Bulgaria - Pernik

Today, I went on a date with a seemingly really awesome guy. It went quite well, until dessert came and he started telling me why bestiality "isn't really so wrong, you know?" Riiiggghhttt. Looks like I'm still single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 625

You deserved it 4 449

It's not a phase!

By allycat - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after a year of suspicion, I finally found out my sister is in a cult. My family's response? "It'll be good for her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 208

You deserved it 2 785

Coming or going

By almost governmental - 05/09/2014 22:02 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I got a call about a job interview, saying I was hired. I was ecstatic, until they called me back and said they'd called the wrong applicant. They called again later, saying there'd been a mistake and I really was hired. When I went in to confirm it, they said they'd never heard of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 643

You deserved it 3 084

Today, on Asshat Bosses…

By need a job - 24/06/2021 13:02 - United States

Today, I was fired from my cashier job for "abandoning my post." I saw a man pass out in the 100° heat in front of our store and I rushed to give him water. Not to worry though, my manager assured me he wouldn’t press charges for the water I took from the fridge, but I’m still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 850

You deserved it 108

Cosy chat

By sick and awkward - 20/05/2012 06:11 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 346

You deserved it 3 584

Deep desire

By Anonymous - 16/12/2019 21:00 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 243

You deserved it 273

By Anonymous - 11/06/2013 02:04 - United States - Plano

Today, I arrived at my grandparents'. They already had guests so I had to sleep in the cottage. It wasn’t that bad until when I was making the bed I found a dead rotting possum in the blankets. When I told my grandmother, she simply said, "Deal with it, wimp." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 833

You deserved it 4 544

Fashionista

By Anonymous - 14/05/2012 00:25 - United States - Newark

Today, it's my birthday. All I wanted was birthday sex, but all my boyfriend could talk about was how great the new purse he got me was. I think he might like it more than me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 582

You deserved it 5 723

By diesel444 - 23/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I mentioned to my dad (we have a close relationship) that my last condom had expired. Happy to buy me new ones for the sake of safe sex, he asked me "Do you need small, or extra small?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 837

You deserved it 23 197

By Sara - 04/03/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, I woke up at 5:30 AM to my boyfriend flipping on the lights and shouting, "We have a problem!" Our chinchilla had gotten out of his maximum security cage, and half of our apartment is now underwater because he decided the water line that leads to the fridge would make a tasty midnight snack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 580

You deserved it 9 075

Keeping up appearances

By Carebeareatu - 13/03/2020 15:00

Today, my friends gave me a complete makeover, which included clothes from their wardrobe, to prepare me for an upcoming job interview. I was then declined the position, because apparently, I "looked too wealthy" to need the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 816

You deserved it 158

DUDE! WTF?

By imanidiot - 03/03/2009 06:29 - United States

Today, I'd been sat in traffic for about an hour. I've heard stories about people doing the dirty in their cars, and I never do anything risky so I thought, why not, I'll be here a while, no one can see me: I'll masturbate. Midway through, I heard a tap on my driver's window. It was a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 264

You deserved it 152 451

Praise the Lord

By Zippermania9 - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that if you fall asleep in church, people will think you're having a spiritual moment, and you'll wake up to ten people praying for you. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 236

You deserved it 13 882

By crappingrapping - 21/05/2013 15:01 - United States

Today, I thought the public restroom I was in was empty, so I started rapping. I realized the room was not empty when, recognizing the song, the person one stall over joined in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 213

You deserved it 43 812

By jessinono - 17/05/2013 16:16 - United States

Today, while walking home with my boyfriend, he jokingly slapped my butt. A man as old as my dad drove by, yelled "Wooo, spank that ass! DAMN!" and kept leering at me before finally driving off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 644

You deserved it 5 547

By stillAvirgin:( - 20/06/2011 01:46 - United States

Today, I purchased an app to track my period. When my mother asked me why I got it, I told her I was going to use it so I knew when to not go on a date because I don't want to be uncomfortable during a long movie. She slapped me in the face and called me a dirty prostitute and a liar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 886

You deserved it 9 125

By girlgirlinsanity - 25/07/2010 11:09 - United States

Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 560

You deserved it 5 779

By vampire - 16/06/2011 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was yelled at by my mum for not wanting to get a spray tan for my cousin's wedding because if I don't, I will "shine like a beacon of disrespect" among the other attendees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 398

You deserved it 3 572

Recycling helps

By Julieworld - 24/04/2020 08:00

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 798

You deserved it 897

Makes sense

By lovegame - 28/06/2014 15:48 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, two months after forgiving my girlfriend for breaking my heart by cheating on me, I found out that she's cheating again with the same guy. When I confronted her, she basically said I brought it on myself and that I was an idiot for not dumping her the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 024

You deserved it 26 941

By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:27 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I punished my new dog for taking a shit inside by putting him in the kennel. He punished me by breaking out of the kennel and destroying everything in my house. Including Christmas presents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 228

You deserved it 3 376

Tasty!

By Sad and hungry - 25/04/2020 17:00

Today, my in-laws invited us over to dinner. I decided to help out in the kitchen and watched in horror as my mother-in-law licked every utensil, sucked her fingers while making the plates and slurped wine straight from the bottle. My husband said I was rude for refusing to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 978

You deserved it 264

By unforgettablee - 29/04/2013 07:08 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 742

You deserved it 13 044

By Anonymous - 16/06/2014 16:33 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, my laziness reached an all-time high. I had a dream that I was at school and had spilled all the contents of my backpack onto the floor. I then purposely shook myself out of my sleep to avoid cleaning up the mess in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 707

You deserved it 11 002

Leave Me Alone

By gordogs 25 - 04/04/2012 10:53 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I woke up for the third time in a row from a wet dream about my ex-girlfriend. I'm currently on my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 125

You deserved it 13 043

By LovesHisHand - 20/09/2009 20:55 - United States

Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents, who responded by saying, "Sex is beautiful thing." When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself, and smashed my laptop with a hammer, all while calling me "filthy" and "immoral". FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 922

You deserved it 9 941

Mr Clean

By Jenn - 18/08/2021 09:59

Today, I discovered my new boyfriend doesn’t have toilet paper. He has a toilet cloth, which he instructed me to rinse off in the toilet after I was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 344

You deserved it 130

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my daughter came home in tears, completely distraught. It took half an hour to convince her to tell me what was wrong. What horrific thing happened to her? One of her friends wore the same outfit as her to the movies, and apparently that's a betrayal of their friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 925

You deserved it 4 073

Today, I'm in love with my best friend. We are intimate but live 24 hours away from one another. We had been discussing him moving closer to me, which was a recent turn of events and I was elated. We could finally be together… until some unexpected tragic news uncovered a kid he wasn't aware of. Now he's a single dad and staying put. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 123

The Top

Today, I went on a double date with my bestfriend. At the end of the night, her boyfriend gave her a long kiss, and texted her 5 minutes after we left to say he missed her already. My boyfriend picked his nose, then gave me a fist bump as a goodbye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 363

You deserved it 7 013

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 251

You deserved it 5 275

Today, my best friend called me to cancel our mall plans. I could hear that she was watching a movie in the background. I then called my boyfriend to see if he was busy, and I could hear the same movie in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 307

You deserved it 156

Today, my kids did not tell me the AC guy was here. I got up and went to the restroom in my bra and underwear, and the AC guy was standing in the bathroom. Our AC unit is downstairs, so both me and the AC guy were shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 201

Today, I received a beautiful, heart-felt text from my boyfriend detailing all the ways he loved me. He probably should have emphasized just how big his heart is though because he sent the text to three other women too. Thank you, group messaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 549

You deserved it 2 582

Today, after three weeks of suffering from COVID, I returned to work. I met with my boss, and was written up for absenteeism. Oh, and we're closing early because there are ongoing riots. Oh, and we lost the contract and I'm unemployed in three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 284