The Top

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The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

New saying just dropped

By Evan - 10/10/2022 15:30 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend demanded that I delete all my female friends' numbers. Her rationale is, “When them bitches are going through some shit, a shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on.” When I refused, she promptly dumped me because she doesn’t "need a potential cheater” in her life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 540

You deserved it 218

By runner2731 - 08/06/2012 08:09 - United States - Newark

Today, I saw Thor and I wanted to see how realistic it was to be swinging a hammer around. Wrong idea. I ended up unconscious on the ground for ten whole minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 959

You deserved it 41 788

runner2731 tells us more.

runner2731 0

Friday 8 June 2012 15:08

I am gonna watch the avergers soon and I'm gonna watch the incredible hulk, both iron man movies, and captain America.

Great story, tell it again!

By BrianTheLion89 - 06/06/2012 21:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I got a lecture about being lazy and not being active enough for my age, which ended with, "When I was your age, I was out every night having sex with anything that breathed." Thanks Gran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 630

You deserved it 3 753

Hey guys!

By iannie - 31/07/2011 21:45 - United States

Today, I went to the beach. While I was swimming, I noticed a few really hot guys passing. Trying to be sexy, I slowly got out of the water, showing off my body. I showed a bit more than I expected when I realized my bikini bottom had fallen off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 392

You deserved it 39 513

Parenting Struggles

By FML Approved - 08/10/2017 03:00

There are a lot of FML moments when rambunctious kids are around!

I agree, your life sucks 463

You deserved it 146

Very funny, Mom

By ThanksMa - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my mother and I walked past my boyfriend, whom she's never met. After we casually greeted each other and went on our way, my mother said, "He's cute. Who is he?" I paused for a second and replied, "That's my boyfriend." She then said, "Does he know that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 115

You deserved it 14 568

How could you?

By Lolzords - 14/09/2010 10:44 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the stairs holding a glass of water, when I tripped. I don't know what hurts more, that I'm still picking glass out of my hand or that my mum is still ranting about the water I'd spilt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 800

You deserved it 2 751

By vikinggirl - 13/09/2010 09:14 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 106

You deserved it 13 522

By Anonymous - 09/09/2010 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my cousin came to visit from America. While out shopping, she said loudly that she was having trouble finding clothes to fit around her huge fanny, causing a lot of people to stare in our direction. I had to explain to her that "fanny" in the UK means "vagina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 566

You deserved it 4 483

Whiner!

By mrjude - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my boss yelled at me, telling me that I can't answer the phone anymore. Not because I do a bad job, but because a co-worker whined about it being her job. People call her and complain about how rude she is and then ask to talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 175

You deserved it 207

By Fuck irony - 29/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I was volunteering at a soup kitchen and was advised to leave my wallet and cell phone in my car so they wouldn’t be stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 994

You deserved it 509

By my face though - 25/01/2016 17:04 - United States - Kettle Falls

Today, I had to leave class early due to a profusely bleeding pimple on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 827

You deserved it 2 456

By Anonymous - 22/07/2013 08:47 - United Kingdom - Bury

Today, I was reassuring my girlfriend that I wasn't cheating on her because I was sneaking around. I'm actually just planning a surprise birthday party for her. During the reassuring, I accidentally called her another girl's name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 966

You deserved it 30 300

By Bill Harrison - 19/07/2011 15:19 - United States

Today, I had a completely normal work day. Other than the fact that my boss dressed up like the lead singer from KISS and hit us with a foam sword at random. My boss is 49. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 437

You deserved it 6 746

By yoshithecat - 19/07/2013 12:31 - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, after being unemployed for almost two years, I was turned down for yet another job. The reason this time? I live too far from the job. I can see the building from my bedroom window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 527

You deserved it 4 610

yoshithecat tells us more.

yoshithecat 15

Friday 19 July 2013 23:09

I don't live on a hill, the building where I would've been working is a bit tall as well which works into me being able to see it from my window. The building is all of a mile from my flat. No, lol it isn't the Shard! I did express this to them and their response then was telling me they found someone more suited for the position. I have no clue why they didn't bother saying that in the first place though. A funny thought though, I put my postcode on my CV, so if they actually thought a little into the lie they fed me, maybe they'd have just stuck with the truth in the first place. Thanks for all the positive feedback, sorry I wasn't more clear in the original post - expressing I was a mile away from the building. Hopefully I'll get a job soon! *crosses fingers*

By TLJ321 - 18/05/2012 07:41

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 613

You deserved it 58 899

By unluckiestperson - 29/08/2010 15:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my very expensive and beautiful smelling perfume attracts wasps. Whenever I go out, wherever I am, I am followed by multiple wasps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 751

You deserved it 6 275

By anon - 16/01/2016 23:15 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Spicy

Today, I slept with my deputy manager. He slept with my insane jealous housemate months ago. I need to find a new job and a new flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 761

You deserved it 21 242

By musicaddict - 10/03/2009 20:42 - United States

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 371

You deserved it 24 204

By counselor - 25/08/2010 16:32 - United States

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she said 'buried'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 271

You deserved it 9 078

Nice try

By johnnycomehelpme - 14/11/2014 00:59 - United States - Skokie

Spicy

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 075

You deserved it 3 801

By poop - 08/03/2009 23:57 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up at my grandparents house since my mom was out of town, still half asleep i went to brush my teeth. Mid brush my mouth started getting numb I looked again at the tooth paste I used..turns out it was my grandpa's anti-itch anal cream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 055

You deserved it 22 154

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 247

You deserved it 8 786

Cocobananas

By Anonymous - 13/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found a banana peel on the clean floor. My 4-year-old son said that he was playing Spider-Man and trying to slip. I picked it up and while walking to the kitchen garbage can, slipped on the actual banana. I slid across the kitchen floor, fell, and bruised my tailbone. He laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 961

You deserved it 177

Party time!

By Kate - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 171

You deserved it 4 084

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Kelsiiii - 11/03/2020 03:00

Today, I pretended to be dead in front of my dog to see what he would do. He started to hump me, and when I tried to get up, he growled at me until I got back down on the ground to wait until he was finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 724

You deserved it 2 112

By Anonymous - 01/07/2013 17:49 - Canada - Coquitlam

Today, I saw my former high school teacher at the mall. After a nice conversation, she mentioned that I "still dress like a slut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 853

You deserved it 21 365

Thanks for the help

By singlemom - 15/07/2021 16:01

Today, while in line for my prescription, my daughter was interrogating the man behind us. I'm a single mother. She asked the man, "Do you think my mom is pretty? Want to go on a date with her?" When he told her he was married, she replied, "So? You can get a divorce." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 031

You deserved it 184

By Blueberrypicc - 13/08/2010 01:01 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was messing with my boyfriend in my basement. We are both virgins and he wanted to perform oral sex on me for the first time. Naked, we finally decided to try to have sex. We discovered the act is much harder than it may seem. We're both still virgins. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 327

You deserved it 38 091

By uppiskalle - 12/09/2014 14:32 - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 572

You deserved it 45 727

Keywords

Transportation Cars Accident Thanksgiving Dogs Awkward Alcohol Embarrassing Love Scary Animals Work Annoying Pizza Healthy Lifestyle Health Food Stressed out Family Miscellaneous Kids Parents Confused Exhausted Thief Relatable Birthday Money Argument AITA

The Top

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said, "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 700

You deserved it 94 045

Today, I was uninvited to our usual family Thanksgiving, as well as the rest of the holidays with my extended family. Why? They found out who I voted for. I won't say who, but according to my aunt, I'm to blame for putting their son's healthcare at risk. WTF? FML

I agree, your life sucks 224

You deserved it 982

The Top

Today, some asshole superglued ten rubber ducks to my car while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 101

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 051

You deserved it 4 195

Today, after ignoring my concerns and declaring that "safety equipment is for pussies", my husband went rock climbing for the first time. He only sprained his ankle, but is acting like it's broken. He's now playing video games in bed and pissing in a bucket, because walking is "too painful." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 258

You deserved it 4 938

Today, someone punched me in the back of the head, so I swung round and broke their nose. It was some woman screaming at me for wearing headphones and ignoring her. She then pulled a hidden disability badge out her pocket so everyone thought I was beating up a disabled person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 498

You deserved it 270

Today, my friend caught me watching a movie on Oxygen instead of the Super Bowl. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 277

You deserved it 32 465

Today, my boss finally pronounced my name correctly. My name was then followed by the words, "You're fired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 786

You deserved it 2 580