All the FMLs

Hey, Im the OP. It is extremely important that you take the pills in order and you CANNOT skip a pill! If you do your hormones can get all wacky and if youre sexually active, you can get pregnant. You only have a set amount of pills in the pack and they dont give any extras.

By wife - 22/02/2015 03:47 - United States - Oceanside

Today, my husband lost his keys again. It's a daily struggle to find them. This time they were in an ice cube, literally. He said he must have accidentally put them in there when making ice. He's going to be the father of my future children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 368

You deserved it 8 701

By poncho55 - 21/02/2015 20:28

Today, a guy attacked me and tried to steal my bag. I tried to defend myself by biting him as hard as I could. I then woke up to my husband screaming in pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 665

You deserved it 4 496

poncho55 tells us more.

poncho55 40

Sunday 22 February 2015 7:08

No worries, he's okay now. :) Later on in the day, he laughed about it and thought it was pretty hilarious, which is good because I felt pretty bad about biting him.

By bradix1186 - 21/02/2015 18:00 - Philippines - Kidapawan

Today, I got the most tear-jerking comment so far about my severe stutter. While I was talking to my neighbor, his little brother interrupted and asked me if I was possessed by a demon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 432

You deserved it 2 592

bradix1186 tells us more.

bradix1186 12

Sunday 22 February 2015 13:24

Hello everyone. I never thought it would get published. I sort of just powered up my computer and felt I had to vent here after it happened. But it's okay though. I'm used to the bickering comments I receive. But I refuse to concede to the negative effects that come with it; I'm a happy person. To those who are sympathetic to what I have, I'm forever grateful while I also am but all sympathetic to those who are not.

By Anonymous - 21/02/2015 15:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out the hard way that blood-filled deer ticks can look a lot like black jelly beans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 022

You deserved it 8 568

I'm so sorry

By Anonymous - 21/02/2015 14:20 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my girlfriend got her wisdom teeth removed. I really want to help her out while she recovers, but her swollen cheeks combined with her natural buck teeth keep making me crack up every time I see her. I can't help it and I'm now in the doghouse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 118

You deserved it 32 231

Just do it

By tulisa - 21/02/2015 04:25 - United States - Alexandria

Today, I witnessed the beautiful sight of a tiny baby bird struggling to take flight from its nest. "You can do it," I muttered, which I guess my asswipe of a cat heard as "Quick, go kill that bird and scar me for life, please." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 371

You deserved it 4 463

By besosforme - 21/02/2015 04:17 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I noticed our weekly biohazardous waste pickup didn't occur as usual at the surgery center where I work. After calling, the company informed me they were short staffed and couldn't make it out 'til next week. Guess that amputated finger is just going to marinate another week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 851

You deserved it 2 301

besosforme tells us more.

besosforme 26

Saturday 21 February 2015 22:08

Actually... It was! I'm thinking about breaking the contract with this company (after they pick up the finger- and the rest of the waste, of course). They've been nothing but unreliable and difficult to work with.

By fml - 21/02/2015 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 387

You deserved it 2 630

By pissed - 21/02/2015 00:35 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, my mom told me that, even though my brother sells drugs, he's still her favorite child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 079

You deserved it 2 991

kerstileann tells us more.

kerstileann 26

Saturday 21 February 2015 18:54

you know youll get modded and have a ban against you for saying that right? :)

By anonymous - 20/02/2015 23:49 - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 483

You deserved it 7 109

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 21:26 - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 995

You deserved it 2 789

Babyface

By all tweened out - 20/02/2015 20:00 - Canada

Today, I drove alone for the first time since I passed my test. I kept getting weird looks from other drivers and got pulled over by a cop. He said I was clearly underage and was sure my license was fake. Almost half an hour later, he finally let me go. I hate having a baby-face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 976

You deserved it 2 747

Crossing a line

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 19:25 - United States - Wapakoneta

Today, my surgeon was giving me the lowdown of what was going to happen on the operating table. I was anxious enough without him saying stuff like "cut you open", "quite a bit of blood" and "it's all quite risky." That's all I remember before fainting. My wife won't stop mocking me for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 011

You deserved it 3 359

By blahblah1993 - 20/02/2015 17:56 - United States - Katy

Today, I'm 8 months pregnant and still waitressing at a local restaurant. There were only 3 of us serving today and things were hectic. One guy bitched me out, saying "Maybe if you lost some weight you'd walk a little faster!" because I wasn't fast enough with his soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 140

You deserved it 2 832

By annie_xox - 20/02/2015 14:39 - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, my boyfriend commented on one of his his ex-girlfriend's Facebook photos, saying how smoking hot she looks and how much he wants her. His excuse was that the photo was posted before he was with me, so he's clearly doing nothing wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 199

You deserved it 3 987

annie_xox tells us more.

annie_xox 1

Saturday 21 February 2015 0:11

Hi, OP here! Believe me now, I gave him the dirtiest look and ended things there and then. He can have his "gorgeous" ex if he wants her so badly, just don't come crawling back to me, you dick!

By FunGhoost - 20/02/2015 13:35 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to a phone with most of my female contacts missing. I think I'm dating a psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 419

You deserved it 5 264

By OzzyWannabee - 20/02/2015 08:12 - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I tried to overcome my shyness by warmly greeting the bus driver while entering it. I instead blurted out really loudly the words of the song my iPod was playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 013

You deserved it 7 191

By Enslaved - 20/02/2015 03:16 - United States - Homestead

Today, I found a phone in a fitting room. I called the number that said "home" to let the owner know that I was going to give it to the store's manager. Apparently the husband didn't know his wife was out shopping and "blowing all his earnings". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 315

You deserved it 2 708

Enslaved tells us more.

Enslaved 36

Friday 20 February 2015 14:29

OP here! First off, when I called the number, a man answered. When I told him I found a phone,(an iPhone5c for those that are curious) he told me to "**** off" and that I had the wrong number, then hung up on me. He called the phone back a few minutes later and I could hear him yelling to what I assumed was his wife/GF in the background. He was asking her if she went out shopping? and how dare she spend his money, plus lose her phone! I did give the phone to the manager of the department store and told the man to pick it up there tomorrow if he wants it, since the store was already closed for the night. My heart is just uneasy because I know that my call caused what seems to be an argument between the lady that owns the phone and an irate man. I could tell he was very controlling and she was very afraid of him.

By Anonymous - 20/02/2015 01:46 - United States - Lebanon

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 853

You deserved it 5 105

By DD: - 19/02/2015 20:45 - United States - Denver

Today, I was on my way to work when my ex-wife drove past me in the car she got from me. She fucked me over so hard in the divorce that I have to ride my bike to work while wearing a full suit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 160

You deserved it 3 953

By Taylor Page - 19/02/2015 16:24 - United States - Gainesville

Today, my boss used the restroom at work. She returned and told me I needed to go clean the toilet because "someone left a mess in there." It was her mess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 612

You deserved it 2 535

By anonymous - 19/02/2015 16:06 - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, whilst walking to a primary school to give pupils a lesson on cleanliness, I tripped and landed on a dog turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 747

You deserved it 3 267

One of those people

By Vercsi - 19/02/2015 15:47 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, my attention-seeking, insanely thick co-worker explained that due to her new diet she can't eat bread. She "can eat pizza" though. When we pointed out that they’re pretty much made of the same ingredients, she wouldn’t believe us. I sit right behind this idiot every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 315

You deserved it 2 758

By Animal cruelty - 19/02/2015 13:46 - Australia

Today, I was off from school because of an extremely bad barking cough. My neighbours called the police because apparently my cough sounds like someone torturing an animal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 152

You deserved it 2 375

By kaailin - 19/02/2015 13:29 - Australia - Magill

Today, I went to an ATM intending to withdraw $150. I approached the machine, inserted my card, typed in my pin and followed the prompts. When my card came out, I removed it, put it in my pocket and drove off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 890

You deserved it 22 788

kaailin tells us more.

kaailin 18

Friday 20 February 2015 19:48

Hi guys, OP here. To clarify, it wasn't a drive through ATM, I walked back to the car before the money came out. Also to those asking how I managed to do such a careless thing - I had just had a stressful day at work on the closing shift so my mind wasn't with it. I'm lucky I have a loving family that can support me until my next pay day. And I hope I just hope the money ended up in hands that needed it more than myself.