Intimacy: Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came...

By Rumpkis - 05/12/2011 01:30 - United States

Today, I almost got a blowjob for the first time. Except I came before I even got in her mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 969

You deserved it 18 671

Thanksgiving: Turkeys and Skids
Family meals that turn absurd, because Thanksgiving is also about laughing at little disasters. More…

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Same thing different taste

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 161

You deserved it 5 568

By shmarf - 20/06/2015 06:00 - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 864

You deserved it 19 644

By Anonymous - 13/11/2010 05:20 - United States

Today, the girl that I have been trying to get with for over a year told me she was drunk and just gave her first blowjob to some guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 623

You deserved it 4 799

By fuck - 24/07/2015 16:44 - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 681

You deserved it 3 127

Nasty

By Anonymous - 30/08/2011 11:24 - Australia

Today, I got my first hand job. I started bleeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 524

You deserved it 5 891

First!

By karma - 28/01/2009 18:36 - Canada

Today, I almost had an orgasm. Unfortunately, he had one first. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 186

You deserved it 7 480

Self harm

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 392

You deserved it 6 227

The pleasure, the pain

By BadBribe - 24/06/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 187

You deserved it 30 213

By noname - 04/12/2008 05:55 - France

Today, after having waited three long months, my shy girlfriend finally gave me a blowjob. Everything was going really well until I said, "Wow, you're really talented. Anyone would think you've been practicing your whole life." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 648

You deserved it 61 874

By hitintheeye - 26/11/2011 15:09 - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 609

You deserved it 17 155

fmessiah 19

Monday 5 December 2011 8:38

Wipe up, and start again.

C19_fml 9

Monday 5 December 2011 8:36

Well, better luck next time haha!

Comments

tyrrell030491 7

Monday 5 December 2011 23:57

Ouch! Unlucky man, maybe next time :)

clusterfungus 3

Tuesday 6 December 2011 0:10

Exciting!! Just remember to breathe, buddy. ;)

duhWINNING2_fml 9

Tuesday 6 December 2011 1:20

You should probably wait til you hit double digits before you start getting that intimate.

lustheart 7

Tuesday 6 December 2011 4:26

You're barely in double digits yourself....

duhWINNING2_fml 9

Tuesday 6 December 2011 7:55

We're the same age.:p

hotncool 0

Tuesday 6 December 2011 1:31

Hahaha Yo ass came befo you even got in her mouth You weenie Lmao

Leftoverjello 6

Tuesday 6 December 2011 19:52

Wow. I'd rather be a premature ejaculator than have your understanding of the English language.

kdm_km1 19

Tuesday 6 December 2011 2:09

Winning!

1seven1 0

Tuesday 6 December 2011 2:26

Classy move

sharktat2 10

Tuesday 6 December 2011 3:35

Try,try again...and again...hehe

BD_Swingin 0

Tuesday 6 December 2011 3:43

Well that sucks for you... Oh wait no, that blows! Oh shit it doesn't do that either.

sethm51 6

Tuesday 6 December 2011 4:03

wow

guerillazinsuits 1

Tuesday 6 December 2011 4:13

Not a BJ then?

Keywords

Love Cheating Money Relatable Work Jealousy My ex Health Accident ADHD Medication Weather Snow Miscellaneous Embarrassing Awkward Am I overreacting? Relationship advice Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts

The Top

Today, thinking no one was home, I decided to be a little frisky with my boyfriend. I guess I was being loud and woke up my sleeping autistic brother the room over. Halfway through, he burst through the door, panicking. He thought I was having another one of my asthma attacks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 981

You deserved it 9 781

Today, I walked into the living room to find my 11-year-old daughter about to kiss her "not my boyfriend" on the lips. When I asked what she thought she was doing, she peeled a piece of scotch tape off her lips and said, "It's okay! We're using protection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 189

You deserved it 11 246

The Top

Today, while at my job, a couple became angry with me because I charged them for an extra ranch they'd ordered, as I'm supposed to. When I explained how it says in the menu how any additional sauces are an extra charge, she said nastily, "That's okay, we'll just take it out of your tip". FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 430

You deserved it 2 694

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 705

Today, I went over to my mom’s place to attempt to help her clean up, as she’s a hoarder. I was devastated to see that in order to make room for all the unnecessary new crap she buys, she stored all of our childhood toys, photos and the like outside in uncovered bins. It’s all completely ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 141

You deserved it 124

Today, I was paintballing when I got shot in the stomach and winded. As I was gasping for breath on the ground, someone came up and shot me point blank in my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 272

You deserved it 6 679

Today, I had mice in the house and had to kill them with mousetraps. I pulled a trap out with a dead mouse and my four year-old son saw. Mice are his favorite animals, and now he won’t speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 425

You deserved it 218

Today, while directing traffic in uniform, I tripped over a traffic cone and fell straight on my butt in the middle of a busy intersection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 713

You deserved it 1 312