Intimacy: Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old...

By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 452

You deserved it 8 738

Back to school
Is that it, have we really enjoyed the holidays? It's time to find the best back-to-school struggles. More…

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Same thing different taste

By julian - 29/09/2018 14:00

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 645

You deserved it 289

You wanker!

By Nik - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 464

You deserved it 4 571

Sex Ed is broken

By asnolt - 24/05/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 728

You deserved it 9 380

Traumatized knob

By Anonymous - 10/03/2015 19:11

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 006

You deserved it 4 617

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 660

You deserved it 64 584

Misery loves company

By Anonymous - 03/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 913

You deserved it 5 806

Stop

By dad - 03/03/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 368

You deserved it 83 176

By Anonymous - 02/01/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 286

You deserved it 7 891

That's not how any of this works

By Anonymous - 24/10/2023 10:00

Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 487

You deserved it 154

By whatno - 19/06/2013 23:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 911

You deserved it 9 243

buckeyed 20

Friday 5 July 2013 18:51

Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!

LindsayxMoore 18

Friday 5 July 2013 18:51

Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!

Comments

courtneybelle718 9

Saturday 6 July 2013 3:34

Sounds like its time for her to learn what a ******** is.

killuminatirebel 12

Saturday 6 July 2013 4:23

Well look who has a horny daughter...

wvcheesehead1 9

Saturday 6 July 2013 5:22

Maybe you can join handjobs anonymous, your friends and family will be pulling for you.

ninany63 9

Saturday 6 July 2013 6:07

Sex addict much?! Doesn't it hurt her lol.

insomniac8400 13

Saturday 6 July 2013 6:31

She's 17 and still giving handjobs? Sissy.

amifaiyaz 12

Saturday 6 July 2013 6:41

Just talk to her about her health, don't bring in morals or it'll all go downhill.

jbones24 22

Saturday 6 July 2013 7:30

Better elbow problems than jaw problems, man.

kidsgotastinky 11

Saturday 6 July 2013 8:03

Your daughter is a *****

an3ph 20

Saturday 6 July 2013 8:11

Soooooooo can I get her number?

peacefully84 19

Saturday 6 July 2013 11:09

Better handjobs than teen pregnancy!

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The Top

Today, my new couch was delivered. As the delivery guys left, I came back into the living room and noticed a bad but familiar smell. I turned the couch cushions over to discover that my cat had already claimed it as her personal litter tray. The return policy doesn’t cover "cat defilement." FML

I agree, your life sucks 211

You deserved it 445

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 208

You deserved it 3 593

The Top

Today, my mother told me I've gained so much weight recently, she thinks I should get gastric bypass surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 238

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 869

You deserved it 3 514

Today, like most days, my cat brought something to my doorstep. Usually it's a slew of dead mice, but this time he brought this big, ugly snake. I'm always the only one in my family "brave" enough to go fetch our cat's gifts. It took until lifting it up to realize the snake wasn't dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 948

You deserved it 3 078

Today, I realized I don't know which is sadder: the fact I have detailed conversations with myself in my car, or that I bought a Bluetooth earpiece so that I can do it in public without people thinking I'm a complete lunatic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 492

You deserved it 27 363

Today, I was at a music festival when a group of idiots decided to push over a port-a-loo (portable toilet). I rushed over and tried to hold it up to save the person inside from a very messy and embarrasing scene. Not only did the door open, covering me in excrement, but there was no-one inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 164

You deserved it 9 444

Today, I was excited to see my ex-girlfriend. We had broken up while I was in Iraq and I wanted to try to get her back. I spent my first day back looking for a place to live while her and her new boyfriend got it on as I slept. I had chosen that apartment for us and paid for that bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 899

You deserved it 5 823