Intimacy: Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old...

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By Anonymous - 05/07/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 463

You deserved it 8 740

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Same thing different taste

By julian - 29/09/2018 14:00

Today, I met my daughter's first serious boyfriend, only she forgot to mention he has hypermobility. All I did was shaking his hand normally, but it still dislocated three of his knuckles. My daughter made me call his mother to explain what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 648

You deserved it 290

You wanker!

By Nik - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to the doctor because I broke my wrist. My mom told the nurse that I broke it while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 501

You deserved it 4 574

Sex Ed is broken

By asnolt - 24/05/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 735

You deserved it 9 382

Traumatized knob

By Anonymous - 10/03/2015 19:11

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 015

You deserved it 4 620

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 662

You deserved it 64 604

Misery loves company

By Anonymous - 03/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year-old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 919

You deserved it 5 807

Stop

By dad - 03/03/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my wife when my 14 year-old daughter texted me from her room, "Stop." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 394

You deserved it 83 199

By Anonymous - 02/01/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 303

You deserved it 7 896

That's not how any of this works

By Anonymous - 24/10/2023 10:00

Today, I gave my hubby a hand massage as he's beginning to deal with carpal tunnel issues. He then proceeded to tell me, and I quote, "This is the consequences of not properly stretching as a young guy. I did stretch pussy though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 497

You deserved it 155

By whatno - 19/06/2013 23:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 917

You deserved it 9 245

buckeyed 20

Friday 5 July 2013 18:51

Easy fix: all she has to do is use her mouth!

LindsayxMoore 18

Friday 5 July 2013 18:51

Wow. I think you need to have a talk with her!

Comments

courtneybelle718 9

Saturday 6 July 2013 3:34

Sounds like its time for her to learn what a ******** is.

killuminatirebel 12

Saturday 6 July 2013 4:23

Well look who has a horny daughter...

wvcheesehead1 9

Saturday 6 July 2013 5:22

Maybe you can join handjobs anonymous, your friends and family will be pulling for you.

ninany63 9

Saturday 6 July 2013 6:07

Sex addict much?! Doesn't it hurt her lol.

insomniac8400 13

Saturday 6 July 2013 6:31

She's 17 and still giving handjobs? Sissy.

amifaiyaz 12

Saturday 6 July 2013 6:41

Just talk to her about her health, don't bring in morals or it'll all go downhill.

jbones24 22

Saturday 6 July 2013 7:30

Better elbow problems than jaw problems, man.

kidsgotastinky 11

Saturday 6 July 2013 8:03

Your daughter is a *****

an3ph 20

Saturday 6 July 2013 8:11

Soooooooo can I get her number?

peacefully84 19

Saturday 6 July 2013 11:09

Better handjobs than teen pregnancy!

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The Top

Today, while using the bathroom in a small coffee shop, I somehow passed out sitting on the toilet. There is nothing more jarring than waking up to the vicious banging of 7 angry, urine-filled patrons attempting to break down a door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 716

You deserved it 1 270

Today, I tried using hand sanitizer to mask the smell of my armpits at work. Not only did it intensify the stench, my boss thinks I have a drinking problem, because I vaguely smelled of alcohol. I was too embarrassed to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 146

You deserved it 25 155

The Top

Today, my dog got out and ran off at 8 p.m., so I had 11 friends and family looking in the freezing cold night for it until 11:30 p.m. Turns out, the dog was locked in the garage the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 063

You deserved it 1 306

Today, someone rear-ended me while I was on my way home. I was extremely upset and I called my boyfriend for comfort and to help inspect the damage. After taking a good look at the car, he said, "Damn, if only you fucked this hard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 582

You deserved it 9 657

Today, I had a chest x-ray. I thought everything was okay, that is until the tech gasped slightly and muttered, "Mother of God." I asked him what was wrong, and he kept insisting he had no idea what I was talking about. Now I'm so upset I can't even sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 102

You deserved it 2 473

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 171

You deserved it 288

Today, it's the end of a truly great week. First I got my period, then my boyfriend broke up with me, then I woke up and found a ton of spider bites on me, I got allergies, I almost threw up when I was driving home with my dad, my acne is getting really bad, and I have no money. Amazing week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 036

You deserved it 161

Today, the director of my university decided to cancel all my attendance until now, as I was unable to attend the inauguration program in my university. I was unable to attend the program because the area I had to travel to was flooded and one of the trains I was supposed to travel on caught fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 802

You deserved it 114