Work: Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him....

By Anonymous - 23/01/2012 05:12 - United States

Today, I waited on an elderly man whose wife had just left him. After him going on and on about how his dog will love his leftover chicken, I nervously caught a case of verbal diarrhea and uttered, "Well, if there's chicken involved, I'll get on my knees and be your dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 397

You deserved it 36 036

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Same thing different taste

By TrulyYours - 07/05/2009 12:39 - United States

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the phone. After a short pause I hear him say "I love you." Smiling I say, "I love you too." Then he says, "I was talking to my dog." FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 559

You deserved it 5 915

Honey…

By greenintheface - 30/04/2011 06:27 - United States

Today, I had a horrible stomach flu and was well into my second hour of dry heaving when I heard my husband knock on the bathroom door. I was touched that he was worried about me, until I heard, "Honey, what did you make for dinner?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 728

You deserved it 4 106

Priorities

By Anonymous - 20/03/2016 15:58 - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 001

You deserved it 1 871

By Martine624 - 07/05/2015 21:56 - Netherlands

Today, I spent nearly two hours listening to our cleaning lady talking about her son's infected penis, her fear of dentists, how to catch and kill ducks, her husband's childhood and her supposedly murdered dog. She ended up crying and left without cleaning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 121

You deserved it 3 477

By lessinterestingthanadog - 08/11/2009 05:28 - United States

Today, I invited the guy I've been seeing to my home for the first time. He spent over an hour talking to my twelve-year-old dog. Occasionally he would look up to ask me a question, but when I answered he would just continue talking to the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 302

You deserved it 3 813

By SophieGray - 20/05/2011 23:33 - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 889

You deserved it 5 066

Kinda sus, dude

By Anonymous - 10/01/2015 20:00 - United States - Burlington

Today, my girlfriend was making lunch and asked me to pass her the peanut butter. I'll never know why, but as I handed it to her I said the first thing that came to mind, "I really want a dog." She looked at me in horror, then told me to get out of her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 209

You deserved it 5 198

By Anonymous - 30/04/2014 05:17 - United States - Muncy

Today, while I was making dinner, my husband argued that our new dog has intelligence issues, and we should give him away. I angrily defended the poor thing, and had almost won, until the dog walked over and licked the inside of the hot oven door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 846

You deserved it 6 162

By samantha - 27/01/2010 14:05 - Singapore

Today, I was sick with the flu so my boyfriend announced that he would make me some chicken soup. It was touching until I stumbled to the kitchen and found out that his "chicken soup" was actually leftover KFC bones boiled in water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 745

You deserved it 4 380

By lulu - 11/02/2012 10:19 - United States

Today, my dog attacked me because I had a chicken costume on for a party. I'm currently in a hospital, dressed as a chicken, waiting for medical assistance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 295

You deserved it 4 716

whoaaahorsie 7

Monday 23 January 2012 12:28

for a dirty translation, maybe "if there's **** involved i'll get on my knees and be your bitch" ?

lukybasturd 0

Monday 23 January 2012 12:00

well me not understanding this is my fml. someone please comment an explanation.

Comments

lukybasturd 0

Monday 23 January 2012 12:00

well me not understanding this is my fml. someone please comment an explanation.

Betz 10

Monday 23 January 2012 12:06

Dogs love to eat chickens.

brookie_0841 1

Monday 23 January 2012 12:16

It's supposed to be sexual

LadyClarik 8

Monday 23 January 2012 12:20

Whether its sexual or not, what's creepy is she legitimately had this thought. She wasn't trying to be funny. She just really wanted THAT piece of chicken. Weird.

whoaaahorsie 7

Monday 23 January 2012 12:28

for a dirty translation, maybe "if there's **** involved i'll get on my knees and be your bitch" ?

fsukid1021 0

Monday 23 January 2012 12:51

#1 She means the 'other' white meat.

Jonkbaby 22

Monday 23 January 2012 13:41

more like herbal diarrhea, amirite, amirite????

The_Troller 14

Monday 23 January 2012 14:28

44- no, you're not right. At least not until I figure out what you tried to say there.

DeadxManxWalking 27

Monday 23 January 2012 15:03

*******.

Furrywhiplash 14

Monday 23 January 2012 16:14

She wants it doggy-style.

rogerover 19

Monday 23 January 2012 16:47

Both 67& 82. Yea, both.

klatt 8

Monday 23 January 2012 18:05

Today Im not getting the punch line or am I missing something !!!

Tsunami87 17

Monday 23 January 2012 18:22

She's really attracted to chickens.

urdirtyolduncle 15

Monday 23 January 2012 21:13

Did he say, "Dear diary, Jackpot!"

theladyofepic 3

Monday 23 January 2012 23:27

I think 44 was trying to make a pun about KFC-maybe.

BadBoyz90210 0

Tuesday 24 January 2012 3:16

26 - dark meat is so much better...

BrickWalls 2

Tuesday 24 January 2012 4:56

Well all I can say is beg for a treat :D! >:)

waitwhatsgoingon 18

Tuesday 24 January 2012 5:20

No...

Jonkbaby 22

Tuesday 24 January 2012 10:53

lmao #122, I honestly didn't think of that. You are full of win though!

elidine 0

Tuesday 24 January 2012 18:39

Yes. She wants the ****.

StopDropNRoll 11

Monday 23 January 2012 12:00

Looks like someone is having chicken today.

somebody_special 9

Monday 23 January 2012 20:08

CHICKEN!!!!

jellitonoctopus 19

Monday 23 January 2012 12:01

Who doesn't love chicken?

oliver86 8

Monday 23 January 2012 13:04

Vegans

jellitonoctopus 19

Monday 23 January 2012 13:12

Ah, and vegetarians.

cc_the_beast 6

Monday 23 January 2012 14:06

They love chickens, just not dead ones.

TheMaster15 10

Monday 23 January 2012 12:01

Hahaha just imagine the reaction!!

ohSNAPyall 26

Monday 23 January 2012 13:42

Maybe it made him laugh, at least. If you know his wife left him, he must be going through a pretty rough time.

jeob1992 8

Monday 23 January 2012 16:19

Till now....

ladyLALAA 28

Monday 23 January 2012 12:03

I feel like chicken tonight, like chicken tonight. *Maracas*

s15c 9

Monday 23 January 2012 12:04

Sounds painful. FYL

Glitterhinoceros 14

Monday 23 January 2012 12:04

Sounds kind of kinky...

TPSerigne 9

Monday 23 January 2012 12:13

Very arousing. Let me get some of that chicken!

shanemaximo 7

Monday 23 January 2012 15:32

Yeah, pretty much anything sexual that involves an old man, his dog and left over chicken is going to be kinky.

kodyrsswanson 6

Monday 23 January 2012 23:06

Or is it?

pinkcrayola 0

Monday 23 January 2012 12:06

Don't worry, OP, I'm sure he didn't mind. (;

BountyBass 13

Monday 23 January 2012 12:07

Wtf

akito11 5

Monday 23 January 2012 14:08

I had that same reaction

CryMoreFMLs 14

Monday 23 January 2012 14:50

Some people are into that... Now now... Let's not judge... *cough*FREAK*cough*

hecseferblade 1

Monday 23 January 2012 12:09

bet the old man liked that idea

Keywords

Awkward Miscellaneous Embarrassing Work Sleep Dating Love Annoying Am I overreacting? Parents Health Mental health Furniture Kids Gross Friends Public freakouts Fight Cops Drugs Neighbours Medication Relatable Teenagers Dogs Animals Gamers Ironic Video games Job interview

The Top

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year-old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 391

You deserved it 115 808

Today, I woke up with the flu that causes me to throw up violently until I dry heave and can't breathe. I told my mom I would rather have the runs, and not even a minute later, I got them. So now if I move too fast, I throw up, and if I don't move fast enough, I shit myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 666

You deserved it 3 982

The Top

Today, my boyfriend tried to serenade me with The Sex is Good by Saving Abel. According to him, "I have to fake it, I'd leave if I could. I'm not in love, but the sex is good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 613

You deserved it 4 052

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm "a self-absorbed bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 697

You deserved it 8 945

Today, after finally getting my drivers license, I was able to drive myself to school for the first time! I got fined $50 for accidentally parking in the wrong lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 138

You deserved it 1 920

Today, the fire alarm went off at work. My office is on the second floor, and the door to the stairs were jammed shut. The only way out was jumping out the window. The best part was breaking my leg due to someone burning their lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 127

You deserved it 8 609

Today, my dad saw my cleared internet history and said, "You do know we can still track your history with your IP address, right?" I don’t ever look at porn or anything like that. I just don’t want other people knowing all my business all the time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 933

You deserved it 126

Today, I got a call from my daughter’s school today. She had been telling the teacher, "I have a huge boner." Apparently, some of the kids at school told her it meant 'headache' and she's been saying it all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 721

You deserved it 3 605

Same thing different taste

Honey…

Priorities

Kinda sus, dude

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