Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes,...

By Milked Richard - 06/02/2015 04:14 - Australia - Wagga Wagga

Today, I woke up with my penis taped inside a milk bottle. Yes, I'm as baffled as you are. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 195

You deserved it 5 634

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Same thing different taste

By tapeissticky591 - 14/07/2012 05:49 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I woke up naked, duck-taped to the wall, with no memory of last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 908

You deserved it 36 516

By b.fritz - 24/09/2016 10:02 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I'm sitting in the emergency room because my girlfriend thought it would be funny to superglue my penis to my thigh while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 763

You deserved it 1 184

By idontbleedfromthere - 22/08/2012 23:10 - United States - Indio

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 977

You deserved it 2 184

By Anonymous - 03/06/2012 17:43 - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 025

You deserved it 34 870

By man-period? - 02/03/2016 06:48 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up to large spot of blood in my underwear. This wouldn't be too big a deal if I didn't have a penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 434

You deserved it 1 632

By Anonymous - 02/01/2013 11:15 - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 790

You deserved it 2 046

New one

By Anonymous - 07/02/2020 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I closed my eyes while my boyfriend was fingering me, and I felt a cold liquid inside me. I opened my eyes, and he was pouring yogurt into me. He said “I wanted to try something new.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 486

You deserved it 468

It's a witch!

By umm... - 30/03/2020 23:00 - Australia - Canberra

Today, I caught my boyfriend in the bathtub interrogating his penis and "drowning" it when it wouldn't answer him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 826

You deserved it 348

By whoslade - 28/06/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 921

You deserved it 4 590

Meow!

By patronuscat? - 05/10/2017 01:30

Today, I woke up in a guy's bed to one of his cats licking my nipples. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 626

You deserved it 1 064

adamjcurryy 19

Friday 6 February 2015 9:49

I'd love to know the story behind this.

HereNReady 13

Friday 6 February 2015 9:50

I think this may be the first time in 30 years that I literally have nothing to say. Enjoy therapy!

Comments

exuberant_orange 17

Friday 6 February 2015 17:08

I'd like to know the story behind this XD

frozenfreak 5

Friday 6 February 2015 17:33

Dude how?

HeWillBeLoved105 22

Friday 6 February 2015 18:04

Were you partying hard the night before?

LPisLame 16

Friday 6 February 2015 18:56

You got a small dick, dude.

DylanHasClass 17

Friday 6 February 2015 18:57

Milking it much?

Zarokona 9

Friday 6 February 2015 19:24

Became a FML member just to request a follow up to this FML.

night1234 16

Friday 6 February 2015 19:44

Someone wanted to save your man milk, OP.

joshi42 16

Friday 6 February 2015 20:05

Booze. Root of all mysteries.

ZombiePandaFace 7

Friday 6 February 2015 20:09

Got milk?

born_hustla 26

Friday 6 February 2015 20:10

That's definitely not the way I was taught calcium and vitamin absorption.

Keywords

Gifts Money Christmas Lonely Relatable Health Awkward Family Miscellaneous Social Media Technology Narcissistic parents Holidays Love Drunk Poopoo peepee Annoying Animals Dogs Work My ex Religion AITA Shopping Intimacy Am I overreacting? Break-ups Cheating Delivery Furniture

The Top

Today, my ex posted a rant on Facebook about how much he hates this time of year. He ended it with "and now the bitch broke up with me two days before Christmas." He conveniently left out the part where "the bitch" caught him having sex with another woman last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 61

Today, I was eating lunch naked at my home watching porn on the big screen. I heard the garage door opening meaning my roommate was coming home. In my haste to get dressed, I fell back in the barstool I was sitting in and knocked myself out. I woke up still naked and with lettuce all over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 257

You deserved it 79 304

The Top

Today, a girl on my Snapchat list posted a story asking for anybody who was awake to talk to her. Me being awake, I took her up on the request. Her response? "Sorry I didn't mean you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 119

You deserved it 1 648

Today, while babysitting, the power went off. My little cousin pointed into the dark kitchen behind me and asked, "Who's that man standing there?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 771

You deserved it 390

Today, I went to Starbucks to get coffee. The employees told me that there was no more coffee. I started cursing at them and told them that I am in a really big hurry, and that I need coffee every day. They had been yelling back the whole time. Little did I realize, they were saying April Fool's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 522

You deserved it 116 457

Today, I found out my parents' New Year's resolution is to get me to move out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 585

You deserved it 9 549

Today, I got into a wreck thanks to a big flashing sign on the highway that said, "Keep your eyes on the road" that distracted me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 287

You deserved it 17 181

Today, my granddad had to start sleeping in my bedroom. He has flashback dreams to when he was a boxer, and he's already lamped my granny three times in his sleep. I get a camp-bed, and the chance to listen to him snore like a wild boar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 420

You deserved it 2 186

Same thing different taste

New one

It's a witch!

Meow!

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