Miscellaneous: Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl...

By ThatHurts - 14/11/2011 00:11 - Canada

Today, I have two black eyes. The first one I got from the girl whose ass I mistakenly grabbed at a party last night. The other one I got from my girlfriend when I explained the first one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 300

You deserved it 34 577

Winter: Snow and Funny News
Snuggle up and laugh with our winter stories, where snow isn't the only thing sliding around! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By SkinsCastSelection - 17/01/2011 22:50 - France

Today, my girlfriend gave herself a black eye by running into a door. To avoid being teased about her clumsiness, she's telling everyone that I hit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 106

You deserved it 3 665

By DHarman - 25/05/2010 23:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend actually walked into a door and gave herself a black eye. She's too embarrassed to admit it, so she's telling everyone I beat her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 641

You deserved it 4 071

By JohnFarrell - 24/04/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 526

You deserved it 66 025

Silent night

By Anonymous - 16/03/2022 06:00

Today, it was our first time sleeping in the same bed together. She tossed and turned so much, she actually kicked me out onto the floor, so now I have a black eye and a mild concussion. Ta babe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 834

You deserved it 133

By knobbed - 27/01/2014 23:09 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, I got a black eye while trying to break up a fight caused by some complete bastard making a "yo momma" joke at the funeral of my best friend's mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 937

You deserved it 4 885

By hero to zero - 04/07/2011 16:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 133

You deserved it 15 186

It's not a phase, mom!

By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 23:35 - United States

Today, I woke up to see that I had two black eyes from a cheerleading stunt gone wrong yesterday. I decided to curl my hair to distract from them. While curling my hair I accidentally burned my cheek. I now have two black eyes and a huge burn on my cheek. My extended family is coming tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 875

You deserved it 7 268

By anonymous - 09/10/2011 01:20 - Australia

Today, I was play-wrestling with my girlfriend. I ended up with a cut, three bruises on my arm and a black eye. She just giggled the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 274

You deserved it 27 588

By Anonymous - 15/04/2011 00:53 - Canada

Today, during a major argument with my girlfriend, I shoved a door open, which then rebounded and hit me in the face. I'm not sure which is more pathetic: that I was savaged by a door, or that I made up a story about kicking a mugger's ass to explain the huge black eye to my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 620

You deserved it 36 079

Time to run

By Anonymous - 24/06/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, my girlfriend smashed a glass in my face. When I went to the hospital, the first thing the nurse did was ask what I did to upset her, and then muttered that she hoped I'd learned a lesson. FML

I agree, your life sucks 772

You deserved it 98

BoredomCentral 8

Monday 14 November 2011 8:54

Oh man. That sucks. Well, you managed to piss off two people in one night. Good job.

mannykiddo 3

Monday 14 November 2011 9:07

Today, you are a raccoon.

Comments

LennyComa 39

Monday 14 November 2011 14:47

Smooth move casanova

cherryllollo 7

Monday 14 November 2011 15:24

maybe he thought it was his girlfriends ass?

mandypandypants 4

Monday 14 November 2011 15:39

What do you tell a bitch with two black eyes? Nothing you already told him twice.

gene818 13

Monday 14 November 2011 15:52

So now you look like a panda. FYL

Poetaster 10

Monday 14 November 2011 15:54

Even a novice would have told the gf anything but the truth on this one. Your FML is not having a brain, the black eyes were a bonus.

cocobulla1 4

Monday 14 November 2011 16:03

Oh yah... "accidentally " :P

SociopathicSmurf 6

Monday 14 November 2011 16:39

A. The first girl is a complete bitch for thinking it is execeptable to punch someone in the face over a tiny ass-grabbing. B. Get a new girlfriend, or just hit it and quit it, because she seriously has some jealousy issues. Feminists don't want equality, they want superiority. That's why whenever they scream and bitch about wanting to be treated equal, they freak out when a guy punches them back. As a female, I have no gender double standards, and as a rational person, I know that sex is purely physically, and it has absolutely nothing to do with love, and that if your girlfriend is going to assult you over this, it's best to get out now. You should really teach her a god damn lesson, in equality, and in reality. The reality is, is that when you punch someone, you get punched back. Please, teach her to stop being such a c**t, grow some testicles, and hit her back.

jumble 12

Monday 14 November 2011 18:53

Sex is not always purely physical. A lot of people only have sex if they actually love the person and want to be closer with them. There's no reason for OP to just hit it and quit it. He should leave because his girlfriend is abusive about something that shouldn't even result in violence. Unless it was a multiple offense in the same day, then someone should really stop that.

icic6772 0

Monday 14 November 2011 16:46

At least you'll look even.

stacianichole 2

Monday 14 November 2011 16:54

Get your panties out of a knot, hooters girl. It is NEEEEVER okay to haul off and punch someone in the face. Its simple assault. And to say a guy deserves more than a black eye for grabbing a girls butt - even if it wasn't by accident...you've got some anger issues. Maybe you can't handle guys drooling over you at your job. Apply at Appleby's?