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How's it going?

By initforthewrongreasons - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I texted my exes, not because I missed them, but because I wanted to know how their pets were doing. This holds true for at least four relationships. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 827

You deserved it 1 501

Sensitive

By Anonymous - 19/02/2024 08:00

Today, even though I told my son I had vegan burgers for him, he brought enough vegan food for everyone at a barbecue, and tried to get everyone to try it. Not one person ate a damn bit of it, and he’s now crying, all while blocking our drive with his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 642

You deserved it 224

Pure evil

By Anonymous - 28/11/2023 00:00

Today, my son got in an argument with my boyfriend, packed up his stuff, and moved in with his dad. Not five minutes later I saw my boyfriend doing his stupid happy dance. When angrily confronted, he admitted he orchestrated every argument for months until he got the result he wanted, my son gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 366

You deserved it 1 037

Clapped

By frennyy - 04/06/2024 10:00 - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because I gave him an STD I didn’t know I had. Before sleeping together, he asked me to get tested. Feeling lazy, I got some fake test results from Google Images. He called me a few weeks later, saying he has the clap. I told him he must've got it from someone else. He was a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 1 450

Old timey

By Anonymous - 06/09/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, while on a blind date, I told her in no uncertain terms that if I got married, my wife would need to be a housewife. She burst out laughing and asked, "Dude, do you even HAVE a house?" and walked out laughing when I said I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 1 627

Run for the hills

By Glume - 10/12/2023 17:00 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a fight. We yelled for 20 minutes and then he put his hands on my neck. Once we'd calmed down, he explained he wanted to strangle me like Homer does Bart, but didn't follow through. This all started when I asked if he read a text I sent earlier in the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 694

You deserved it 161

Night time entertainment

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 283

You deserved it 433

Thanks Aldi

By *Chomp* *Chomp* - 26/04/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I found out that if you put tea bags into a cup of hot water, the tea bags will melt. The result: You get to drink and chew tea leaves at the same time, with little bits of actual tea to help make them go down. 0/10, do not recommend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 108

You deserved it 474

How the turntables…

By You gotta be kidding me - 25/12/2023 09:00 - United States

Today, my wife announced her support for Donald Trump for president, someone who vehemently is against immigrants. She herself is an immigrant from Colombia, who became a naturalized US citizen last year. She became this way because she was undocumented and I, a US citizen, married her so she could have papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 579

You deserved it 443

Watch the world crumble

By Anonymous - 06/06/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I found out that the drop dead gorgeous fun bubbly woman I hit it off with is actually a disgusting, scheming whore who seduces married men, then blackmails them for money. I can’t afford to pay her, nor can I afford my wife to find out. I’m screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 1 842

Can't win

By Anonymous - 06/01/2024 18:00 - United States

Today, if I don't do work around the house, my girlfriend will call me a lazy pig and yell at me. If I do, she will yell because I didn't do it the right way. If I ask her to clarify the right way, she will call me a dumbass, give useless instructions, and work herself up into yelling at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 258

Nice guy NPC #8777

By Thomas - 29/12/2023 05:00 - United States - Wentzville

Today, after years of trying to get with my best friend, whom I've loved for years and years, she still won't get with me and would rather go back to her abusive narcissist ex who talks mad shit on her and treats her like shit. I've told her how beautiful she is every morning for years, but won't give me a try. Nice guys never win. FML

I agree, your life sucks 251

You deserved it 1 598

An accident?

By Clayton - 12/11/2024 06:00 - United States

Today, I lost yet another girlfriend because my ex tells every girl I go out with that I cheated on her. She DMs them screenshots of what I did. I know I’m no saint, but all that was 6 months ago, and it was an accident. I can’t change the past, but I can be sorry for what I did. I just can’t win in this situation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 1 116

Open relationship?

By Olenka - 29/02/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I caught my husband in bed with his side chick yet again. Two weeks ago he promised me he wouldn’t do it again, and last Saturday I caught him again. Today marks the fourth time. We’ve been together for eight years and have three children. FML

I agree, your life sucks 301

You deserved it 961

Very risky move

By Meh meh - 10/05/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, as I was trying to impress my girlfriend of three months, I showed her the real diamond ring I'd got for my ex. She got an attitude for our whole three-hour car ride home because I'd brought up my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70

You deserved it 1 461

Passive parenting

By Anonymous - 16/10/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, my 6 year-old son has been using his tablet before bed, and he has been staying up until 12am when his bedtime is 8pm. I think his tablet is why, since he plays games and watches YouTube before bed. He also has the tablet in bed while he’s sleeping. Why does he need to use his tablet overnight? FML

I agree, your life sucks 41

You deserved it 1 231

Self report

By Criminy - 04/01/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, I went on yet another date with this beautiful young lady from my job. I can’t help but feel bad because ever since my wife gave birth to our kid she’s been sluggish and puffy, and I’m not attracted to her anymore, but I don’t know how to leave her because my son would be without a father. I hate this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98

You deserved it 2 451

Call CPS

By LaurenJ - 18/06/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I went to my 19 year-old daughter’s apartment when I heard her baby crying. I have a spare key so I opened the door to find her crying in her rocker. I called my daughter and it turns out she went on a weekend to Malibu with her friends and she “left her some milk and a bowl of Cheerios. She’ll be alright.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 155

Healthy goals

By Sana Kim - 10/03/2024 14:00 - United States

Today, I had decided to fast after my cheat weekend, because I gained four pounds. I'm aiming to be 103 lbs, but after my cheat weekend I was 106 lbs. Somehow, my weight is not moving at all and I've been fasting for two days. I don't think I can do this anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 768

Damn algorithm

By a survivor - 31/03/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, no matter what I do, Facebook won't stop showing me pitbulls on my feed. I've been nearly killed by one a dozen times in completely unprovoked attacks, even ones owned by perfectly good people, so it triggers a panic response whenever I see one. Take your ugly murder beasts somewhere else, for fuck's sake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 419

You deserved it 454

Tasty

By chew toy - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I went to see my sister and took a couple of dog biscuits for her dog. I forgot about them until later when I realised I had a hole in my pocket, near my crotch. The dog pointed this out by chomping my balls to get to the biscuits. My attempts to remove him resulted in more vigorous chewing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 552

You deserved it 962

Stellar parenting

By joi9496 - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, at age 23, I met my absentee father. He went on about how much he missed me and wanted to know more about me. He then asked if I knew where he could get some good weed, and said he'd share it to make up for all the missed birthdays and Christmases. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 703

You deserved it 471

We were on a break!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 602

You deserved it 458

Everyone can be a 7

By Olivia - 24/07/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, I quit dating forever. I’m an overweight girl with glasses. I attempted to put flattering selfies on dating profiles, but the guys run from me or ghost me when I meet them in person. I took a friend’s advice and put honest, full body pics of myself. I got zero messages. None. I give up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 326

Fear & Malding

By Shaving it off - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, when I showed someone my 9-year old passport, she commented, “You look so different! Now you have that Jason Statham thing going on!” My hair goes down to my shoulders; this confirms that my receding hairline is real and it’s time to come to grips. At least I’m over 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 228

You deserved it 543

Belief it or not

By Anonymous - 19/02/2024 23:00

Today, every boyfriend I’ve ever had dumped me because they realised I was serious about saving myself until marriage. I’m now in my late 30s, single, and childless. My sister, whose knickers were up and down like a yo-yo in high school, is happily married with 3 great kids. Religion is for idiots. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 1 225

Combo breaker

By Anonymous - 18/04/2024 19:00

Today, in the middle of an argument, my husband picked me up and sat me on our breakfast bar. I’m terrified of heights so getting down took me over 5 minutes because of how bad I was shaking. He left to meet his friends, who “don’t start arguments just because they’re bored.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 824

I'm an empath

By Anonymous - 25/11/2023 16:00

Today, after years of miscarriages and desperately wanting a child, I lost my temper and screamed at my sister after she announced she'd had an abortion last month. Now no one in the family will speak to me, since I referred to her adopted kids as, "Not really her children." FML

I agree, your life sucks 172

You deserved it 1 782

Play stupid games…

By Boomerang - 04/06/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I thought I’d get revenge on my cheating husband by seducing the woman he’s been seeing behind my back. Unfortunately, even though I’ve never been attracted to women, I’ve inexplicably fallen head over heels in love with her. What now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 127

You deserved it 898

Good one, nice

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I found a leather book in my husband's sock drawer with "BRO CODE" on the front. It was blank except for the last page, which said, "NICE TRY SUSAN BUT EVERYONE KNOWS BRO CODE IS UNWRITTEN AND FOR GUYS ONLY". Well-played, husband. Well-played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 454

You deserved it 5 170

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The Top

Today, my jobless husband wants to buy the latest iPhone. His current phone is in good condition, except that he has a 1000 apps on it slowing it down. We're also in deeply crushing debt from all his bad financial decisions from his severely loss-making business. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 169

You deserved it 182

Today, yet again I had to lie to a date about what I do for a living, because every time I tell someone the truth, that I work in private equity, they have some choice words about "people like me ruining things" and "ruining the housing prices." I feel like an evil James Bond or something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149

You deserved it 521

The Top

Today, I must find a gentle way to tell my 71-year-old mother that she's too old to be wearing shirts that expose her belly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 264

You deserved it 3 204

Today, I went swimming. As I was getting out of the very crowded pool a little girl ran up to me pointed and yelled, "Mommy, I want big boobies like that when I grow up." I'm 16. I'm a boy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 087

You deserved it 25 594

Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 772

You deserved it 9 263

Today, I sent a "just checking in!" email to a client who hasn't replied in weeks. They replied immediately, but I'd forgotten to delete the part where I called them "The Ghost of Projects Past." Now I’m praying for either forgiveness… or just more ghosting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 486

Today, I graduated with a CS degree and a certification in networking, only to make $12/hr. Guess some trade jobs are worthless now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 855

You deserved it 363

Today, as I was driving to work, I got a flat tire. While attempting to replace said tire, I got mugged. The guy took all my money, my iPod, cellphone, and CDs. When I finally called my boss to explain my situation, he fired me. Why? Because I was late and had an "overactive imagination." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 039

You deserved it 2 512