All the FMLs

Word of advice: Run

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 10:00

Today, I’m in love with a man, but he has a girlfriend. We have literally talked everyday for almost a year. He tells me he loves me and wants to marry me, but when I asked him if he wanted to marry his girlfriend, he responded, “I’m not sure…” I just want to be with him, and I feel stupid for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 276

You deserved it 1 288

KEEP OUT

By Awkward - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Redmond

Today, my neighbor put up an electric fence to keep my five-year-old son out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 422

You deserved it 15 469

All shook up

By Anonymous - 12/11/2022 06:00 - Germany

Today, I realized that apparently there are only two general states of mind in my life: 1) Utter mental and physical exhaustion while wondering whether my job has irrevocably ruined my health yet, or 2) depression and latent panic for being an unemployed loser with no stable income. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 146

Sneaky sneezy

By Worn Out - 11/11/2022 21:00 - United States

Today, I sneezed four times in succession. The problem is that I've never sneezed more than three times in a row in my life, so the fourth one came as such a shock to me that I accidentally banged my head on my desk when it occurred. FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 291

Time for tinnitus

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 18:00 - United States - Cecil

Today, my roommate shouted his entire part of the conversation at the dinner table. He refuses to get his hearing checked, nor lower his voice, so now my ears hurt for the rest of the evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 105

Pleased to meet you

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 22:00

Today, I answered the door at my boyfriend's house to an obese woman, who looked and smelled homeless, and rudely tried to barge past me to get inside. I told her to get out or I’d call the police. My boyfriend behind me saw this disgusting woman and said those two awful words: “Hi Mom.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 464

Nice try

By Timeless - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I decided to brush up on my flirting skills and ask a guy I thought was kind of cute what time it was. He pointed to the very visible watch on my wrist and said, "You should know already." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 381

You deserved it 56 592

It's all too much

By dreams2383 - 11/11/2022 11:00 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at 4:30 a.m., I hit a deer on the freeway on my way to work. I've only had this car for 6 months and it's totaled. I had to wait hours for a tow. On his way to pick me up, my husband's radiator blew and his serpentine belt shredded. I also missed a day of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 062

You deserved it 103

Hip To Be Square

By 34goingon80 - 11/11/2022 10:00 - Canada - London

Today, I’m going to the pre-op appointment for my second hip replacement before the age of 35. My first was at 23. The doctors have no idea why I have the arthritic hips of an 80 year-old. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1 008

You deserved it 84

The Teachers Are Afraid of the Pupils

By JFC - 11/11/2022 14:00

Today, I watched as a bully told a kid, "I wish someone would staple your mouth shut so you would never talk again" right in front of the teacher. The teacher definitely heard it. She didn't get written up for it. Not even a verbal warning. I would pay to see a teacher actually punish someone in this school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 064

You deserved it 120

Seek help

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 12:00

Today, it's 4 in the morning and I can't sleep because of my blocked left nostril. It's been a month now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 128

The body keeps the score

By Dominik - 11/11/2022 10:00 - Netherlands

Today, I ate 30 chocolate pocket brownies, two caramel chocolates, two Budweisers. All of that while on my breaks at work. I'm a guy and I'm worried about getting diabetes while i'm actually craving more chocolate and sugar treats, my body is getting weaker, I'm getting dumber, fatter, and slower as we speak. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 1 194

All over the place

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was pulled over and administered a sobriety test due to an officer's suspicion that I was driving under the influence. I was completely sober, and, apparently, I suck at driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 415

You deserved it 12 121

BO issues

By morgan - 11/11/2022 06:00

Today, my girlfriend showered ten times, used an entire tube of deodorant, and continued to stink. It’s been like this for the past week, despite it being cold outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 822

You deserved it 123

Who's in charge?

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 04:00

Today, I’ve been asking both my health insurance and the clinic in question under which circumstances an elective procedure would be covered by insurance. Each one of them tells me that the other has to make the decision. FML

I agree, your life sucks 792

You deserved it 92

Preservation

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 02:00 - Germany

Today, we were cleaning out my grandma’s freezer and found a perfectly preserved dead weasel, which she had put in there for some reason after the cat had killed it. My mom’s cat from when she was a child, that is. My mom is 64 now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 892

You deserved it 81

Package deal

By Anonymous - 11/11/2022 00:00 - France

Today, my spoiled step-daughter had extra chores to do for breaking the rules. She called my wife at work, complained about the chores, then my wife called me and said that she didn't want to deal with the drama. It ended with, "Make her do something else!" WTF! She chooses her own punishment! I hate this kid, seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 000

You deserved it 258

Yup, cool

By fiddlercrab - 10/11/2022 22:00

Today, I had the pleasure of having a kidney stones removal procedure where they hammer your kidneys to break up the stones. Afterwards, the doctor called my wife over the intercom to come to back to the waiting room. She freaks out, runs back, and the doctor says, “I just wanted to show this stone. Cool huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 776

You deserved it 116

Let it all out

By Username - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, my four year-old daughter pulled her pants down in the middle of Best Buy. Apparently, you can smell the farts better when they don't have to pass through clothing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 912

You deserved it 5 429

Kids these days…

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 18:00

Today, I became a grandmother. At 44 years-old. My son is 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 952

You deserved it 304

Failed the taste test

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 10:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, I was feeling nauseous so I decided to take some Pepto Bismol. However, the fake cherry flavor immediately made me vomit all over the kitchen floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 761

You deserved it 132

Impatient fish

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 08:00 - Australia

Today, two of my daughter's fish died after owning them for a year. Yesterday I spent $400 on a new bigger fish tank so that they would be happier. I built the stand, set it up, and got everything running. All I had to do was let it run for a week so that the pH would be fine for them, and then move them across. FML

I agree, your life sucks 771

You deserved it 163

Fix that lock

By embarrassed - 10/11/2022 12:00

Today, I went to the bathroom. I locked the stall door, but got walked in on anyway. This is the eighth time this has happened this week, and multiple people think I’m just too stupid to lock the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 719

You deserved it 213

Who's a good boy?

By Hey buddy - 10/11/2022 10:00

Today, my dog celebrated my coming home by slapping me in the junk repeatedly with his tail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 610

You deserved it 184

Creepy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Virgin Islands British

Today, I saw a picture of my creepy uncle and me on Facebook, which he had captioned "Me and my woman," and posted several lewd comments on. I guess he forgot I'm his friend on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 149

You deserved it 2 522

Wait, what?

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 06:00

Today, my friend got drunk with me and texted my boyfriend, saying she was in love with him and missed him. Her brother came to my house since she got caught drunk and gave a “lecture” on responsibility. I don't know what’s worse, the lecture or the fact that he’s my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 701

You deserved it 172

Disillusioned

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 04:00

Today, it's six months until I graduate and I don't have a single skill that can get me placed in any company, but worst part is that I don't even want to work to acquire any skill. I'm fucking useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 285

You deserved it 855

Suspicious

By SEND HELP - 09/11/2022 19:00 - United States

Today, I keep killing flies in my room, probably dozens on a daily basis, and yet every day there seems to be more of them. I have to sleep backwards in my bed so the droning of the fan drowns out the buzzing noise, or else I can't sleep. Even then, I sometimes jump awake when one lands on my ear, which is often. FML

I agree, your life sucks 707

You deserved it 196

Soapy

By Anonymous - 10/11/2022 00:00

Today, like every morning, I washed my mouthguard with bar soap. Tonight, though, I realized I hadn’t rinsed as well as I should have, there's soap between my teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 261

You deserved it 687

Cool moves

By UUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGHHHH - 09/11/2022 22:00

Today, I tried to open my water bottle, which is like trying to open a pickle jar, and after several seconds, it exploded all over my desk and clothes. Then, when I was going to get paper towels and a change of clothes, I slipped on the puddle and hit my head on my desk as I came crashing down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 186

Keywords

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The Top

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 237

You deserved it 5 157

Today, my laptop was slow so I used my husband’s laptop. I went to the bedroom and found it opened, so I moved the trackpad and it powered on. The first thing I see is a page with redhead porn, and another tab with nude redheads. You know who else is a redhead? The new girl at his job he tells me not to worry about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 132

The Top

Today, I had my girlfriend over to meet my parents. After dinner, we were in the living room talking. My dad thought it would be funny to grab our cat, stick it down his shirt, then pretend to give birth to it, with sound effects. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 440

You deserved it 2 534

Today, my mother started arguing with me once again about how my life revolves around my girlfriend and how it's unhealthy to spend so much time with her. We live together and are engaged to be married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 931

You deserved it 168

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be sexy to pick me up and throw me on the bed. I rolled off and broke my collarbone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 659

You deserved it 4 265

Today, my brother came out to our parents. They weren't super happy with it, but they said that it was ok since they still had a straight son. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 622

You deserved it 520

Today, I was at a wedding and caught the bouquet. My boyfriend of five years panicked and proposed on the spot, thinking I was hinting at something. I just wanted to catch some flowers, but I had to tell him to get a grip without hurting his feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 384

You deserved it 687

Today, I'm spending the night at my family’s house. I have to share a room with my two kids and their mother. The three of them snore like warthogs in a zoo. Desperate for sleep, I went to go sleep on the couch. The dog sleeping on the rug snores like an old truck. I’m never going to get any sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 395

You deserved it 224