All the FMLs

Leave me alone!

By Anonymous - 18/09/2024 06:00 - United Kingdom - York

Today, I got chased by a duck. Not just any duck, the same duck that has chased me every morning for a week. I’m starting to think it has a personal vendetta against me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 126

For better, for worse

By limegreengiraffe - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Lubbock

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 857

You deserved it 7 466

Where would we be without GPS?

By Anonymous - 18/09/2024 00:00 - Canada

Today, I followed my GPS exactly for directions to my job interview. I ended up at a petting zoo. I was too embarrassed to admit my mistake, so I pretended to pet a goat before leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 143

You deserved it 417

Skittish

By Anonymous - 17/09/2024 22:00 - Germany

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by jumping into his arms. He panicked, stepped aside, and I crashed into the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 482

Miss you

By Anonymous - 17/09/2024 20:00 - United States

Today, I saw a text from my mom asking, “Are you still with that girl from last year? I miss her.” She was talking about my ex. The girl I’m dating now saw the message before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 447

You deserved it 85

Eco-friendly

By izhamilton - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 476

You deserved it 2 847

No tip for you

By Anonymous - 17/09/2024 15:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my Italian boyfriend claims his dad owned a restaurant and taught him everything he knows. His dad must have worked at a McDonald’s then because my boyfriend is the only Italian I’ve met who overcooks pasta into mush, can’t season tomato sauce properly, and thinks Domino’s makes good pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 129

My brain hates me

By This is a nightmare - 17/09/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, my anxiety decided to play a new trick: When I'm trying to go to sleep, I get anxious about having nightmares. It sure does wonders for my insomnia, which I've otherwise completely controlled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 377

You deserved it 85

Thanks for that, whoever you are

By Anonymous - 17/09/2024 08:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that somewhere out there someone has written my phone number on a pub bathroom wall, because now every couple of days or weeks I get random calls from heavy breathing pervs, or from guys wanting to know if I’m available, and how much I charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 442

You deserved it 76

Grief and capitalism

By Sad - 17/09/2024 12:00 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was accused of faking tears and lying about my pop's death to get out of work. I was even demoted for being "a liar and untrustworthy." I went home to grieve after finding out he only has a few days left to live. That man raised me. I feel totally broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 576

You deserved it 81

Bystander

By Chops - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. When I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 315

You deserved it 4 523

Clever AND funny

By Hell naw - 17/09/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I found out my seven-year-old nephew has worked out my phone’s passcode, which admittedly is pretty basic. He also knows how to send texts. How did I find out? By receiving a reply to the message he sent my boss that said, “Your stinky, you suck, big boobie.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 138

Mummy's boy

By anon - 16/09/2024 22:00 - Australia

Today, for some reason, I called my boss "Mum" in a meeting. To make it worse, I panicked and followed it up with, “Can I have a raise?” Everyone laughed except my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 150

You deserved it 399

Anhedonia

By dead inside - 16/09/2024 13:00 - United States

Today, my depression has reached the point where I don't even have the energy to seriously pursue any hobbies. Any time I find the motivation to try something new, I immediately get discouraged at the slightest difficulties, and become even more depressed. I don't even know why I'm trying anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 433

You deserved it 120

Fuzzy memory

By Kreen - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 227

You deserved it 44 979

How do people still get caught out like this?

By Fern - 16/09/2024 16:00 - Canada

Today, I was sat in front of my computer, waiting for a Zoom meeting with my coworkers to start. I started doing interpretive dance arm movements to the jazzy funky hold music. Turns out that the camera wasn’t off, and everyone was silently watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 132

You deserved it 509

Drama!

By Anonymous - 16/09/2024 14:00 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I tried to make a dramatic exit after arguing with my flatmate. I slammed the door, but the handle broke, and I had to ask him for help to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82

You deserved it 505

What?

By Fuck you dad - 16/09/2024 05:00 - United States

Today, whenever my dad says something and I (genuinely) don't hear him, he repeats it in an extremely slow and condescending manner. My family says I should "get a sense of humor" because I'm rightfully pissed about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 368

You deserved it 154

Leftovers

By Anonymous - 16/09/2024 09:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to my cat licking my face. Cute, right? Turns out, she was licking the crumbs off my cheek from last night's pizza party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 498

Woof

By Anonymous - 16/09/2024 00:00 - United States - Salisbury

Today, I woke up with pink eye. Trying to avoid going to the doctor, I searched through my cabinet for an old RX of antibiotic eyedrops. I found a tube of antibiotic ointment labeled “For optic use only.” Only after putting in my eye did I Google what it was: Dog eye ointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60

You deserved it 676

Smooth sailing

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Puerto Rico

Today, I was messing around in computer class when somebody called my name from the hall. Trying to be smooth, I tried rolling my chair backwards out into the hall. The wheels wasted no time jamming and sending me crashing face-first into the floor in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 327

You deserved it 27 431

Just vibing

By Anonymous - 15/09/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, it was our first kid-free weekend in almost two months, and I was hoping for a nice date night. Instead, she picked up two shifts at work and then had a girls' night. Don't worry, she assigned me a massive deep clean that ate up almost my entire weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 141

Projection

By Anonymous - 15/09/2024 16:00 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found out why my boyfriend doesn't want me to get a full-time job, despite us needing the money. He's scared that I'll cheat on him with one of my coworkers, to get back at him for doing it a few years ago. I never knew he cheated on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 95

Company policy

By Anonymous - 15/09/2024 13:00 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I just wanted to let Spectrum Internet know that there's a wire down a block north of me, but all they wanted to do was schedule a fucking appointment for ME! Why are there so many fucking idiots in this goddamn world? FML

I agree, your life sucks 396

You deserved it 90

Fight me, loser

By mrmidi - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 - A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 - If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 856

You deserved it 4 380

Scammers all the way down

By Anonymous - 15/09/2024 10:00 - United States

Today, and for the past 2 years, my aunt has owed me money. She just admitted that she fell for a scam, and gave the scammer more than double the amount I'd loaned her. I felt bad for her… until I realized something. When I asked how she had it to give to them, but not to pay me back, she got mad and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 79

Targetted

By Anonymous - 15/09/2024 08:00 - United States - Miami

Today, for the second time this year, my motorcycle has been stolen, with no hope of recovery. The thieves even tore out the GPS tracking unit I'd installed to prevent it happening again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 438

You deserved it 68

Cool family vibes

By Anonymous - 15/09/2024 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and son had their first DIY project. Less than 30 minutes later, our son’s crying in his room. Turns out my husband is just like his dad. “WHY ARE YOU STANDING DOING NOTHING? PASS ME THE THING. NOT THAT THING, THE OTHER THING. HERE, I’LL DO IT MYSELF. PAY ATTENTION, GOD DAMMIT.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 489

You deserved it 108

Oh no…

By Anonymous - 15/09/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I woke up at 1 a.m., after having a nightmare that I was pregnant. I took pregnancy test, and… baby boy or girl in May 2025? FML

I agree, your life sucks 349

You deserved it 264

The babysitter's handbook

By ACHOOOOOOO - 14/09/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I am babysitting my niece for the first time. After getting her to go to sleep, I felt a sudden urge to sneeze. My sneezes are loud as hell. Attempts to dampen the sound were unsuccessful. My colossal sneeze scared the bejesus out of her, waking her up again, and now she's afraid of me. What do I do now? FML

I agree, your life sucks 386

You deserved it 166

Keywords

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The Top

Well. I must admit when I first received today's illustration, seeing the massive pliers pop out kind of freaked me out. Then I reached the last panel and I'm not sure if it's out of anxiety relief or what, but I laughed so hard I might have choked a...

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I tried to talk to my teenage son about healthy masculinity. He said, "Yeah Mom, I know. Lift weights and eat red meat and fish. Can I go?" Not what I meant at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 242

You deserved it 361

The Top

Today, it's my last day of work at my job of two and a half years. I organised to have coffee with my coworkers at a cafe. Only I turned up. I had my farewell coffee alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 533

You deserved it 467

Today, I was driving to work and I had to pee really badly. I am a teacher and my school was another 20 miles so I stopped on the side of the road. About halfway through, a bus full of laughing kids went by. They were all my students. My pants were down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 227

You deserved it 47 286

Today, the prison program I work for has been shut down for months due to Covid, but my bosses have been having us sitting at our desks, doing nothing, in proximity to the inmates. I guess they'd rather pay us to be exposed than to stay safe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 202

Today, I picked up a warm blanket that just came out of the dryer. Despite wearing pants, the static electricity from the blanket delivered a shock straight to my crotch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 212

You deserved it 4 237

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 739

You deserved it 6 410

Today, as I was crossing to the US, I got pulled over by border patrol for looking "suspicious". The female cop searched my purse and found a condom. She smirked and said, "I doubt you'd ever need that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 422

You deserved it 4 790