All the FMLs

Science, bitch!

By Anonymous - 26/07/2024 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, one of my twin sons found out he's going to be a dad. His little sister who loves science ended up telling him that, since he has a twin who is genetically identical, he's genetically the baby's dad too. My son, being a bit dim, took this to mean his brother slept with his wife and hit him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 114

Smells like… victory

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, they're pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I'm three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 695

You deserved it 3 943

Jacked

By Gertland - 26/07/2024 16:00 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, I went to the gym and approached a machine I had never used before. After a few minutes of awkward attempts, an instructor came over and politely informed me I was using it completely wrong. The worst part? It was the stretching machine, and I thought it was for abs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 273

You deserved it 242

How come you were there?

By Anonymous - 26/07/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, my best friend is mad at me for "letting my paranoia ruin her relationship." I've been telling her for months now that I don't trust her boyfriend's female best friend, but she never listened to me. Guess who I caught in bed together a few hours ago while my best friend was at work? FML

I agree, your life sucks 484

You deserved it 89

Astronomical

By Anonymous - 26/07/2024 12:00 - Australia

Today, my phone alarm went off at 3 AM. I don't remember setting it, but it turns out I'd somehow activated an old "Wake up for a meteor shower" reminder. Despite it being the wrong day by months, I got up, looked outside, and only then did my brain kick into gear and I realized it was set for the wrong date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 182

Dramatic

By FML - 26/07/2024 02:00 - United States

Today, I was on my period, so I felt a little emotional, and asked my boyfriend for some attention. He said he needed ten minutes to finish his game with his friend. I laid down on the floor and started crying hysterically. He broke up with me and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149

You deserved it 1 209

Jump around

By Anonymous - 26/07/2024 05:00

Today, I was on a one day business trip to America, literally, one day, I didn’t even need a hotel, just straight back to the airport. I woke up in hospital, an AMERICAN hospital, because I got a blood clot from the flight and needed surgery. The bill is astronomical and I’m uninsured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 680

You deserved it 139

At least you tried, son

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Australia - Canberra

Today, while trying to score a date, I almost made a girl pass out. No, I didn't try to chloroform her, I just came across as so pathetic that she laughed hard enough to have an asthma attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 278

You deserved it 3 264

Oh no you don't!

By Anonymous - 26/07/2024 00:00 - United States

Today, I woke up to my partner showering me with love and gifts. Confused, I asked, "What's the occasion?" It was our anniversary. Not only had I forgotten, but I'd also scheduled a gaming marathon with friends for the entire day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68

You deserved it 855

Chill out, mate

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 21:00

Today, I learned that when you tell an employee with anger issues that he’s had too many sick days due to being hungover, there's a high chance you will be hoisted off the ground by your shirt front and thrown into a drainage ditch full of stagnant water and a dead fox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 570

You deserved it 96

What did you say?

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 12:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, whenever I get into arguments, I end up mixing up words. I was trying to prove a point by saying a type of chips, and was debating between Dorito chips or BBQ chips. I ended up saying "burrito chips." I said my friend would "sell me out for a bag of burrito chips." FML

I agree, your life sucks 156

You deserved it 309

Paranoid

By rockefoe - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was studying late and kept hearing weird screeching sounds from outside. I couldn't figure out what it was and started getting really freaked out. It wasn't until later that I realized it was just my nose whistling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 962

You deserved it 33 808

Foolproof

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 16:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a package addressed to my husband. I thought it was a surprise gift for me, so I excitedly opened it. It turned out to be a 3-foot tall realistic-looking penguin. Confused, I asked him about it. He sheepishly admitted he'd bought it to scare off the neighbor's cat, who's been using our garden as a litter tray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 717

How red are these flags?

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I'm in a situation where I'm in a relationship, but he doesn't talk to me at all. He love-bombed me at first, and now I'm not sure how to even talk to him. I hardly know anything about him. I wanna break up but we got together like two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 145

You deserved it 569

Time is on my side

By Old soul - 25/07/2024 05:00 - United States - Steele

Today, I, a person who will be 21 in a few months, was mistaken for my mom's older brother. My mom is in her fifties. Apparently this is becoming increasingly common, because the world sucks. I didn't realize it was affecting me this badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 138

Old dog, new tricks

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 00:00 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, for my mom's birthday, I couldn't figure out what to get her, so I just took some of her jewelry, wrapped it up, and re-gifted it. She recognized it instantly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36

You deserved it 1 365

What is wrong with you?

By Anonymous - 25/07/2024 05:00

Today, our dog is a racist. No other way to say it. We’ve had her since she was born, raised her just like our other dogs, but every time we try to take her for a walk, if she spots a black person, any black person, she barks at them, and once almost bit someone. We don’t know what to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 442

You deserved it 160

Costume parties are the worst

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party dressed as a Pinata. Drunk people tried to hit me all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 563

You deserved it 57 482

A bit late for that

By Anonymous - 24/07/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, I realized that my only chance of being promoted was if I moved to a bigger city… twenty years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 367

You deserved it 112

You can't do anything these days!

By I want a divorce! - 24/07/2024 13:00 - United States - Anaheim

Today, even though I told him not to, my husband tried the old “pull a shotgun on your daughter’s date” thing. It turns out the kid’s mom is a lawyer and his uncle is a cop. Now my husband is under investigation for a hate crime, because the kid is a different race than us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 564

You deserved it 357

Great party

By Anonymous - 24/07/2024 19:00

Today, what should have been a nice family dinner ended with my wife standing over me, staring me dead in the eyes, while endlessly repeating, “Get him out of my house, get him out of my house…” until I agreed to take my drunk brother to a hotel to sleep it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 119

You deserved it 752

Ciao!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: her job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 642

You deserved it 3 163

Cash machine

By Loser Ninong - 24/07/2024 20:00 - Philippines - Makati City

Today, my sister attempted to get me to fund her daughter, my godchild's, birthday party. I told her I would give her 200 (which isn't much). Our mom "intervened" by cussing me out for being a cheap ass piece of shit. I was about to give her $200, which is A LOT in our currency when exchanged. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469

You deserved it 109

Honey, time to move

By Anonymous - 24/07/2024 11:00

Today, I told my mom that I’m pregnant. My husband and I live in a cottage on her land, and her actual words were, “Well you better abort it, because you’re not having any baby in my cottage. The piss, shit, and sick will ruin the resale value.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 633

You deserved it 180

Everyone can be a 7

By Olivia - 24/07/2024 03:00 - United States

Today, I quit dating forever. I’m an overweight girl with glasses. I attempted to put flattering selfies on dating profiles, but the guys run from me or ghost me when I meet them in person. I took a friend’s advice and put honest, full body pics of myself. I got zero messages. None. I give up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415

You deserved it 326

OCD or asshole?

By Ellie - 23/07/2024 23:00 - United States

Today, I got home to my grandma yelling at the top of her lungs that I didn't do everything I was supposed to when I was home. I literally washed dishes, cleaned counters, vacuumed, gathered trash, AND cleaned the bathroom. I didn't fold my blankets. That's it. That's what she was yelling about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 496

You deserved it 100

Are you new here?

By rent-a-cop - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Canada - Toronto

Today, as a condominium security guard, I had to enter an old lady's apartment to supervise the mandatory maintenance taking place inside. I commented on the lakeside view from her window and mentioned, "This is a pretty nice view up here isn't it?" It turns out that she's blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 216

You deserved it 7 391

Sneaking around

By Anonymous - 23/07/2024 18:00 - United States - Elkton

Today, and as of late, my girlfriend of 6 months has been getting distant with me, but reassures me that she still loves me. I found out she was hanging out with her ex-girlfriend of two years. They even went out to dinner, and she didn't tell me. I was planning on taking her out tonight too, and I only found out because my friend ran into them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 113

Backstabber!

By Betrayed - 23/07/2024 16:00 - United States

Today, my friend, who is dating an ex of mine, posted a story on her Instagram of their dating history. Met in 2020; First Date: 2021; Became Official: 2022. I introduced them in 2020 and he broke up with the, “It’s not you it’s me” excuse in 2022. I feel like she put a dagger through my heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 96

Emotional

By Abigail - 23/07/2024 14:00 - United States - Penn Yan

Today, I was crying over my favorite artist dying (as I often do). I was home alone, watching his documentary/movie in my living room, and I started crying REALLY HARD. It was the loudest and hardest I've ever cried. Guess who showed up to the house? The cops. The neighbors thought I was dying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 171

You deserved it 639

Keywords

Miscellaneous Relatable Embarrassing Awkward Health Love Relationship advice Am I overreacting? Work Weird AITA Dating Sleep Annoying Parents Mental health Furniture Kids Friends Gross Public freakouts Fight Neighbours Cops Drugs Medication Dogs Animals Teenagers Ironic

The Top

Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered, "Cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 035

You deserved it 4 250

Today, I left something in my boss's office. The door was closed which usually means she isn't in there, so I asked her coworker/friend for the key. When I opened the door, she screamed at me to get out of there. Turns out, she has just stopped breastfeeding her son and was pumping her breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 434

You deserved it 21 179

The Top

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, hanging out with him and his mom. I had to do a number two. A while later, we hear his mom in the washroom. She had turned on the bathtub and was flushing the toilet. A lot. Later on, my boyfriend leaves the room and she says, “Did you make that mess in the toilet?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 385

You deserved it 802

Today, I went to the restroom at school and when I finished my business, I noticed there was no toilet paper. I then began to wait, hoping that a janitor would come by with extra toilet paper. It wasn't until an hour later that I then realized there was four extra rolls hidden behind the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 926

You deserved it 53 971

Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 016

You deserved it 6 026

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 888

You deserved it 450

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 119

You deserved it 6 661

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 216

You deserved it 8 420