Health: Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start... - FML

By theregoesmyspermcount - 02/08/2009 22:45 - United States

Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 854

You deserved it 5 704

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Same thing different taste

By DJ - 07/04/2013 18:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 620

You deserved it 5 884

'Murica

By Maryann - 08/02/2018 01:30

Today, I told my dad I started taking jiu-jitsu lessons. He responded by laughing and saying, "Martial arts are for pussies, you should just get a gun." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 343

You deserved it 653

By Anonymous - 22/08/2014 18:41 - United States - Doylestown

Today, my dad stopped me mid-sentence and said he wanted to punch me in the face and set me on fire for using the word "selfie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 119

You deserved it 43 000

Ouch

By fuckjuggalos - 29/06/2012 23:57 - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 136

You deserved it 5 038

Fight! Fight! Fight!

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 17:54 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 679

You deserved it 2 033

Size isn't everything!

By Franklin - 18/12/2017 19:00

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 346

You deserved it 7 940

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 23:13 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 703

You deserved it 5 700

Shady tactics

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Rowville

Today, at a mixed-family game of rugby, my dad resorted to calling me a "goddamned accident" and eventually body-slamming me, just so I'd stop playing long enough for his team to score. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 859

You deserved it 3 110

Power move

By Anonymous - 08/10/2023 17:00

Today, I accidentally called my kickboxing trainer "Dad." I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 528

You deserved it 170

By stupidprankster - 09/03/2012 10:10 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 503

You deserved it 7 491

Next

Top comments

redbluegreen 40

Monday 3 August 2009 9:10

I'd suggest you invest in a giant human bubble. Or a cup.

crescent_indigo 0

Monday 3 August 2009 9:12

spiked cup would be win-win situation

Comments

sweetSandy 0

Monday 3 August 2009 18:34

oh wow fyl...you shoukd start wearing a cup

PaulieeBooMN 0

Monday 3 August 2009 18:50

YDI for having an ex marine dad

badtotheboner 0

Monday 3 August 2009 18:53

u should have some pretty good reflexes soon or be really flinchy and twitch every time he breathes i suggest karate or ask ur dad to teach u it can only help u in the end

R3nesmee 0

Monday 3 August 2009 19:07

ROTFL!!!!!!!

mohit88 0

Monday 3 August 2009 19:14

Go get a cup rite now and always wear it

Ejvind 0

Monday 3 August 2009 19:15

I hyperventilated with laughter. "Son, I've got some bad news. The cat got run over by a 18 whee- -punch-" "REFLEXES. THE CAT DIDN'T HAVE THEM EITHER!" -laughs like a crazed madman- Alternatively, tell him you're going to, while he sleeps take a baseball bat to his nuts, to see if he can detect intruders in your household.

Bralef 2

Monday 3 August 2009 19:32

This comment is win. Do that, OP.

Lydix 0

Wednesday 5 August 2009 13:18

Oh my god I just died of laughter. Thank you.

mohit88 0

Monday 3 August 2009 19:17

FALCON PAWNCH (^_^)---0(X_X)

shushuyunyun 0

Monday 3 August 2009 19:49

hahahah good for you

solipsistic 0

Monday 3 August 2009 19:49

Probably for calling him an "ex" marine.

mwbddh2 0

Monday 3 August 2009 19:49

that is truly awesome

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The Top

Today, a few hours after me and my husband had sex, he mumbled, "This is why I hate sex," as he left to grab some Tylenol. Apparently, he's so out of shape that basic sex made his muscles too sore to sleep. This is the first time in two weeks we've had sex. I'm always the one that has to ask for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 281

You deserved it 345

Today, I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum: me, the girl who’s been there through thick and thin for the past 2 years, supported him through his unemployment and death of his father, and who cooks and cleans for him every day, or the girl coworker who he’s been emotionally cheating on me with. Guess who he chose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 184

The Top

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. My dad noticed my depression and got me to tell him what was wrong. I told him everything, and trusting him to have an intelligent suggestion, I asked him what I should do. He shrugged and said, "Fuck, sue him, I dunno." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 573

You deserved it 2 889

Today, I spent several hours in freezing drizzle sampling and testing diesel fuel from an above ground, 10,000 gallon tank. Soaked to the bone and shivering like mad, I gave the manager the results. He said thank you and then told me I was at the wrong location. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 541

You deserved it 738

Today, I was on the bus and a woman got on with her 3 young children. I offered her my seat so they could all sit together. When I went to get off the bus, I realized I'd left my bag underneath my old seat. When I tried to get it back the woman hit me and yelled at me for trying to steal her purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 784

You deserved it 2 965

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 125

You deserved it 4 843

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 656

You deserved it 3 176

Today, as I came out of some changing rooms in a clothes shop, I gave back all the stuff I'd tried on to a saleswoman. I then walk off, make it about a couple of yards, change my mind and decide to purchase one of the items I'd tried. When I get back, the saleswoman was spraying the changing room I'd used with deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 576

You deserved it 10 779